Page 32 of Diesel
“I don’t want sorry. I want why.”
Well, this was not the same man I met many months ago. Maybe what I saw in the motel room was all a show. A way to get what he wanted and to make me feel more at ease. Maybe the man I had been hoping to see didn’t really exist. But I couldn’t put it all on him. I had wanted it. I had practically begged him for it.
Just spit it out and get it over with. It can’t get any worse. At least you have a place for the night.
“I’m pretty sure this is yours.” I pointed to my belly. No sense in trying to act like he didn’t know about it. There, I had said it. It was out there. I could breathe now, right?
“No,” his said in a harsh tone that almost made me flinch. I felt the tears welling up in my eyes and I hated how weak I was.
“No? But I went to the doctor and she gave me the dates, and those were the right dates for when we…” I made an awkward motion with my hands between us.
“I wore condoms.”
“Yeah, I know. I don’t know… all I know is that it has to be. I wasn’t with anyone after for three weeks and even then he wore condoms and he didn’t… you know… in me.” God, I felt like a twelve-year-old. I barely could say the word condom, let alone even fathom saying all that other stuff. I was pretty sure he was following though.
Something in his face changed and I could tell that it was sinking in. But whether or not he chose to believe it, was still lost on me. Then his expression became even harder than it was before. He was completely shutting down. This was not good and I felt panic grip me tight on the inside.
“Diesel,” his name spilled from my lips. “Say something, please,” I begged.
“I can’t.” He jerked his head to look away from me. “Get some sleep.”
Then he was out the door, slamming it shut behind him, and I was staring blankly at the empty space. Pretty sure I wasn’t going to get any sleep at all.
