Page 69 of Rider Forbidden
We settle down with our drinks and Jack makes small talk, he talks about how long they've lived there, how long they've been together - gathering information for me. I'm quiet, no one is talking about the elephant in the room. Elijah.
Bobby finally asks. “So . . . Elijah. Can you tell me what he’s like?”
You'd know arsehole, if you'd tried to get in touch. I spoke to dad about anything he found out but he’s squeaky clean, no skeletons in his closet and being away in the armymaybeexplains why he never contacted Elijah, only a little - at the end of the day, he’s still missed all his fucking birthdays. Not to mention the sleepless nights, the fevers, the teething. I need to find a way to let go of this anger if I'm about to let Bobby into my Eli's life.
“Before we talk about Elijah, I have to ask, I have to know. Fair enough, it was a shock finding out I was pregnant, but still it was a dick move, not wanting anything to do with me . . .”
I see him wince, “but for four years you haven't even tried to get in touch with him, tried to know him, so how come it took you seeing me back here to suddenly want to make contact? I should have asked this when we first met but honestly, I didn't have the courage to be so forthright.” I know that Jack being here is giving me courage.
He sighs “I'm sorry, there’s no excuse for it, being away, in the RAF, I was so busy, hardly at home, and it’s hard . . . tough. It's only since I came out, met Zara that I’ve thought about getting back in touch - thought about contacting your parents asking them to get in touch with you.”
Zara puts her hand on his and squeezes. I watch the action. Has it been bothering him? He stands up to get a pile of things and hands them to me.
“What’s these?”
“Birthday cards, Christmas cards, letters I wrote to him while I was in the force. I never sent them, I always knew I had to square things with you first, but I still thought about him, every day.”
Wow, this has floored me. All these years, I thought he didn't care about his son and he’s thought about him all these times. There are cards, but the letters . . . there are so many letters.
“What do you want me to do with these?”
He shrugs “I don't know, maybe keep them for when he’s older if you think that'd be OK?”
I know right at this moment, if he cared enough to do that, then I have to let him back in Eli's life. I owe it to Eli to have someone else in his life who loves him.
I hand him back the cards and letters. “You can give them him yourself when he’s older and you think he can deal with them.”
Bobby looks at me hopefully. “Does this mean what I think it means?”
I nod “You ever,everlet him down I will do everything I can to make your life a misery do you understand? He is the most important precious thing in this world. If you hurt him, I will hurt you. If I go ahead with this, let you get to know him, you can’t disappear out of his life once you are in it, do you understand?”
Bobby nods “I promise Robbie . . . Robyn. Sorry. I promise I won't let him down or you,being in the RAF changed me, it makes you grow up, I know what’s important now.”
I sigh “OK, we’ll arrange for you to come around, I’ll tell him who you are. A few visits and a few outings with me of course - Zara you are welcome, - you will be in his life too. I'm not ready for you to have him on your own yet, he has to get to know you and be comfortable with you before I’ll allow that to happen, yeah?”
He nods “Anything, I’ll do whatever you say. Thank you so much.”
I let out a deep breath and look over at Jack, he’s looking at me with such a tender look, he gives me a slow smile and a wink. My belly flutters. I relax after that, happy that I’ve got out what I wanted to say and everyone seems to take my lead and relax too. Bobby and Zara ask questions about Elijah, I tell them what he’s like, what he likes, his personality - my favourite subject . . . always will be.
When we get back into the car to go home Jack puts his hand on my knee. “So proud of you, Danish. I know how hard that was for you, you were so classy, the way you handled it. It's for the best you know, you’ve done the right thing.”
I sigh “I guess, thanks Jack, for some reason I felt you gave me the courage, it wouldn’t have gone as well if I’d have gone on my own - so thank you.
He leans over and gives me a quick kiss and then says into my mouth. “You’re welcome, sweetheart.”
“Jack, they might see.” We were still parked up outside their house.
“One; he didn’t believe for a second we were just friends and two; that guy will bend over backwards to kiss your arse so you let him see your son, so I don’t think we need to worry about him. Plus, I know it was a dick move, what he did to you when you got pregnant, I mean, that doesn’t even cover it, but right now, he seems like a solid enough guy, and you know I’d tell you the truth.”
I nod. “I know, and you’re right, it sounded crazy when I said it that we were just friends. We're gonna have to get better at covering this up you know?”
He rolls his eyes at me.
“I mean it Jack, my dad can't find out.”
He sighs “I know, but its fucking shit.”
I don’t say anything, he’s right it is. I don’t know what to do about it.
