Page 17 of Diesel
CHAPTER ELEVEN
Ellie
The next day, I dressed still feeling like my life had been turned upside down. I had slept for almost twelve hours, yet I felt exhausted. My plan was to go to Steven’s office and talk to him. The wedding was a little over twenty-four hours away. The timing of all of this was horrible. My life went from perfectly planned out to a heaping mess in the matter of a day.
When I got to Steven’s office, his secretary informed me that he was in a meeting. I waited for an hour in his office until he was done. He came in, surprised to see me. He kissed my cheek and took a seat next to me on the couch in the corner. I had repeated what I wanted to say to him the whole time I sat there. But as I opened my mouth, something else came out.
“I’m not ready,” I said, not meeting his eyes. He let out a heavy, aggravated breath.
“Ellie,” his tone had an edge to it that made me feel small. “It’s the day before, what is it you expect me to do now?” I shrugged feeling stupid.
“I don’t know. I’m sorry.”
“It’s just cold feet, babe,” he said after a long moment. I got the feeling he was trying to calm down before he spoke again. “Shake it off and it will all be fine.”
“No.” I shook my head as I spoke, “I just… I’m not ready yet.”
“Did you stop to think of how this is all going to look?”
“I’m not saying that we can’t get married. I’m saying that I don’t feel tomorrow is the right time,” I said unsure of where I was going with all of this.
“Okay.” He sighed. “If this is what you want. I’ll have my secretary call and cancel everything.”
“Thank you,” I said as I ducked my head a little more. I stood up and he walked me to the door.
“If we do this, there is no going back, Ellie,” he said as he firmly grabbed my arm. “This will not look good for your father. Have you even told him what you are asking of me?” I shook my head.
I hadn’t thought about that. I hadn’t really come in here with the thought of canceling the wedding, so of course, I hadn’t even thought about the bomb I was setting off. Dad would be livid, but I hoped he’d understand. I was his daughter after all. He would want what was best for me, right?
“You need to talk to him. I hope he can talk you out of this crazy idea of making a publicity nightmare for us.” He sounded like he was scolding a child. “If I don’t hear from you in two hours then I will cancel everything.” He let me go and shut the door as soon as I stepped over the threshold.
I didn’t talk to my dad. Deep down I knew how it would go over. I knew that he wouldn’t let me back out. He would tell me that I made a commitment and that I needed to follow through. Instead, I went home. I didn’t talk to my mom. I didn’t call Steven. It was done and I knew I would have to deal with the fallout. But it felt like the right thing to do, and there was no going back.
As I expected, my dad was very unhappy. So unhappy that he left for a week. He said he had some business to attend to, but I knew better. The night I told him, he wouldn’t even look at me. And mom wasn’t much better. She didn’t speak a single word to me for almost two weeks. Neither of them asked me why. Neither of them cared if I was alright. I shouldn’t have expected it any other way. But some part of me hoped at least one of them would wrap their arms around me and see that something was off. That something was incredibly wrong. But, no. My dad was too angry at having to ‘clean up my mess’ with the media to even have any concern for me.
I didn’t tell anyone about the pregnancy. I kept my picture and vitamins hidden in my purse. I wasn’t sure how long I could keep it a secret, but I knew I wasn’t ready to add to the pile of mess I had already created. I felt like I could breathe a little easier with the wedding canceled for now. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I knew it was the right thing to do, even if I was being shunned by the people closest to me.
Being pregnant with Diesel’s baby didn’t help with trying to push him out of my mind. If anything, he was there more. Like all the time, more. I wondered what he was doing. I wondered how to find him. I wondered how he would take the news.
I began to write down everything I remembered about him. The way he talked, stood, smiled. Any little detail I wrote down. Partly for myself and partly for the baby. If he didn’t want anything to do with his kid, then it was on me to make sure his kid knew about him. I wanted this baby to know the caring man I’d seen that night.
I wasn’t sure why I felt Diesel so deep in my soul. It wasn’t like we had some crazy, in-depth conversation. I didn’t spill my whole life story, nor did he. But there was something that dug in deep inside of me and held on. Was it the fact that he was my first and I had that dreamy first love that most girls got? Maybe. But more than that, it was the fact that I felt free for once in my life. I felt light and special. When he looked at me, he seemed to see past the exterior. He saw me; flaws, insecurities, and all. And he didn’t make me feel bad about any of it. He wanted me. Me of all people. Maybe it was just in that moment, but he still wanted me. He gave me everything and he held me through it all.
But then again, maybe I was being a silly girl with a hopeful imagination. I guessed I would never know, as I had no idea if I would ever see him again.
I didn’t see Steven for a month. I knew he needed time to cool down. He told me two nights after I canceled the wedding and walked out of his office, that he needed space. So, I gave it to him. I had no right to demand anything from him after what I had done.
But after that, we fell back into our routine of seeing each other two days a week. We didn’t have sex, but that was mostly because I did everything to avoid it. I’m sure he noticed, however, he didn’t seem to care or make any effort to try.
To say that my life had become complicated and scary would have been an understatement. I was lost. I was terrified. And I had no idea what to do. I wished I had someone to talk to. I wished more than anything, that I knew where Diesel was.
Needing to clear my head, I went for a drive. The sun was just starting to set and the harsh lights of the city were taking over. I drove around for hours replaying my life over and over in my head; trying to figure out the part where it went wrong. Not that it mattered, it wasn’t like I had a time machine that could take me back to that point. I couldn’t fix it. All I could do was figure out how to deal with it. But I kept thinking if I could find that one point where everything went sideways, that I would have the answers to find my way back. But back to what? The life that had been laid out for me was quickly becoming the one I didn’t want.
I didn’t want to marry Steven. I didn’t want to be his perfect, dutiful wife. I didn’t want to live a life of having horrible sex with someone that I had lukewarm feelings for.
It was at that moment that it all hit me. None of this—dating Steven and getting married—had been my idea. I had simply floated in the breeze agreeing to it all.
I found myself driving the city limits, the very motel that I had shared with Diesel just a few miles ahead. Maybe this was a sign. I had a clear direction now. I was going to look for him, starting with that bar and motel.
