Page 45 of Diesel
Chris answered the door rubbing the sleep out of his heavy eyes. His hair was a sexy mess, and he was only wearing a pair of boxers. A pair that had funny, dancing cows wearing hula skirts all over. A desirable sight that didn’t go unnoticed to parts of me.
That was Chris. Light and fun. Sexy and playful. Sometimes, I hated bringing my darkness into his atmosphere. But he never made me feel like I weighed him down. So, the question was, what the hell was I doing there at that moment?
“This isn’t one ofthosevisits, is it?” He asked in a rough and amused voice. When I didn’t answer he pushed the door open wider and turned around, walking off in the direction of the kitchen. “I’ll make some coffee.”
My boots were heavy on the hardwood floor as I made my way in and flopped down on one of the couches in the living room. A few moments later, Chris darted up the stairs to his room, taking them two at a time. Only to return back down wearing a pair of gray sweatpants. A slight smile played on my lips as I took him in, his beautiful chest still bare and glowing in the dim light.
The silence was thick as he went back into the kitchen. I still couldn’t figure out how I had gotten so messed up in the head that I’d ended up there. Something had been clenching me tight in my chest ever since the moment Ellie walked into my life. And the more she was around, the harder it became to breathe. Was it a good thing or a bad thing? I had no idea. Part of me needed to sort this out away from the club. Not that I didn’t trust my brothers. I was never one to talk about what was going on inside of me. It was simply that Chris was outside of everything. He was always there, on the edge of everything, yet somehow, always a constant in my life.
He set down two steaming cups of coffee on the low table and took his place on the couch across from me. The distance felt a tiny bit foreign but needed.
For the briefest of moments, I wondered what it would be like to share him with Ellie. I knew there would always be a part of me that would want him. Not that Ellie wouldn’t ever be enough, it was just different. But that being said, Ellie somehow managed to hold a bigger part of me. The part that I’d spent so much time trying to keep safe and closed off. That was when it hit me, hard. Everything was fucking different in my life. I didn’t like it. I didn’t like the feeling of uncertainty and the unknown.
“So, I hear you got some shit going on,” Chris said not beating around the bush. My lips tipped up in a tight smirk.
“Reagan and her damn mouth,” I grumbled and he laughed.
“Yeah, but to be fair, I knew something was off with you before Reagan filled me in on some things. I just…” He blew out a hard breath as he scratched the back of his neck. “Shit, I don’t know what to say.”
“Yep. That’s about right,” I said, sinking back into the couch. “I don’t know what the fuck to do, man. She—Ellie—is unlike anyone I have ever met. She makes me want a future again. And I don’t know how to let go and see that I could have something good. Does that make sense?”
He nodded slowly as he took in everything I said.
“You’ve walked around with the weight of the world on your shoulders for as long as I’ve known you. You’re a good man, Diesel, but you never see it. You let the darkness of the past stop you from being able to see the brightness of the future.” He paused and pinned me with a hard stare. His golden brown eyes sparkled with truth. He was playful but never a bullshitter. I swallowed hard at his words. It reminded me of Mel’s last words to me.
“Ellie’s my light,” I mumbled, not meaning to actually speak the realization out loud.
“I think that if you want it, then you need to let go. You’ve always kept everything locked inside. You never talk about what makes you the way you are. You fuck anything and everything you can get your hands on, and in the end, you still aren’t satisfied.” He shot me a knowing look.
I couldn’t exactly deny it. But I never wanted him to think he was just a faceless nobody to me. True, I had a lot of sex, but I always knew who I was fucking. That didn’t necessarily mean that I had feelings beyond that moment. But maybe, sometimes it did. Or perhaps it depended on the person. I didn’t know why I was having such a hard time putting Chris into that box. He was more than most; meant more than most. I decided that it was because we were friends outside of the bedroom.
I shrugged, my brain started to hurt from all of the things running through it.
“I don’t—” I started, but he waved me off, shaking his head.
“It’s not about me. I get we are different. I’m not even worried about that. I’m just telling you how it is.” He shrugged. “You have all these rules that you hide behind to keep control of everything.”
“Yeah, that’s how this all started.” I huffed out a laugh. “I broke my fuckin’ rules.”
“But do you regret it?” His lips tilted up in a sexy smirk. Like he already knew the answer.
“No. If I had to do it all over again I wouldn’t change it,” I said. “No, that’s a lie. I wouldn’t leave her at that diner to go back to her fuck of an asshole fiancé.” I knew coming here would be what I needed. He had this way of pulling all the answers I knew myself out of me.
My phone rang before we could say anything else. Chris knew enough about the club to keep his nose out of it. He nodded to me and walked into the kitchen, taking his empty mug with him.
“Yeah?” I answered.
“We got him,” Cal’s voice said tight and gruff. He didn’t need to say more. I knew what he was talking about and I had to clear my head and get the dark me ready.
I tucked my shaky thoughts of Ellie away and brought up the anger and hate of my past. The feelings always seemed so close to the surface that I feared that I would never be able to let go. And if I couldn’t let go, then I could never give Ellie and my baby all of me.
“On my way,” I growled low and hung up.
Chris walked back into the room, took one look at me and nodded. He could see it. He knew my mask was in place and I was all business.
“Take care of yourself, Diesel.”
I turned to leave, Chris following close behind me to the door. I paused in the open space and turned to him. I wasn’t a touchy-feely kind of guy, but I had a huge urge to pull him into my arms. It was weird. But, for just a second, I took his advice and let go.
The wide-eyed look on his face was almost comical as I roughly wrapped my arms around him. He held me tight for a beat, then patted my back.
“I’m here, ya know, if you ever need,” He cupped my face with one hand, his thumb bushing back and forth on my scruff.
This was some sort of goodbye. We both knew it. A part of whatever thing we had would die that night. Maybe we would carry on as friends, maybe not. Deep down, I knew that we had filled the same void we’d each had, without judgment or explanations. It just worked. But now, things would be different.
“Thanks, Chris,” I said, my arm slid down and I squeezed his hand once before heading out the door.
I rode back to the compound with a hard mask of revenge on my face. It was time and I craved the blood I would soon have on my hands.
