Page 60 of Diesel
CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR
Diesel
Ellie passed out in my arms. I checked to make sure she was still breathing. Her heart was beating too fast. I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t lose them.
I picked her up and rushed out the front door. Loch already had one of the SUVs pulled up to the front and ready to go. I hopped in the back seat as Reagan jumped into the front passenger’s side. I pulled Ellie’s limp body tight into me as Loch sped off. Her small body sitting on my lap, legs stretched out on the seat beside us and her head leaning against my chest.
Everything that had happened spun like a crazy rollercoaster through my brain. Tammy was dead. There was nothing that we could do. In all honesty, I didn’t give a fuck. I was glad she was gone. Because of her, I was on the verge of losing Ellie and my baby. I wished I could’ve revived Tammy just to kill her all over again. Fucked up? Yes. But there wasn’t an ounce of me that felt sorry for her.
I didn’t take my eyes off of Ellie as we drove. I didn’t want to let her go for fear that I would never get to hold her again. My hand moved to her belly. I was trying to send soothing signals to my girls through my hand or some shit. I would have done anything to make them okay. I would give my fucking life for them to live.
That was the moment I realized that I needed them. Maybe more than I had ever needed anything ever.
All of a sudden, I felt a wetness seeping through the front of my jeans. I reached around her body to feel what it was. As I pulled my hand back it felt sticky, and then I saw my fingers were coated with blood.
“Loch,” I said, feeling completely helpless. He looked up in the rearview mirror the same time that Reagan turned her head around. Reagan’s face went pale as she looked down at my lap. “Get us there now!” I barked and my voice cracked.
I was scared. There was no hiding it. But I knew I need to be strong for all of us. I couldn’t freak out. I couldn’t panic. I had to keep thinking they were going to be fine. Even if I knew it wasn’t looking good.
“Call the hospital, let them know we are comin’ and to be ready,” Loch told Reagan.
I could hear her on the phone, but my mind was too preoccupied with worry to make out what she was saying. I held Ellie close and whispered in her ear. I told her how much I needed her to stay with me. I told her to fight. I told her I knew she was strong and that I knew she would make it through this.
When we pulled up to the emergency entrance I refused to let her go. I held her hand as they wheeled her inside. A nurse put her hand on my chest to stop me from going into the room and I growled.
“Sir, I need you to stay out here. Can you tell me what happened?” I didn’t respond, I almost pushed her out of my way when Ellie’s hand slipped from mine. “Sir!”
“D, let them work,” Loch said, placing a firm hand on my shoulder.
I stood there, staring through the crack in the curtain as the doctors and nurses worked around her tiny, pale body in a blur. The nurse that had been trying to stop me, gave up on getting any kind of answer from me and she turned to Loch. I heard him behind me telling her a cleaned up version of the story.
After that, he sternly pulled me back down the hall and into the waiting room. I think I only went because I didn’t know what else to do. I flopped down in one of the chairs and put my head in my hands. The world around me grew dark as memories of my past took over.
I lower myself down onto the dull, blue chair. I feel sick and I’m afraid if I move I will lose it. So, I sit in the horribly bland room waiting for a doctor. Someone. Anyone that I don’t know. For them to tell me what it is that I already feel in my gut is true. The world around me is silent. Even though I can see movement, and I know that there are noises that go along with it, my brain doesn’t register anything. I don’t know how long I’ve sat here, staring blankly at nothing. The sound of a desperate and frantic mother screaming breaks through my soundless barrier. I know it’s Rachel’s mom, Mary, before I even look over at her.
Then the doctor appears in front of me and by the way he is holding Mary up, I know what he’s about to tell me. His words don’t register, but the slight shake of his head and the deep frown set on his face tells me all. Tells me what I already knew before I even got here. Tells me that my world is forever broken and gone.
“No, no, no! Not my baby!” Mary screams, now grabbing onto me for dear life.
What about my baby? I wonder. My baby that I will never even get to see. I will never get to hold. I’ll forever wonder if she would’ve had dark hair like me or big brown eyes like her mother. I wonder if she would have come into this world kicking and screaming or simply like a breath of fresh air. All the things I’ll never get to see, to know, taken away in a few short seconds.
I want to be angry at Mary. I understand how she feels. But I’m mad because I don’t get any time with my kid. At all. I’m not going to have twenty years of sharing laughter and tears that she had. Of scraped knees and broken hearts. I have an uneasy feeling deep inside that is whispering at me that this is Rachel’s fault. And for that, I am beyond angry. But I know I have no right to take it out on Mary. I loved them both, my unborn daughter and Rachel, and now they are just gone. I feel so empty and lost.
By the time the chief of police arrives and tells me it doesn’t look like it was an accident, I’ve grown cold and dark inside. I’m sure the only reason he showed up to tell me the information personally has everything to do with my family name. With who my father is. He informs me that the witnesses said that Rachel didn’t even hit the breaks after the car jerked off the road. She wasn’t wearing her seatbelt, either.
That’s when I realize that I was too happy and selfish to see what had been right in front of me all along. That every day she grew more distant and the light in her eyes began to fade more and more. That her talks of the future never included us together or a baby. It was always about what I would be doing and how she would land her dream job. She never got involved when I brought up baby names. She never even talked about our baby being a girl. All the things I didn’t see because I was so head over heels in love with her. She never talked about marriage and kids. She never got excited about the stupid house with the picket fence. I loved her blindly and she was just along for the ride. Until the ride didn’t go the way she wanted. I wish my eyes could have been opened before I lost them both.
Tank flopped down in the seat beside me, holding out a coffee to me. I took it, just to have something to do with my hands. My grip tightened around the cardboard cup, trying to stop the shaking in my hands. It was then that I noticed Loch was sitting on my other side and the room was filled with most of my brothers. It was also at that moment that I remembered that Lake had been hurt. I couldn’t believe I’d forgot about him.
“Lake?” I asked with a huge lump in my throat.
“He’s fine,” Loch said. “Got knocked out, probably has a few busted ribs. Axe said he came to not long after we got inside. He’s back there now gettin’ looked at.”
I nodded, my focus on the floor between my feet. I could breathe a little easier, but only a little.
“I can’t lose them,” I whispered not even bothering to fight back the tears.
“I know, brother,” Loch said patting my knee.
