Page 44 of Diesel
CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX
Diesel
“She doesn’t have to cook,” Tank said before tipping back his beer.
We were sitting at one of the dining tables in the far corner. I chose the furthest table from the stove, like always, so I could blend into the background. It was also so I could be away from Ellie. Not that I wanted to be. My mind was a constant pull of wanting to touch her and afraid that if I did she would break. It was best for me to keep my distance, even if I could see it was hurting her.
“You could tell her that she doesn’t have to, you know?” Tank asked, pinning me with a pointed look.
I grunted in response. It was true, it wasn’t her place to make the food. But I could tell she liked it. She smiled when she was in the kitchen. She beamed when the brothers thanked her. And she practically buzzed in her skin when she saw that everyone was satisfied. She liked taking care of people and who was I to tell her not to.
“She’s a good one,” Tank continued, not taking the hint that I didn’t want to talk about it. “You’ve seen her with Grass. She’s gonna make a great mom. Grass told me she’s his favorite, goin’ around calling her Auntie El now. Don’t tell Reagan that, though.” He chuckled at that. I half smiled remembering her interactions with the little man. I could see that he was quickly becoming her favorite, too.
“Yeah, she’s going to be a great mom,” I said, half aware I was speaking out loud.
“She’s different. She’s not like Tammy or even Jessica. The brothers look at her and they see a life. They see themselves going home to that every day with a damn smile on their face. They see a future.” I felt the anger rise up at his words. The thought of anyone else taking a place in her life like that sent a pain straight through my chest.
Deep down I knew he was talking about it figuratively. She was just that type of girl, the girl you would want forever with. And maybe in some ways, it had given the guys a hope that they could find theirs out there.
“Figure out whatever the fuck’s got you so messed up in the head that you can’t see thatthat—” he jabbed a finger in the direction of Ellie, “right there isyourfuture. And it looks like a damn good one from where I’m sittin’.” His voice was gruff and harsh. It felt like he was slapping me upside the head. He snatched up his beer bottle and walked away, leaving me to think over his words.
He wasn’t wrong. As much as I wanted to be pissed at him, I couldn’t. I was stuck so far in my head and in the past, that I couldn’t let my guard down and realize what I could’ve had. And a future with Ellie by my side would be amazing. She had become the focal point of my dreams. However, she was also the reason for the resurfacing nightmares.
Ever since I’d gotten drunk and fucked Tammy, Ellie had been avoiding me. I could tell. She wouldn’t even look at me when we were in the same room. She wasn’t bitchy about it. She didn’t look at me and pointedly turn her back to me, giving me the cold shoulder. No, what she did was worse. More heartbreaking. When she knew I was around, she simply ducked her head, the floor suddenly becoming the thing that held her gaze. I fucked up. I knew that. It was all on me, but I had no idea how to fix it. Maybe I didn’t want to. It was better that way, then neither one of us would be let down.
I tried, drunk as I was, to be there for her that night. It was all wrong. But then the doc told us we were having a girl. That was all it took for my walls to build back up. I didn’t know what to expect and in reality, I imagined any answer would have sent me slinking back into the same place. But a girl, that stopped my heart for a few seconds; the pain seeped in too fast and hard. I didn’t know what kind of sick joke the universe was trying to play on me, and I didn’t have it in me to find the light in it all.
“Everything looks good here. The baby is growing at the perfect rate,” the doctor says moving the wand around Rachel’s belly. I can see fingers and toes on the monitor, and I have a grin that is threatening to spread off my face. “If you would like, I can tell you the sex of the baby today.”
“Yes!” I say a little too eagerly. I clear my throat and try to reign in my excitement. “Yes please, doctor. We would like to know.” Rachel only nods when the doctor looks at her.
“You are having a little girl,” he says after a few moments moving the wand around to get the right angle. He prints off a few pictures and hands them to me. “I’ll see you again in a month.”
He stands up and I shake his hand as I thank him. Once we are alone in the room, Rachel wipes off the gel left on her stomach and gets up without a word. I’m on the phone calling my parents before we even make it to the car. They are excited and giving me loud and loving congratulations. I know my mom is going to go off the deep end buying everything for her first granddaughter.
I snapped myself back into reality and stalked off to my room. Once inside, I flopped down on the edge of the bed and reached for my wallet. I pulled the small black and white picture out from the depths of the hidden sleeve. My fingers flipped the worn edge back and forth as I stared down at the old ultrasound picture. I breathed in deeply, fighting the tears that were stinging my eyes. Everything I tried to keep buried in the deepest parts of my mind was coming forward to meet me like a tidal wave, hitting me with a force that I couldn’t stand up against.
I had wanted this life once. I had been happy about the child I was going to have. I was excited to spend my life with the woman I loved and the child that would have soon held my heart. But in the blink of an eye, I saw how cruel life could be and how quickly everything could slip away. Those fears and feelings were everything that held me back with Ellie. I knew it wasn’t fair to her. But I also knew that if I let her in and something happened, it would break me.
I needed to talk to someone. Tank’s words played in my head and I couldn’t deny he was right. I’d known everything he had said all along. And while Tank may have been the closest thing to a best friend I had, I needed someone outside the whole situation.
Only one person came to mind. One person that I always felt I could open up to, even though I rarely did. The problem was, it wasn’t an over the phone kind of conversation.
I headed to the bar and found Cal on one of the couches. Hannah, one of the club whores, was grinding on his lap while he whispered in her ear. Then was not the time to interrupt him if I wanted to get what I wanted. So, I grabbed a beer and tried to be as social as I could. That meant I mostly nodded and grunted as Bocca and Brand chatted about what-the-fuck-ever. I tried my best to follow along, but my mind kept drifting.
Cal and Hannah headed off not too long after that. They walked down the hall in the direction of his room and I held back a frustrated growl. I could be a patient man, but right then I was fucking ready to get out. Normally, I could take off. But with lockdown, I had to have a damn good reason to leave the compound. And I had to run it by Cal.
An hour of random conversation and a crappy action movie later, Cal came back out. For a while, I’d wondered if he had fallen asleep after his activity was done. I was a smart man, and there was no way I was going to barge in on him in his private time unless it was an emergency. He grabbed himself a beer and sat down on a stool at the bar. I walked over, trying my best to not seem eager or twitchy.
“Hey, D,” he said as I took a seat next to him. “Somethin’ on your mind?” He was good that way, knew how to read people. Just like I did.
“Can I take the next patrol? Maybe get a little extra time out?” I said calmly. He stared at me a beat too long.
“Yeah. Brand is goin’ out next. Probably in an hour. Tell him you’ll take his run.” He took a swig of his beer and watched me. “Might be a good idea to find Chris and see how it’s goin’ at the bar. Just to check and make sure everythin’ is runnin’ smoothly for him.” He nodded, it was almost his version of a fucking wink. I wasn’t fooling anyone and neither was he. I shook my head as I held back a chuckle.
“Thanks, prez.” I stood and slapped him on the shoulder.
In a slight daze, I found myself pulling up in front of the familiar small house. A heavy sigh escaped my lungs as I made my way up the four steps and across the deep-set, covered porch to the front door. I raised my hand and paused for a long second before letting it fall hard against the wood three times.
