Page 72 of Tank
CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE
Nadya
I would be telling the biggest lie ever in my existence if I said I didn’t miss Noah. I missed his unruly beard and his hair. I missed his stories and his smile. I missed hearing him call me Angel. And yes, I even missed the way he would make love to me. How he took his time with me and lavished every part of my body before finally taking me.
It didn’t help that I’d walked away from him to only insert myself more into his life. Because, let me tell you, the more the days went on and the longer I stayed in that cabin, the more that little child burrowed his way into my heart. It felt so wrong, me being there with Noah having no idea at all. I felt like I was trespassing on his private life right under his nose.
The more I thought about it, the more I realized that was all I’d ever done to Noah. At first with the cameras, witnessing all his breakdowns and days he had spent in a drunken mess. Then again when I took him in, cooked for him, and asked him to tell me things. Okay, it was more like I told him to, but still, I was there listening to whatever he needed to get off his chest. I was there when he needed a distraction. And all the while, I was keeping things from him. Somehow I imagined that all that didn’t compare to now, this was by far, the worst invasion I’d done so far. I’d made friends, if you will, with his son.
Every day I woke and tried my damnedest to leave. I knew it would be best if I just walked away. But then Logan would wake and insist that I eat breakfast with him. Breakfast turned into playing a game. Playing a game turned into reading him a book. Then lunch, and dinner, and before I knew it the day was over and he was asking me to tuck him in with one final story.
A week of this and I was worn down to nothing. I had no courage or backbone or whatever to walk away. So, to say that Logan had got to me would have been an understatement.
He had this way of looking at me like I was in the light. Like I had no demons and that I hadn’t spent half my life hiding in the shadows taking things that weren’t mine. He seemed to cling to me and the weird thing was, that when I would start to feel unsure about being there he would put his little hand on my knee or my shoulder and simply smile up at me. I hadn’t the first clue what to even do with that but I couldn’t deny that it softened my hard heart.
“I like you, Dya,” he said as I closed the book and set it next to his bed.
I told him that was the name his dad called me and he’d been using it ever since. Even though the other two in the cabin called me Nadya, he kept to the shortened version. Another crack in my not-so-hard heart.
The odd thing was that my full name meant Phoenix. One that would rise up. Something I’d always tried to live by, to be as strong as my name. However,dyameant something completely different to my people. And the thing was, I may not have birthed the boy, but I wouldn’t deny the thought of what it would be like to be hisdya. To love him and take care of him and watch him grow. To be there for all the little things he needed as well as the big just like a mother should.
At night my mind went to weird places. Places it had no right to go to. But when the vision of what it would be like to be with Noah and Logan, I found myself wanting to cry.
“I like you too, little guy,” I said back with an actual smile on my face. His little arms looped around my waist and he gave me a tight squeeze. Not knowing what else to do, I hugged him back.
I slipped out of his bed and tucked him in, all the while choking back the emotions that hit me like a shotgun blast to my soul.
After I left the room, closing the door softly behind me, I made my way down the hall and into the kitchen. I needed space to breathe and whatever. Blinking my eyes rapidly, I tried to get the wetness to dry. This wasn’t me, I wasn’t one to ever turn into an emotional wreck.
“Hey,” Darcy said coming up behind me and resting her hand on my shoulder in a comforting way. I took in a slow, controlled breath but didn’t shake off her touch. “Are you alright?”
“I don’t know what I’m doing here. I have no idea why I came here or what I thought I’d get out of this.” The words were all over the place but so true.
“My brother’s in love with you, I could see it clear as day,” she said and I shook my head not wanting to talk about it.
She crossed her arms over her chest as she leaned her hip against the edge of the counter and studied me. I hated it. All those times I’d had people under my microscope I never imagined how it would feel, and now that it was happening to me, I realized it sucked. My skin crawled and the way she was looking at me made me feel like she could see into my soul and read my darkest secrets. At least my targets were unaware that I was studying them so intently.
“Look, I know like nothing about you, but I’m gonna put my two cents in because I love the shit outta my brother and I think he deserves more in life.”
I swallowed hard, readying myself for the blow that she was about to hit me with. I had no doubt it was all the things that had already been swarming around in my head. All the reasons why it was best for me to walk away from Noah. All the reasons that I shouldn’t be there right now and how I had no right to insert myself into Logan’s life like I had.
“You love him. Something I get the feeling that you are not used to. I can understand that. You left Tank, thinking it was the best thing for him. Let me guess, it was the fact that Logan is still alive right?” I knew I couldn’t open my mouth to speak so I simply nodded. “So as much as my brother wants you in his life, you don’t think you fit into it or deserve to be, right?”
“He has a son. He loves his son. You…you should have seen him up there. I have never seen someone so broken. All I wanted to do was help him find his way again. Turns out, he didn’t even need me to because his way was never even lost, he was just…temporarily blinded by the sun in his eyes.” I blew out a harsh breath. I hated this talking shit but I thought it might be good to just get it all out there.
“Why do you think that means that there isn’t a place for you?”
“I have no—no mothering skills or whatever. I don’t know what to do with kids. As you can tell I’m a little emotionally stunted. I haven’t the first clue how to give a kid the kind of love it would need, to show them the kind of care they deserve.” I felt my face getting hot.
All of these things I knew but up until then, it had never bothered me because I never envisioned kids in my future. For most of my life, I had been alright with that. But as I stood there with my eyes straining to focus on the counter in front of me, I felt a sinking in my chest. I hated that the time would come where I wouldn’t see that little boy every day. I hated that his life would go on and I wouldn’t know about any of it because I wouldn’t be a part of it.
“You’re better at it than you think you are,” she said, a slight bit of humor in her voice. I turned my gaze to her, my brows pinching together in question. “You talk to him like he’s a person and you listen to what he has to say. You spend time with him doing things that he wants to do. You read to him and take the time to explain things to him. That’s exactly what Logan needs, what every kid needs. And Logan likes you, it’s so obvious, I don’t know how you don’t see it.”
“I really like the kid too. He’s pretty cool,” I admitted with a bit of a smile on my lips.
“I think you are what they both need. I just wish you’d let yourself go and believe it.” There was a pause as she let it all set in. “For the record, I like you, too.”
I let out a huffed laugh. Darcy was alright in my book and I was actually glad she did like me.
