Page 55 of Loch
“Oh, Reagan,” she said pulling me into her arms and squeezing me in a tight hug. “Come sit down.”
“I’ve missed you,” I blurted out turning into a weeping mess. My body shook and she guided me to the couch and held me until the tears stopped.
“I’ve missed you too dear, but I understand needing to be away from here.” She smoothed my hair as I took a deep breath.
“Everything is so messed up. I want to go on with my life but I can’t seem to find all the pieces to put myself back together.” I paused and blew my nose with the tissue she handed to me. “I’m so scared and lost and alone. I know what happened to me wasn’t my fault, but I can’t help but feel like I did this to myself. And on top of it all, the one person who I want by my side is the furthest away from me. I feel like everything is slipping away and I have no control.” She took a moment to collect her thoughts.
“First, what happened to you was a terrible thing. But you are right, none of it is your fault. That man was fucking crazy and you can’t change crazy. He made it up in his mind on what he wanted to do with you a long time ago. And there was no way to know he was going to do that.” She patted my hand. “I know you must have been scared. I get that is why you kept it a secret. But know that no matter what, you have people that are here for you. That will do anything for you.”
“I know.” I nodded my head. “I know and I should have trusted in you and even in Nate but I didn’t want to pull anyone else into my mess.”
“You have two roads ahead of you,” she said and I knew the wise wisdom was about to flow. I sat up, ready to take in every word of it. “One is dark, and will only bring you a life of regret that will eventually turn into hate and eat you alive. The other is to the light. But to take this path you must leave everything behind. Take what you can out of everything that has ever happened to you and find the strength in it to live.”
I sat there, my mind going a million different directions, as I took in her words. I processed everything and tried to find a way to live and move on.
That was the end of the heavy talk. She fed me cookies until I felt like my insides were turning into sugar. I left her house hours later. Standing at my car, I took in a deep breath of fresh air. Then I headed to the clubhouse, to start my journey of letting everything go so I could fly into the light.
A prospect I somewhat recognized waved me in as he opened the gate. I was suddenly nervous as I pulled into the clubhouse lot. I wasn’t sure if it was okay for me to be there. Then again, Brand had told me to come by. I wondered if Nate was around. I had only been there once and that was before things went south. I parked my car and stood tall as I got out. I walked in with purpose. I was a girl on a mission and no one was going to get in my way.
“Holy shit!” Bocca called out from the middle of the room as I walked through the door. “Must be my lucky day.” He ran over and gave me a big hug. A few of the other guys crowded around and pulled me in for hugs too. I welcomed them all and I couldn’t wipe the smile off of my face. Not that I wanted to. I glanced around and didn’t see Nate. I breathed a tiny sigh of relief. I was sure that if I saw him I wouldn’t back out of my plan and everything would crumble.
“Brand told me to come get some ink,” I said after all the greetings were done. Bocca and Diesel cocked a questioning brow. I shrugged.
“This way, doll.” I followed Bocca to one of the halls. He tapped on the first door on the left then pushed it open. Brand sat there hunched over a sketchbook on a table in the far corner. When he turned around and saw me, he flashed a wide smile.
“You came.” He sounded surprised. I told myself there was no backing out now.
“I’m here,” I said as I stepped into his room.
I sat down and told him what I wanted, making sure to not leave out any detail that I had in my mind. He sat and made a rough sketch as I rattled off everything. I won’t lie, I was a bit nervous about telling Brand my idea. I knew the inspiration behind it wouldn’t be lost on him. When I got to that specific detail that I knew would give me away, I watched for his reaction. He cut his eyes up and cocked a brow. But it was all gone in a flash and his attention back on the paper. After I was done, I sat back and waited for whatever was to come next.
“Do you trust me?” he asked, standing up and looking down at me. I nodded as I swallowed hard. “I’m going to freehand it on you. Okay?”
“Okay.” I sounded mousey even to my ears.
He cocked a half-smile at me and gestured for me to lie down on the reclined chair. I pulled my shirt over my head. Once I was laying on my stomach, I unclasped my bra, letting the straps hang down loosely at my sides. I took deep calming breaths as he set everything up. I jumped a little when the cool liquid hit my skin as he wiped the spot down.
“Sorry, I know it’s cold,” he whispered as my skin prickled under his gloved fingers. He sat down and scooted closer to me, tattoo gun in hand and ready to go. “You know, some say that it’s bad luck and doomed to end if to get someone’s name tattooed on you.”
“Well, I guess it’s a good thing this is my way of letting it go,” I said in a flat voice.
Without another word, the buzz of the gun kicked on and I tried to relax and prepare for a feeling I’d never had.
A couple hours later it was over and I realized that after the first twenty minutes it wasn’t that bad. Band wiped me down again, then took off his gloves and gave my shoulder a firm squeeze. I was practically jumping out of my skin with excitement. I couldn’t wait to see it.
“Ready?” he asked helping me up. My hand went to the front of my bra to hold it in place as he guided me in front of a full-length mirror on the wall. I looked over my shoulder and saw something even more beautiful than the picture in my head.
On the back of my left hip sat a big puddle. The water was shaded so well it looked real. I could almost see the ripples being made by the breeze. In the middle of the puddle sat a barren tree. The trunk was thick and dark. The brown almost seeming black. The branches reached out on all different directions. And as they went on they began to change. The tips became dark and started changing into dots that spilled outward. The dots grew larger and to morphed into wings and then silhouettes of birds in flight. The last bird was the biggest. It sat right above my shoulder blade. Its wings were wide and it was flying straight up. It was free.
I searched in the middle of the trunk of the tree. There it was, sitting right in the middle, was a huge knot. If you looked hard enough there in the knot sat the letter N, twisted and coiled like it belonged there.
Nate had set me free in so many ways. I would forever be grateful for it. Even if it hurt that he wasn’t around, he managed to make me stronger at my weakest moments. I now knew the direction I was taking, the path I’d chosen. All I had to do now was to embrace my emotions and move forward.
“It’s beautiful,” I whispered. Tears streamed down my face as a wide smile slowly spread. “Thank you.” Brand flashed a quick smile and nodded. “You done here?”
“Yeah, just have to clean up then I’m heading out.”
“You coming…” I almost said home. Funny that’s how it felt, with me pretty much living at Chris’ and Brand there every night.
