Page 53 of Loch
Ever since Reagan came back from the hospital, I’d spent the first couple of nights at my house. Some nights, I was just too drunk to even leave the clubhouse. I knew drinking wouldn’t help me. But still, I found myself at the bottom of a bottle at the end of the night. And felt like shit the next day, in more ways than one. I was avoiding and I knew it. It was stupid but I didn’t know what else to do. It was too hard to be so close to her and not be with her.
I fucking missed her. That was what it all boiled down to. I wondered if my distanced was for the best. But I couldn’t find out the answers without going to her. And that led me back to the idea that I would only make it worse for her. I was so damn convinced that I was doing the right thing.
I decided it was time to go home. There were projects there I could throw myself into and I hoped that would help. As I pulled up into the driveway I saw Brand walking out of Ethel’s house carrying a box and a bag slung over his body. I hopped out of my truck wondering what the fuck he was doing as I watched him toss the stuff into Reagan’s car.
“What the hell is going on?” I barked.
His body snapped to face in my direction. Right away, I saw his pants and shirt were smeared with dried blood. My mind raced with all the things that could have happened. Most of them involved something bad with Reagan. Panic rose to the surface and there was a sharp pain in my chest that was almost crippling. He hadn’t called me, so I hoped there wasn’t any reason to be concerned. He sighed and looked at me. His face was hard and his eyes looked uneasy.
“Reagan is going to stay with Chris for a while,” he said. “She… I don’t know what happened. But I walked into the bathroom with her crumpled on the floor, mirror broken, and her hand was bleeding. She’s fine, but she can’t stay here anymore.” He ran his fingers through his hair, pulling when he got to the ends. If I would have stopped for a second, I would have focused on the helpless look in his eyes.
I was pissed. I was mad at myself that I wasn’t there for her. I was hurt that Brand was the one to take care of her. But at the same time, I was also thankful that he was there and knew what to do. I wasn’t sure I would have thought of that myself. I would have moved her into my house, into my bed, where I wanted her all along. Where I could watch over her. I felt that that would have been the worst thing to do. Hell, when it came to Reagan, I was at a loss about everything. I didn’t know what to do or even how I should do it.
“She’s okay?” I asked, knowing deep down that she wasn’t. I also knew she wouldn’t be quick to admit it. His nod was hesitant like he was thinking the same thing I was. I could see something behind his eyes. My body went rigid and I narrowed my eyes at him. “You got something you want to say?”
“No, Loch. I should get back over there.” His tone was flat. He turned from me. I knew he had things on his mind. I had a feeling he wanted to tell me off but thought better of it.
“You stay with her,” I said before he got into her car.
It was an order, one that I had given him more times than I probably should have. He turned to me and I could see he was clenching his jaw as his nostrils flared. His chest heaved and his fingers twitched at his sides. He was doing his best to not snap. I wanted the know what the fuck was going on. Why was he so pissed at me?
“You got it, VP,” he seethed. He slid into the car and whipped out of the driveway.
I looked up to the sky and let out a loud deep roar to the Heavens. I had never felt so lost and angry at the same time. Maybe I was wrong about everything. Maybe I had just fucked up the one true and good thing I’d ever had. Maybe I just wasn’t a good enough man for her.
My plans for going home and putting her out of my mind went to shit. I straightened up my house and organized the garage. I even fucking scrubbed the bathrooms, all three of them, from top to bottom. But nothing kept my mind from spinning out of control.
I thought about going to Ethel, but something deep in my guy felt ashamed. I couldn’t pinpoint why, though. It drove me fucking mad. I questioned my every move when it came to Reagan. Then I started to question my feelings. In the end, nothing changed. I still wanted her like I wanted the sun to rise in the morning. I still missed her with every bone in my body. And I still had no clue what to do about it.
Later, as I lay in bed, the images of her ran through my head. It didn’t fucking help that I could still smell her on my sheets. Even weeks later, her scent lingered. It hit me like at damn knife to the gut. I wished everything wasn’t so fucked up. I kept thinking that if I hadn’t taken her to the clubhouse that night, things would be different. If I had just sat her down the moment I knew how I felt about her and told her. If the shit with Race and The Devil’s Kings hadn’t happened. If I had just gone home fifteen minutes earlier that night she was attacked. The fucking ‘what ifs’. Nothing you could do about them but yet they still drove you crazy.
At the end of a long and sleepless night, I wasn’t any closer to having the right answers.
CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO
Reagan
Chris had never once complained about me being in his space the whole week and a half— so far— I had been there. In truth, I was loving it. It was enough space for me to breathe and I didn’t have to walk down those damn stairs at Nan’s and relive it each time. Brand was pretty much living on the couch and the three of us got along so well. I felt like Chris enjoyed the company as much as I needed it.
I decided it was time. I was going to go back to work. I knew Chris had the night off and was in the city on some date he got off the Internet or something. I wasn’t all that sure about it. But hey, if he was happy about it then I would be too, for him. I didn’t grow up with technology in my back pocket, so I wasn’t really savvy on the ways of that world. Sure, I had a not too long ago gotten a smart phone, but the most I did was look up movie times and play silly games. I realized that for a twenty-three-year-old, it was pretty sad. Anyway, with Chris being off, I knew Nate would be at the bar and I could talk to him about coming back.
I dressed in my usual work attire. A vintage rock tee, black skinny jeans that looked like they were shredded to pieces, and my boots. I put my hair in a high ponytail. I did my makeup, thankful that most everything was healed and there wasn’t much to cover up.
I hopped in the car, thinking how I was actually grateful now that Nate bought the damn thing for me. I wondered what even happened to my old one. I hoped the boys had lit it on fire and roasted marshmallows over it. The images of that night threatened to come spilling into my mind. I did my best to stomp them all down.
I headed over to the bar, pulling into the empty lot right as the clock on my dash turned five. I took in a deep breath, wishing it would give me courage before I opened the car door and stepped out. The gravel crunching under my feet didn’t drown out my hammering heartbeat. I was practically shaking with the thought of seeing Nate. I was scared and excited all at the same time. And if I was being honest, I missed him. I shouldn’t have. I shouldn’t even want him after the way he had treated me. The way he abandoned me. Or so I felt. He pretty much left me when I needed him the most. But then again, I before all of this I wasn’t even sure that I meant something to him. I let out a heavy sigh as I pulled open the door.
There he was, sitting at the end of the bar wearing his worn jeans and cut, looking just as sexy as I remembered him. His eyes immediately looked to mine but I couldn’t read his expression. Anger? Surprise? Hurt? I had no idea. He stood up as I shuffled my way over to him. We stood awkwardly a few feet apart. I wanted nothing more than to throw myself into his arms but I held back. The seconds ticked on in a heavy silence.
He looked different, yet still familiar. His hair was a bit longer. His eyes looked tired and a little broken. I wondered if there was something that went on while I was stuck in my hole. Or, perhaps it had everything to do with me. I had no clue at all and I was too scared to ask. He still looked like my strong knight, though, and I longed to be the princess that he kissed.
“I’m here to work,” I finally said. “If you still want me that is.” Yes, my words were meant to be taken more than one way.
“Are you sure?” he asked as his body softened a little. “You don’t have to. Chris and I have it handled.” I shook my head and threw up my arms in frustration.
“I don’t need kid gloves, Loch.” He flinched at the use of his road name. Maybe that had been a bit too much but I was a little pissed off. I knew he had the guys looking out for me. I had my suspicions that he had Brand watching over me. That was the reason Brand had been around all the time. Buthehadn’t been there.
He let out a long sigh and rubbed the back of his neck. I started to think it was a bad idea that I was there.
