Page 48 of Tank
“Why do you think your last job fucked up?” he asked, snapping me out of my thoughts. “You had that gut feeling and you didn’t pull the trigger. You did the right thing then, and I get that you are paying the price for that now, but that’s how life goes. I’m not saying the world is a better place because you let that fucker live, I’m simply saying that you were dealt a hand and you played the best cards you had.”
There was a long pause as he let the words take root in my brain. I did my best to brush it off and act like it was nothing, but the truth was, I still felt like I’d fucked up. Like I was weak and a failure somehow even though I knew that wasn’t what he was saying. In fact, I understood it was the opposite and I had no idea why my brain wanted to fight against that.
“And then you freak about it, take the only job that was being offered to you, and now you have that gut feeling all over again. Only this time it’s different and you can’t see the end to know what to do. But the thing is, you shouldn’t have takenthiscontract in the first place.”
“Yeah, you’re right,” I said.
I finally got it then. Ten fucking years I’d been doing this and I never once stopped to think about it. Closing myself off had been the only way I knew how to survive. The only way I knew how to make it through each job, each day. That was my fuck up.
“Maybe it’s your time,” he said in a heavy tone.
Perhaps he was right. The past few weeks had sent my world into a tornado. Everything was all mixed up and I doubted I’d ever get back to where I was before. But then again, I was didn’t think that I wanted to.
The thing was, once your eyes are open to something, that becomes the only thing you can see.
With the realization right in front of me, I had no way to go but forward. The scary thing was that I didn’t know what that meant for me. I had no idea what a life would be like outside of the one I currently had. Retirement wasn’t a word in my dictionary. I had never given it any thought and while it might have been unrealistic, I kind of just envisioned I’d be doing it forever. Or until it killed me, ya know, because that was always a huge possibility.
“You like him.”
It was a statement, one that I didn’t need to give an answer to and the longer the seconds ticked on, I realized thatlikewasn’t even the right word for it. I had this connection to him and what I felt for him was on some strange other level than anything I’d ever felt before.
“Then you should save him,” he said like it was that fucking simple. I snorted and resisted the urge to roll my eyes. Me? I wasn’t one to intentionally save people, ever. I’d never even had the urge to do so. “I think I’ve given you enough for now. See ya around, Nadya.”
I stayed there, my feet seemed to be stuck in place, as he walked to the door and let himself out.
After I was able to pull myself together, I made a cup of tea and settled down in my chair.
With my phone in hand, I felt utterly torn between wanting to check on Noah and feeling like I had no right to. I needed to come clean and tell him everything and then after that, I needed to get us the hell out of here.
The longer the days went on and Noah stayed alive the more dangerous it became. Savage wouldn’t leave me alone for too long. While I got the feeling that he didn’t like to get his hands dirty, I had no doubt that if he was pushed far enough that he would handle things himself. That was something I very much wanted to avoid. Not that I doubted that I could handle it, I just didn’t want to take the chance that something could go wrong. Savage struck me as the type that didn’t deal with not getting his way very well. Case in point, Noah losing his son. I had no doubt it wasn’t a senseless act to Savage. He was making a point and my stomach turned at the thought that Noah’s poor, innocent little boy had paid the price.
Then an odd feeling washed over me. I wondered what Noah was like before his world went dark. And I found myself thinking what his son was like. I imagined his little boy was beautiful and happy. Because, through the little glimpses I’d seen when Noah let go of the darkness, I had seen a caring, gentle, light man. Gentle seemed like such a strange word to describe a man who was so massive, but he was.
A heavy sigh escaped my lungs. His sadness had started to eat away at my soul. I hated that he had to go through this and maybe, in a way, I wanted to save him. I wanted to be the angel he thought I was.
I had no idea why I called Lucy but as her sweet voice filtered through the phone, I knew I’d made the right choice.
“Glad to know you didn’t forget about me,” she said and I knew she was referring to the fact that she had tried to both call and text me since the night Noah had shown up at my door. She’d tried to warn me that he was on the move that night, but I had my phone on silent and was so out of it I didn’t even notice. Then I was just too plain distracted to even check the damn thing.
“I’m guessing since you didn’t answer me and you never called me back that he was with you?” she asked and I could tell she was half-distracted. I made a noncommittal noise in the back of my throat. “How’s it going there?”
“What can I say, I have no idea what I’m doing anymore.” I let out a weighted sigh.
A light laugh filled my ear and it made me smile.
“Not for nothing, honey, but you haven’t known for a while now. I mean come on, this guy comes into your life and your world went all wonky, whether you want to admit it or not,” she said with such ease.
“Okay, fine. Yes, killing him is not an option anymore. So now I need to figure out my next move,” I said running a frustrated hand through my thick hair.
“Why the sudden change? I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m all on board for this, but what made you realize this all of a sudden?”
“I, um…”
I what? Fuck. What was going through my brain was ‘I slept with him and then spent actual time with him, talking and shit’ but I couldn’t say that out loud.
“Oh my God! No,” she said in a harsh, shocked whisper. Apparently, I didn’t need to tell her anything because she could read me clear as day.
“Yep,” I said as short as possible. I didn’t want to talk about it and I definitely didn’t want to fuel her overly hopeful, romantic mind. “So anyway, he left this morning and didn’t really say when we would see each other again. Something in his face told me he wasn’t planning on sticking around here much longer, though.”
