Page 27 of Diesel
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
Diesel
Three days after we found Stone’s lifeless body, we laid him to rest in the MC graveyard in the far back corner of the property. Every single one of us stood around silently as Mel sobbed uncontrollably while clenching onto her kids for dear life. She was a wreck. We all were. We’d lost a brother. A friend. A great fucking man. We each said a silent prayer as we took our turns covering his casket with earth. Each of us taking a moment to remember and reflect.
Me, well, I stood there head bowed to the ground as if he would reach out for me to pull him up. But he wasn’t coming back.
I thanked him for everything and anything he’d ever done. I told him I wouldn’t let this happen to anyone else. And as a tear rolled down my cheek, I vowed to get revenge for him and his family.
It hurt that we’d lost a brother. It hurt that we were under threat and couldn’t even take a ride in honor of that brother. And more than anything, we were angry because we should have been able to stop it. We had become the weak MC in this battle. We had let our guard down, or hell, didn’t even have it high enough it the first place. Savage was a crazy mother fucker, and we should have seen this coming a mile away. But that was what could happen; time slips by and you begin to get comfortable, thinking nothing is going to happen.
Mel and the kids stayed at the clubhouse for a week. Then she said she was going to leave and stay with her sister. It was too much being around us. It was too much staying in his room with all of this things around. She told me one night that she could still smell him on the sheets. She said it comforted her, but she dreaded the day that she woke up and that scent was no longer there. She was cracking more and more each day she stayed there. She said she needed a fresh start; she needed to be strong for her children. And she couldn’t do that constantly being around with every face, every turn, reminding her of what they had lost. I understood it all too well. She didn’t want to forget him, but she wanted to remember the good times. And being at the clubhouse mostly reminded her of his bitter end.
So she packed up the kids and half of their belongings and headed out of town. But not before giving each and every one of us our own special goodbye.
She held me tight and whispered into my ear. She told me not to let the dark corners of the world pull me down. She told me that when I find the light reaching for me, that I needed to reach back. I needed to open my heart and free my soul when the time came.
I listened to her words, but I felt too heavy on the inside to even believe that there was a light out there for me.
I couldn’t blame Mel for leaving. We couldn’t protect Stone, how could we protect her and the kids? Her world was gone and it was a long way back from that. I hated being in the clubhouse, too. Everywhere I turned I was reminded of him. Of how I’d failed to protect and save him. I needed out. I needed my bike between my legs and the wind blowing away my thoughts. But I knew that would never happen with all the shit that was going on.
More often than not, my mind kept drifting back to Ellie. Fuck, it was just one night, but she stuck in my head enough for a lifetime. I did my best to let it go. I couldn’t find her. Hell, she might not even want to be found by me. For all I knew, her life had gone on, all happy and perfect just like she thought it would. However, something deep in me knew it wasn’t like what she had pictured in her head.
It’s not like there was a place for her in my world anyway. Someone like that, so pure and innocent, deserved someone better than me. Deserved a life better than the one I lived.
But there were times I’d let my mind drift to what it would be like with her by my side. That was when it all went to shit and my head went to dark places. All I ever did was fail people. And no doubt in time, I would have somehow failed her too.
But it didn’t matter because she was never going to be by my side. I had a tiny moment with her. I got a second to be wrapped in her warmth and brightness. That was it. All she could ever be to me was a fading memory.
What I needed to do was shake off whatever the hell was going on with me. I needed to focus on Switchblade. I played scenarios of what I would do to him over and over in my head. Sick as it may have been, it kept me from going off the deep end.
