Page 40 of Tank
CHAPTER NINETEEN
Tank
I had no idea how I found myself climbing the stairs that led to her place.Dya.Her name like a whisper in the back of my mind, drawing me up each step. I knew she would be up there and for some reason, I imagined her curled up in that ugly ass chair. But then again, knowing that I was the reason she’d stayed awake those nights, she could have been sleeping right now.
She opened the door and I couldn’t force my gaze to meet hers. The words tumbled out of my mouth before I had a chance to stop them. I sounded desperate and pathetic even to my own ears. But everything I’d said was true. It was what I’d been wrestling with all along. It was bad enough I’d failed Logan in life, I couldn’t do it in death as well. My boy wouldn’t want this for me and he wouldn’t be happy with the pathetic mess I’d become. He’d be disappointed at the shell of a man I’d turned into. And it was those thoughts that kept me going, kept me breathing, kept me hovering just above the surface. Even if he would never know how much I’d let him down after he was gone…
I needed to rise up for him. I needed to be a man again, for him. I needed to learn to live again…even if it was without him. But I was drowning in so much darkness that I didn’t know how to.
I blamed all those thoughts for the reason I was standing in the middle of Dya’s living space soaking wet in the hours when the sun wasn’t even awake. In my mind, I was looking for a safe place to go. A shelter. Maybe even a friend. But that was crazy because I seemed more like a nuisance to her than anything else. A drunken pest that she was forced to take care of.
But then she turned from me, giving me her back. If it had been anyone else it wouldn’t have been a big deal. Or even something cold, like a sign that I wasn’t wanted. After watching her all this time, I knew it meant something. Something fucking big. Because she never had me out of her line of sight, even if it was unnoticeable to a normal person.
And that was how I found myself going from talking about my son to all but attacking her. Sure, it helped that as my eyes raked over her practically naked body I found a lustful heat in her eyes. The moment my lips were on hers and her body was pressed into mine it was like the animal inside took over, I couldn’t hold back, and fuck if it didn’t show. I blew my load in an embarrassingly quick amount of time, but it couldn’t be helped. One, it had been far too long since I’d been with a woman. Five fucking years to be precise. And two, she felt too fucking good. When she came, she squeezed the life out of my damn cock and that was all it took.
I cleared my thoughts from my head. Half my body was on the bed while my legs were sprawled out on the floor. My pants were undone and my still half-mast cock was hanging out. I could only imagine how much of an asshole I looked at that moment.
Once my breaths evened out, I turned my head to look at her. The light was dim in the room but I could see her clearly. Fuck she was sexy. Her hair a chaotic halo, splayed out all over the pillow in a tangled mess. Her shirt had ridden up her waist, exposing her naked lower half. And because I couldn’t help myself, my eyes darted to the sweet spot between her legs. Which, to be fair, with her legs spread open, it wasn’t like she was trying to hide it from me.
Then, like a rubber band being released, I snapped back into reality. The evidence of my stupidity hitting me hard as I watched my cum leak out of her. Panic rushed through my veins freezing me in a petrified state. I loved my son, don’t get me wrong, but I wasn’t ready to go there. No, not ever. He was it for me and I couldn’t take a chance on going through it all again. The heartbreak was too much.
“Relax,” she said with such ease in her voice it made my eyes shoot to hers. With unhurried movement, her fingers drifted up her stomach, pushing her shirt up further. With great curiosity, I leaned up on my arm to look at what she was trying to do or show me. I wasn’t sure what was going on, but I had a feeling she was about to reveal something big about herself. “I can’t have children. And I’m clean.” She gave a quick lift of her shoulder like it wasn’t a big deal.
I felt choked for some strange reason as I looked at her abdomen. The skin puckered in three different areas. My fingers reached out and delicately danced along the marred flesh. I wanted to know what had happened. Why did this beautiful creature have bullet hole scars on her? But then again, maybe it was best I didn’t ask.
“When I was fifteen I was shot.” The flatness of her tone told me she wasn’t going to tell me more than that. I had no choice but to let it go—as much as I found myself wanting to know more, so much more. I wanted to know everything about her but she wasn’t the open book type and I knew better than to push. So instead, I leaned over, my lips tentatively grazed the three spots one at a time. Her body shivered under my touch and I couldn’t help but to smile against her skin. “You’re wet and cold. Go take a shower and warm up.”
“Yeah,” I mumbled because she was right.
I jumped up, not even giving a care that my junk was still hanging out of my pants, and walked to the bathroom snatching up the towel off of the floor on the way.
After I closed the door behind me, I leaned against it letting my brain catch up to what had just happened. My eyes closed as a long breath escaped my lungs. There were too many emotions flooding my head and body for me to process. I couldn’t deny that there was some sort of connection between us and it hurt that I’d come to her at the worst time. Not going to lie, but that sex was fucking outta this world. Sure, it could have been that I was so starved to get laid that it made it seem better than it really was, but I somehow doubted that. It may not have lasted long, but I’d be damned if it wasn’t the best I’d ever had. Just thinking about it had my dick hard again.
Then I felt shame and disappointment. After all, I’d fucked her without one ounce of concern for her. I’d come inside of her like a man that didn’t give a fuck. But then again, she was the one that reached down and freed me. She was the one that took me in her hand and stroked me. Not for a second did she stop me or tell me no. She clung to me like the world was ending and I had the claw marks on my neck and back to prove it.
I shook myself out of those thoughts, burying down the ones hidden below the surface of the moment. The ones that I wanted to forget. The ones that pulled me back into the darkness.
The hot spray stung as it hit my skin but I welcomed the feeling. She wasn’t wrong, I was soaking wet and cold. It probably wasn’t the smartest thing to walk in the freezing rain then stand there at her door for a long time before I got up the courage to knock.
I lathered up my hands with the white bar of soap sitting there and I scrubbed every part of my body, almost hating that I was washing her off of me. I shampooed my hair, smiling as the scent that filled the air around me. Not once did I mind that I’d smell like her, because that scent was addicting.
I got out and dried myself off, then tried my best to cinch the towel around my waist but the damn thing was too small, there was about an inch gap between the two ends. Oh well, not like she hadn’t seen my junk anyway. Giving up, I tossed the wet towel over the shower rod and did the same with my soaked clothes before I exited the bathroom.
My eyes immediately found her. Her back was to me, her hip resting against the windowsill. She had put on a new shirt as well as panties. Her back straightened when she heard me but didn’t turn around.
With cautious steps, I walked up to her. This was new territory for me. It had been so long since I’d been around a woman in such a manner. I knew what I felt, what I wanted to do, but would she be receptive to that was the problem I was having. And not to mention the fact that I felt like a dick for using her.
Saying ‘fuck it’ in my head, I moved behind her. My naked body pressed against her back as I moved her hair off her shoulder and placed a tender kiss on the side of her neck. This was me. I didn’t hide my feelings and I didn’t shy away from my romantic side. If it made me a pussy ass bitch, then so be it.
My arms snaked their way around her body and I felt her relax into me as I held her close.
We stood there for a long time, the rain pelting against the dirty glass as the only music for the background. Our breaths melding into one. She let me hold her and I couldn’t deny that she felt good in my arms. I was surprised though, I didn’t think she’d let me that close to her. She seemed like one to shy away from intimacy but her usual cold and calculated demeanor was eased at the moment and it made me fucking smile.
“Are you naked?” she asked breaking the bubble we were in. I knew she could feel my smile against the crook of her neck. I nipped at the tender flesh.
“Yep,” I said in a self-assured, yet teasing, tone.
She tossed her head back and laughed. The beautifully raw sound echoed in the room and vibrated through my body.
