Page 4 of Tempting the Player
I can’t believe I finally got to take her home last week. Nervous? To approach a girl? Me? Yeah, right, that doesn’t happen…or didn’t, but I was nervous approaching Kate. I’d seenall the other guys approach her and be given the cold shoulder, as though she wasn’t interested in guys at all. For months, I'd watched her and never seen her say yes to a guy, but she said yes to me, more fool her.
But she'd been eyeing me up when she thought I wasn't looking - that’s the only thing that made me pluck up the courage to talk to her. She’s way classier than any girl I’d generally go for - the ones that say yes straight away. She was the best I’ve ever had. Amazing. The number of times I've replayed last Saturday night over and over in my head, and had to take care of myself while thinking of her - the sounds she made, her face when she comes, how she tastes - everything about her. Using my hand is not the same, but I can't sleep with the hard-ons that I've been getting this last week - I have to get rid of them somehow.
She hasn’t been in any of the pubs tonight that I've seen, but if she’s out tonight, she’ll be in here. I quickly scan the place searching for her. I’m not sure why I'm wasting all this time and energy when I’m not going to talk to her - I can’t. She can do much better than me. Never had a girlfriend - I would be crap boyfriend material, out with the lads all the time, and when I’m not working, I’m training. I flinch at the word boyfriend. Then there’s my dick, I can’t control it, it’s always wanting action - staying faithful to one woman is not my deal. She’s better off without me, she doesn’t deserve that. Something about her got to me, though. Kate… Kate… I love saying her name, even in my head. It makes me feel close to her. I know her name. I've said it while I come inside her, alright, in a condom, but still. I replay her voice, how it sounded when she was panting in my ear. I've got to stop this, I'm a bloody joke. Walking out on her before she woke last week, Hell, I feel shitty about that. I always make it clear to the women I fuck that it’s a one-time deal and have neverfelt shitty, not once, so why do I feel shitty doing it to her? She got inside my head, that’s why.
Ollie, my best mate, turns to me. “Man, who are you looking for? You’ve been scanning the pubs all night, and now you’re the same in here – is it that bird you shagged last week? Could it be that Ginger wants to go back for seconds for the first time in his life?”
I wince at his terminology. Why am I wincing? I talk about women that way all the time. I don’t want to admit it, but I don’t like hearing him talk about Kate that way. I don’t want him to guess I have a thing for someone - I have my reputation to protect.
“Nah... wouldn’t go there again. She was awesome in the sack, actually, but you know me, Ol, don’t stick it in the same bird twice - I’ve had her now, I’m done – time for the next one.” I hate myself for talking about her like that, but I don’t want him to think I’m going soft.
Someone clears their throat behind me, and my whole body stiffens as dread fills me. I don’t want to turn around. I look at Olly, and his eyes are wide like a deer caught in headlights. I know who’s stood behind me. I reluctantly turn around and see a sight I will never forget as long as I live. Kate is standing there with her friends, and the hurt on her face makes me feel as though I'm being stabbed through the fucking gut – it’s painful, I can't help but wince. She looks as though she’s going to cry, but straightens, her face becoming impassive. She shouts over the thumping music, “Well, it’s not as if you didn’t warn me.” And turns on her heels to flee.
I am a wanker… shit. Her friends scowl at me and turn to follow her.
It’s for the best, I’d only end up hurting her. She was something special, though - that night was something special. I hope she didn’t feel it too, because if she feels the same way I do right now, it would kill me.
Chapter 1
10 years later.
“Mummy, is it time to go yet?” Jess asks for the hundredth time. My little thing is excited about starting school. This school visit has been all she has talked about over the last few days.
She is jumping up and down, fidgeting - she can't keep still with excitement. She’s my little mini-me, with her long red hair and green eyes - she looks exactly like I did when I was her age. My heart hurts that she's starting school, my baby is growing up too quickly. She's full of excitement, whereas I'm full of anxiety. Anxiety that she’ll settle in okay and make new friends, that she’ll cope with the separation from me. The truth is, I'm not handling it well, but I'm trying not to let it show.
I check out the window for signs of her dad. We need to be leaving soon – the open afternoon begins in fifteen minutes. The other children who’ll be starting in reception class with her will be there this afternoon. It’s to help them settle in so that it won't be daunting for them - it's the first time they’ll meet each other.
“It’s nearly time to go, sweetheart, get your coat on - Daddy will be here any time.” I search out of the window again, wondering if Patrick's partner, Gary, will come too. I have no issues with Gary. I’ve grown fond of him, and he’s a natural with Jessica, but for a first-time meeting, everyone will be wondering what our family dynamics are, although they’ll find out sooner or later - might as well be sooner.
So yes, my ex-husband - Jess's father - is gay. We were happy, or so I thought, and I loved him and had no idea hewas gay. Looking back, it was never the right kind of love with Patrick. I still remember the day he told me.
Kate, I’m sorry, but I can't carry on like this. It’s not good for you, Jess or me. I have a different life to lead, one different from this one. I'm sorry, but what I'm going to tell you is going to hurt you, but there’s nothing I can do about it.
I thought when I heard that, he was going to tell me he was having an affair, or that he’d cheated on me, but then I was hit with the bombshell.
I... I think I'm gay.
I was shocked - he’d never given me any sign that he was gay. Once he’d left and I dissected our relationship, I realised we didn’t have the right kind of relationship at all. We were friends — best friends — who barely had any intimate contact whatsoever. I didn’t realise, thought we’d fallen into a rut. That’s what every couple goes through, right? Actually no.
I can't stop these feelings and thoughts. The truth is, I think I've been in denial for years, and I can't carry on like this– I'm existing, not living.
That hurt, cutting deep because I didn’t feel like I was just existing, I was happy. I had my little family, I had my baby girl, and I washappy. Patrick and I never fought. I didn’t know that zero passion wasn’t right in a marriage. Truth is, we could easily have been two roommates raising a child together.
I'm hurting you, I get that – if I could change it, I would. I can't say that I would do things any differently, because if I had, I wouldn’t have Jess. So, I don’t haveany regrets, except that if I could have done this without hurting you, I would have. You’re my best friend, and I’m worried I'm going to lose that, but I don’t want to hide who I am anymore. I can't.
I was devastated. He shattered my idyllic family setting, the three of us together. I had an idea of the life I wanted for Jess, but he spoiled that for me. What I know now is that it doesn’t have to be conventional to work. I wanted a happy family unit. I hated him for a time, for being with me at all, if he always felt he was hiding these feelings. I'm over it now, so over it, I believe he did the right thing.
I've never had the hot sex they describe in romance books I read, well, maybe once, many years ago, with a rugby player. It wasn't like that with Patrick. Perhaps I’ll never get that now - the romance, the yearning, the sex, being swept off my feet. I want that, all of it - I was settling with Patrick, and for getting me out of that, I have to thank him.
Jess is happy and used to how things are. I do still find it hard to deal with the fact that we’re not ‘conventional’ anymore, but she was too young to realise what was happening when we split, she was only two, this is normal life for her. The two of us are at home, and Daddy is with Gary, whom she adores. She loves staying at her dad's, they treat her like a princess.
That’s how it is for me now. I got to keep our semi-detached house. He helps with Jess - we have a good relationship. He has her two evenings a week, where he collects her from school, she stays over, and he takes her to school in the morning. He also has her every other weekend, but we’re flexible with each other. I hate it when she’s away from me. She loves going to her dad's, but it's as though I’ve lost a limb when she’s not at home. She’ssuch a good kid, and now as she’s getting older, I have a little friend.
Hmmm, the rugby player - that was a hot night - but he couldn't get away fast enough - I wonder now, because it was so long ago, have I built it up in my head to be something it’s not – something fantastic? It was by far the best sex of my life. I still think of that night sometimes. It’s a rare man who cares that you come first, that you’re enjoying yourself. After my first experience, I thought that men only cared about getting off – but he was everything that I’d always thought that the perfect man would be, gentle, rough, tender, masterful - but he left before I woke. I thought we had something — what an idiot I was. I was young and naïve. I can’t imagine a guy like that ever settling down or changing.
Patrick’s car pulls up, bringing me back to the here and now. We make our way outside as he gets out of the car.
“Hiya, Jessie!” he shouts, and she runs to him, giving him a big hug. I watch them both together, she doesn’t resemble him – he’s so blond that his hair is nearly white, and he's a slim build, around 5’10. I say ‘hi’ to him, turn, and grab my bag and lock the front door.
