Page 25 of Tank
CHAPTER TWELVE
Tank
Another week went by, the same as the last and the one before that. I didn’t leave the house except to hit the store.
I hardly ate. Every time I put something in my mouth I immediately wanted to throw up. I didn’t care about anything but reliving all of my mistakes and then doing my best to blur them to the point they went away. My life was going nowhere but that is exactly where I thought it should be. I didn’t deserve to live. Every second, every breath, I missed Logan.
My memories were starting to fade slightly. The scenes not as crisp in my mind as they once had been. His smile not as bright as I knew it was. His laugh not as loud and his eyes missing that sparkle in the steel color. I tried so hard to replay the memories over and over in my head so they wouldn’t slip away. But it wasn’t helping. I wondered how long it would be before I forgot everything about him and the though completely gutted me.
I could remember the night of the explosion so vividly that I often woke up with my skin on fire and the smell of smoke singeing my nose. I could hear the shattering of the glass as it blew out and the crack of the wood as it splintered and flew at me. But I couldn’t hold onto the good things.
I was angry. I was sad. I was tired. But most of all I was just numb. How I could feel all those things and not feel anything at the same time was beyond me. I didn’t want to help myself, yet I wasn’t sure if I wanted to ever reach the bottom. I loved my life before all of this shit happened. I had it all. A great family—even if it wasn’t perfect, the amazing love of my child, a club to watch my back, and two fucking great best friends. One of which, had finally found his happiness and I had been there to see it happen.
And while I had once been happy for Diesel, I remembered that he had everything I no longer did. He got his second chance. His little girl was so beautiful and I remembered seeing that look on his face when she was born. I had that same look the first time I held Logan. I was disgusted with myself that I hated him for still having it all while I’d lost everything. I knew it hurt him the most, after my mom, that was, that I’d walked away. He wanted to be there for me, help me, but I couldn’t even stand to be around him. It hurt too much.
I left everyone.
I wanted to be alone. Yet, I found myself leaving the cabin that night again. A small part of me wanted to keep the promise that I had made. Keeping my word to my brothers was in my blood, even if I wasn’t there with them. I left at the worst time and the thing that made me feel the shittiest was that they understood and let me go. They didn’t try too hard to make me stay and they didn’t spit on me for turning my back on them when they needed me the most. They understood, and with the best intentions in their heart, let me go.
I drove my truck down the mountain, hours after the sun had gone down. It was easier for me to go out in the dark. The world felt as cold as my soul then. Plus, I was under no illusion that I was normal looking. I had ugly burn scars on visible parts of my body. My hair was long and a mess. I couldn’t tell you when the last time I’d even brushed it. Sure, my size alone was enough to frighten children and make their mothers pull them closer to their side, but in the state of I-don’t-give-a-fuck that I was in made me even more menacing looking. Little did they know, I’d never hurt the innocent.
The light in the window at the bar caught my attention. Sighing, I swung my truck into the exact same space that I’d parked in just a week ago. I told myself that it was the booze that brought me there and it being the only bar in town, it was the place to go. But inside I wondered if it was more than that. With where my head was at, I wouldn’t let myself indulge in any other reason, though.
I certainly hadn’t thought abouthersince the moment I’d walked out of her apartment a week ago. No, I certainly didn’t spend a few hours replaying our interactions trying to figure her out. Those few words she spoke to me definitely did not replay over and over in my head to the point I felt like I was going crazy. I was in no place to even give a damn about my own self, let alone anyone else. Not just anyone, someone who I didn’t even know or cared to know. Selfish as it may have been, I was too far down the dark spiral to even entertain any other thoughts or feelings. So as much as I may have let her wiggle her way into the outer edges of my brain, I didn’t have it in me to try and process what it might have meant.
The fall was turning into winter and you could feel it in the air that night. The wind whipped violently around me, chilling straight through to the bone as I made my way up to the building.
I pulled open the door and walked in. It had the same fill of people as the previous week. The same two guys sat at the far end of the bar. I took the exact spot that I’d last week, and when I looked up behind the bar, I found the same tall, thick-haired beauty that had taken care of my pathetic ass the week before. Her posture was tight and tall, back straight, head held high, and I could tell she knew I was there even though her head didn’t turn to look my way.
I waited and waited. I wasn’t going to give her the satisfaction that the fact that she hadn’t acknowledged me was making me pissy. I could smell the mix of alcohol in the air and all I wanted was a fucking drink.
I ducked my head still watching her under my brow. Still not giving me her eyes, she reached out to her right and grabbed a bottle filled to the brim with a beautiful light caramel glow. She turned and I watched her hips sway slightly as she came towards to me. I’d known my fair share of women, but her walk was all natural. She wasn’t trying to saunter in a way that would catch my eye. But still, it had been a damn long time that something as simple as a woman’s walk had caught my attention. Maybe it was everything catching up with me and the giant fact that it had been over five years since I had even touched a woman. The thought of fucking anything died the day I realized I stuck my dick in crazy and disappointment. From the moment that bitch walked out of our life, it was like that part of me just shut down. The traumatizing fear was always in the forefront of my mind that history would repeat itself if I even went near a pussy again.
But that was neither here nor there. I wasn’t going to go down that road and I sure as hell wasn’t going to overthink it.
Before she could make it all the way to me, an older man stepped up to the bar. By his sway and slow movements, I could tell that he was already three sheets to the wind.
“I need another one, sweetheart,” the man’s voice boomed in an unfriendly tone.
I shouldn’t have cared, this was her shit to deal with and I was sure that working in a place like this she was accustom to dealing with demanding drunks. However, it didn’t stop me from straightening my spine as I took the man in.
He had to have been in his late fifties. His hair was all gray and hung shabby around his eyes.
“I think you are done for the night, Mr. Leery. Your daughter should be here any minute to pick you up,” she spoke to him in a calm, but not soothing, way.
It was as if she’d done this song and dance before.
She abandoned the bottle of liquor that was destined for me on the bar top as she made her way around to the man. My eyes zeroed in on the bottle almost like I was trying to call it towards me.
“Come on,” she said slipping her arm around his waist I assumed to help him outside.
From the corner of my eye, I saw the man stagger and then jerk away from her violently. No one else did anything, so I stayed rooted on my seat.
“Get me another drink! That’s what I pay you for! What? My money’s no good for you either?” The man turned belligerent.
That was the moment I fully turned my head to the scene. Her eyes caught mine and she pinned me with a hard stare. For some reason, my brain understood she was telling me to stay put. She tried again, pulling the man along with a strange gentle touch. But he wasn’t having it. He began to lash out again, his arms going in all different directions with angry jerks. His empty glass hit the bar top with a thud and shattered.
“No!” he screamed and one of his arms whacked her good on the shoulder, sending her stumbling into the bar.
