Page 66 of Diesel
CHAPTER THIRTY-SEVEN
Diesel
I had hoped things would get better once we got back to the compound. But Ellie seemed to retreat into herself more. For two weeks she was on bed rest. Doctor Wallace came out a few times during that time and checked her and the baby out. He said everything was looking good. I stayed with her the whole time. I tried distracting her with books and movies, but nothing seemed to work.
At night, she would snuggle in tight against me and it almost felt like she would be alright. I did my best to just be there for her. I didn’t want to push her. The last thing I needed was for her to freak out and have more complications. It was hard. I knew she needed to talk about it. Killing someone, though rightfully deserved, was never easy. Especially for someone as innocent and light as her.
At the end of two weeks, she was given the all-clear. She could get up and move again other than going to the bathroom and showering. I waited and waited, but she only stayed in that bed. Another week went by and I was starting to get frustrated. Mostly at myself. I didn’t know how to help her. All I wanted was to see her smile again. I needed my pixie back and I was at a loss what to do.
I knew what it was like to be stuck in that dark hole. Most of the time, I was standing with one foot in the door. But when it came time to do what I needed to do for the club, I went all in. I craved it. I used it. I let myself get lost in the darkest parts of my soul. I felt I needed to be punished for those I’d failed in life.
But Ellie wasn’t like me. She didn’t need to feel the pain, yet she couldn’t escape it. She couldn’t let it go. She was on the brink of her own hell, and I was so scared she was going to slip over the edge and I’d lose her too.
As I stepped into my room, with a plate in one hand and bottles of water under my arm, I found her staring at the wall beside the bathroom door. She didn’t move from her catatonic state as I set the plate full of fresh fruit and a sandwich beside the bed. Her eyes didn’t even focus on my form in front of her. I sighed as I frantically ran my fingers back and forth through my hair. Her eyes were wet and her breath seemed even, if not heavy. Almost like she was sleeping. I crouched down beside the bed. Her opened eyes didn’t move at all.
“Fuck,” I said as I stood back up. She didn’t even flinch as I cussed.
I moved around to the other side of my bed, shedding my clothes until I was only left in my black boxer-briefs. I slid in between the sheets, scooting right up behind her. I held her tight against me and buried my nose in her hair. Inhaling her scent, I tried my best to find the courage to tell her everything I needed to say. My past was dark and sad. My life hadn’t been easy. But I wanted her to know. I wanted her to take the strength out of it and find her way back to me. To us.
“When I was twenty, my girlfriend got pregnant,” I said with a shaky voice. I pushed on through the painful memories. “At first I was shocked, as any young college kid would be with an unplanned pregnancy. I wasn’t ready for a kid then. Hell, I didn’t even know what to do with them. Rachel, my girlfriend, and I had been together for about two years at this point, so it wasn’t like it was some fling. I really cared about her. Weeks went by and it really started to sink in…”
I paused, remembering the first time I got to see the little tiny dot that would have eventually been my little girl.
“I told my family and they were happy despite the circumstances. That’s when it hit me, that I had an amazing family and I had an amazing girlfriend. Things were going to be good. I was happy. I was going to be a dad. And the first time I heard her little heartbeat, I knew I would spend my life protecting her. Even before she was born, I knew in my soul, I would give my life for her.”
I cleared my throat, trying to keep the tears a bay. With each word I spoke, I felt the tight coil in my chest lessen a tiny bit.
“Anyway, while I was busy planning for a life with them, Rachel was slowly slipping away. I never saw it until it was too late. That she was never happy about the baby. Seven months in, Rachel drove her car off of a cliff. She wasn’t wearing her seatbelt. Her belly got caught on the steering wheel and her head hit the windshield with such force that it shattered her skull. They said the lack of room in the car and her stomach getting caught was what kept her from flying all the way through the windshield.”
Ellie stirred in my arms, I loosened my hold as she rolled over to face me. Her eyes were red and tears were running down her cheeks. She blinked up at me as her hand came up to rest on my cheek. Then my own tears fell. Just a few, but they were enough for her to brush away with her delicate thumb.
“They died,” I pressed on. “I never even got to meet my little girl. And the thing that tore me up—still does—is that I was so fuckin’ selfish and I didn’t see the signs that Rachel wasn’t okay. She killed my baby, but I’m the one to blame. I relive that night over and over. And when you came along… it brought me back to then. I was going out of my mind after I left you that first day. I couldn’t shake you, even as the weeks went on. Then you were here, and I wanted to be happy. But I let the past blind me and I’m so sorry.”
I let out a long breath, releasing all the pain with it. I was scared that Ellie would hate me. Or that she would look at me differently. That she would see me for the monster I truly was.
But as I looked into her eyes, all I saw was love and reassurance. Her lips were soft as she pressed them against mine. And I held onto her like she was my lifeline. She breathed life into me and I knew then, that I never wanted to go back. She pulled away and with our foreheads pressed together, we stared into each other’s eyes. Minutes passed, or maybe even hours.
“I killed someone,” she whispered.
“I know, baby.”
“I don’t know how to move on from that.”
Finally, I was getting somewhere. I hoped talking about it would help her. But I didn’t want to lie to her and tell her everything would be okay. No, she had to deal with it, she had to own it, and then move on.
“Tell me why?” I asked her, low and gravelly, still raw with emotion.
I knew the answer but she needed to say it. She needed it to click in her brain as she spoke the words out loud.
“Why? Why did I shoot her?” I nodded. She swallowed hard, her eyes closing for a second. “She was going to kill you. Or me… and our baby. I couldn’t let that happen.”
“You saved me,” I stated. Her head moved against mine as she nodded once. “Hold onto that.”
“It’s not that simple,” she whispered and her breath tickled my lips as she spoke.
“No, maybe not. But you did what you had to do. Life isn’t simple. People make hard decisions every day. Right or wrong, you did what you had to do. For me. For us.” I slid my hand to her belly and rubbed circles on it with my thumb.
“The things I said. The things I did. What went through my mind. It was like I was someone else, but I wasn’t. It wasme. I don’t think I’ll ever escape that.” Her eyes closed and I could see the tears spilling out through her thick lashes.
