Page 71 of Rider Forbidden
I look down at my feet. Fuck. I fucking hate this guy! Shit, this isn't just about me, it’s about everyone on my team. All the hard work they've put in, I can't do this to them. I close my eyes and shake my head. “Fine.”
“Sorry?” he asks
I look up at him, so angry I want to punch him right in his stupid face. My hands form fists at my side, I need to control this. “I said fine, OK? I’ll end it. Now leave . . . please.” I know when I'm beaten and shit, I hate to lose, but this guy has me over a barrel.
He stands up to leave.
I spit out “You don't know her at all. You don't deserve to have her or Eli back in your life.”
“And you do deserve to have them in your life? Don't make me laugh.”
He walks out and I slam the door behind him. I feel sick to my stomach at what I’ve just agreed to. How can I end it with her? I'm falling for her for fuck’s sake. I never thought I’d fall for anyone, but here I am. Excited when I get to see her, loving spending time with her and her little guy. Shit. I promised her that I wouldn't let her down, that if she gave me a chance that I’d be worth it.
Am I worthless like he thinks? Because truth is, as much as I know everyone is relying on me, I also know I want to race, I’ve worked for it all year. Am I a selfish twat that doesn't deserve her? Probably.
*****
I avoid her all day at work, I throw myself into work, the race, research on the other competition, obviously that’s more important to me than anything . . . than her . . . right? So might as well do it properly. It's not unusual that we don't see each other much in the day, but lately, since we've agreed to give us a go, I’ve always made a point of going to her - chatting, getting her a coffee - but not today, she probably wonders if there’s something wrong.
I walk up her path - its nine pm, I know Eli will be in bed by now, I text her to say I was coming round so she’s expecting me. I can't believe I'm going to do this. I hate that that arsehole has pinned me into a corner - I'm powerless. God, does she know what her dad is capable of? But I guess she does, now I get why she moved away when she found out she was pregnant. It's the best thing she ever could have done. Maybe she thinks that he’s mellowed now - she couldn't be more wrong.
She opens the door when I get there. Christ, she takes my breath away. Can’t she look rough? Just for once, why does she always have to look gorgeous? Sexy without even trying. My stomach lunges down to my feet. I have to go through with this, I have to.
I give her a small smile. “Hey.”
She smiles at me big and steps back so I can come in. Then when she’s shut the front door she walks over to me and puts her arms around my waist, leaning into me as she looks up. “I missed you today.”
I look down at her. I don't know who this is gonna hurt most, me or her.
Right Jack, come on, time to be a bastard. I have to switch it on. Never normally a problem for me, but since I’ve been with her, she’s changing me. She’s making me be a better person just by being around her.
I close my eyes and reach for her hands around my waist and pull them away. I step back, creating some room between us. “Robyn, we need to talk.”
“What’s wrong?”
“I don't think this is a good idea, me and you. I know I wanted it, but I'm sorry, I think my head was just fucked up. I don't know what I was thinking. I shouldn't be getting mixed up with you.”
She gives a shaky laugh. “What are you talking about?”
“I shouldn't have said that I wanted to start something with you - I'm sorry.”
She frowns. “What? Why? What’s brought this on Jack? Are you OK?”
“No . . . no, I'm not. I can't stay faithful to one woman. I want this to end . . . now.”
“But . . . all the things you've said, the way you've acted, this doesn't make any sense.”
I have to be a bastard. “Look, at least I’ve come and said it to your face. I don't want to just fuck one woman and I don't want to take on someone else's kid.”
She rears back as though I’ve just hit her “What?” she whispers, “How can you be saying this?”
I shrug but don't say anything. This hurts, so much. I went too far bringing Eli into it, but at least she’ll want shut of me now, there’s no going back from saying that - even though it's not true. A couple of months ago I would never have believed that I would feel this way about her . . . about Eli.
“You bastard. You . . . all the things you said. You just wanted to get laid, right?”
“Whatever I thought I was feeling, I wasn't. It's better I'm honest with you now, than down the road. I’ve got to go.”
I walk towards the door, as I'm leaving I turn around and look at her. She looks lost . . . bewildered. “I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you.”
