Page 24 of Diesel
“I’m sorry,” I found myself saying as I ducked my head, although this whole thing was happening because of his idea.
“Okay, so we need to get married as soon as possible. And hope that people don’t add up the dates once thatthingis born,” he said after a long moment. It was almost as if he wasn’t talking to me. It felt more like he was beginning a list of things to be done; talking out loud. And it didn’t go unnoticed that he called my baby athing. I felt anger simmering inside of me, but I only sat there and let him go on. “This weekend. I’ll get everything taken care of. It is going to have to be a small event, but maybe we can spin it somehow.” The way he was talking reminded me of my dad. The way my dad talked about everything being some sort of publicity stunt.
“You still want to?” I asked, confusion laced heavy in my voice.
“Oh!” He snapped his fingers not even acknowledging me. “We can say that you wanted something small and you wanted me to surprise you with it. That’s it. I’m sure your father will like that idea. Does your dress even still fit?” His eyes raked over my body before he cocked a brow at me. He was clearly unhappy now that he noticed the fact that I was a little more padded than before.
“I-I don’t know. Probably.” I was a little stunned at how this was going and how fast things seemed to be moving. My head was practically spinning off my body.
“Go home. We will talk to your father tomorrow when I have everything taken care of.”
Before I knew it I was being ushered out the door in a hurry. I all but ran to my car, still trying to take in everything that had happened the past few minutes.
I should have felt relieved. I should have felt happy. He still wanted me to marry him even when I was carrying another man’s baby. But there was something about that whole conversation that sat like lead in my gut.
Tomorrow I was going to face the music with my parents and then all this lying and secrecy would be over. I wouldn’t have to stress about it anymore. Or that is what I hoped at least. I drove home thinking that this was the best thing for my baby. He or she would get to grow up in a home with two parents. They would be surrounded by love and stability.
But even as I slid into bed, I couldn’t shake the sick feeling. I felt like something was off about the whole thing. I just couldn’t put my finger on how or why. I tossed and turned all night, fighting with my brain on everything.
Steven.
My dad.
Diesel.
The wedding.
Whether or not this was the right choice for my kid.
My dad made it clear that if I didn’t go through with the wedding soon, then he would be done with me. I had no place to go. I had a degree, but no job. I hadn’t even looked for one since I graduated. I started to think why that was. My father. He told me not to worry about it. That it looked good enough for me to simply have a degree. That I would only have to quit anyway when I got married. He always told me I would be taken care of. That I didn’t need to worry about working. That all of my focus would have to go into being a good wife and taking care of the house and my husband. And being the timid, make-everyone-happy girl that I was, I never pushed for anything different. I had always thought my father was right on everything.
Except lately, I was questioning that. My world was crumbling around me. The nice shelter I’d lived under my whole life was feeling more like a noose around my neck. And I didn’t know what to do about it.
The thing was, I never really wanted that. I didn’t want to become my mother; a living shell of a person going along with the path laid out before me.
What I did want, was to teach. I wanted to work. I wanted to be surrounded by kids covered in paint and glue as I showed them how to paint and draw. I wanted to see their faces light up when the realization that they had learned something kicked in. During my internship teaching kindergarten, I had fallen in love with being in a classroom. And being at the front line of molding and growing little minds. I wanted to do that with a partner beside me. Someone who shared life with me equally. Someone who stood by my side as much as I stood by theirs.
I woke up tired and hungry. What little sleep I did manage to get was restless. I realized I hadn’t eaten anything at all the day before. I shuffled down to the kitchen to find something that sounded satisfying. At that moment, I desperately wished I could have a nice, hot cup of coffee.
Right before I stepped into the kitchen I heard voices floating down the hall coming from my dad’s office. Recognizing Steven’s voice, I started in that direction with hesitant feet. If he was there talking to my dad then maybe it was a sign that I should spill the beans. Hearing my name, I paused right outside the cracked door.
“Ellie seems different lately. Is this still going to work?” Steven asked.
“Don’t worry. You just need to get her down the aisle and it will be fine. Once the ‘I do’s’ are said, nothing else matters,” my dad replied. He was speaking in his business tone. I had come to recognize it well. In truth, it wasn’t much different from his other tone. Only it seemed to have a slight edge to it like he was commanding the room. “All we need is to milk this for seven months. Then I will have the voters in my pocket, and before they even know it, the West development will be well underway.”
“That is true.” They both laughed like it was some sort of evil joke.Seven months? What are they talking about?I wracked my brain trying to remember where I’d heard West development before, but I was coming up blank. “They won’t even know until it is too late.”
“Yes,” Dad said. “Then you can toss her to the side and forget about her, for all I care. But if you want to take that dead weight off my shoulders for longer, I won’t complain.” More laughter.
Tears filled my eyes as my jaw fell open. They were talking about me like I was an object. Some pawn in their giant game of chess.
“No, I can hardly handle being around her for two days a week. I’m sorry to say, but your daughter is a bit of a wet blanket.”
What?!
“Ah, tested out those waters, did you?” There was a pause and in my head, I saw the two of them nodding. “Like a dead fish, huh?”
“Worse,” Steven said.
