Page 74 of Perfect
She certainly doesn’t do that with me. We’realwaysin fucking conflict, and she pushes me hard on everything. On some level, that means she knows she can trust me. Even if she doesn’t acknowledge it, I know it’s because she can feel we’re connected. I know that she wants to be with me, but she’s probably afraid to be happy. Maybe she doesn’t know how.
I’m going to need to workmuchharder to get her past her trust issues.
I have fucked this up so badly, but I really want to fix it. I can’t stop thinking of her face as she sat in my kitchen. She looked so genuinely miserable, and I hated it, hated that she wasn’t happy, hated the idea that maybe I was a small part of why she felt that way. This isnotwhat I thought this relationship would be like, but she’s mine and I want to take care of her.
I just don’t knowhowto do that yet.
***
“Theodore, this isveryconcerning to me. Do you know why?”
“Because her ex is afuckand now she’s got all these issues that she shouldn’t have to deal with?” I don’t want to talk to Dr. Mills about this, but I need alittlebit of advice on how to take better care of Alex, and she’ll have to do.
“Yes,” she says patiently, “but I’m mostly concerned that you’ve found yourself in a relationship with a very recent survivor of domestic abuse. I think you, specifically, might trigger a lot of her trauma by accident.” I shoot her a dirty look and cross my arms.
“What are youtalkingabout? I don’t hit women.” Dr. Mills gives me a serious, considering look.
“Maybe not, but stalking is a form of domestic violence.”
“I’m notstalkingher, I’m dating her.” I’m doing both, technically, but it’s different with Alex. She’s mine, so it’s okay.
“You’ve stalked women in the past.”
I roll my eyes at her. “Onewoman.” Technically. “I’ve taken accountability for that, I’ve apologized, and I’ve worked on myself a lot since then. I’m fine now.” Dr. Mills blinks and purses her lips as she scrutinizes me.
“Theodore, please consider this seriously: you’ve spent nine years completing whatever therapy you’ve been required to participate in, but you’ve had very little ability to test your skills in the real world andnoability to test them in regards to romantic relationships before this point.
"You’ve discontinued your medication, you’ve barely reintegrated into society, you have no family relationships, no friends to speak of, and no involvement in any sort of community. You have, essentially, isolated yourself and fixated on finding a partner. That’s concerning enough to me foryoursake. On top of that, you’ve now found yourself in a relationship with a vulnerable, traumatized young woman who has only just left an abusive situation and has not, it sounds like, begun to seriously process or move past her trauma.
"What’s concerning to me, forAlex’ssake, is thatyou’ve found boundaries specifically challenging in the past. I’d guess that she might find being pushed on any of her boundaries, spoken or unspoken, exceedingly difficult to handle. Do you see why I’m concerned for both of you?” Her words skip over my brain, making shallow waves that ripple out.
I’m sure that would be concerning if that’s what was happening here, but she’s way off base. This woman barely knows me, she doesn’t know Alex at all, and she’s missing alotof context, like the fact that Alex and I are connected.
That context is critical.
“I can understand where you’re coming from.” She gives me a sharp look.
“Okay, let me ask you this: do you think that sounds like a good situation for Alex?” Anger flares in my chest, and I force myself to keep my face neutral. I’m making it a good situation for Alex. I might have gotten this wrong at the start, but I’m recalibrating. I’m taking her past into account now and adjusting everything to suit her better. I can make her happy. I can make this work for her. Wework.Wefit.
“I think Alex can decide if it’s a good situation. I trust her judgment.” I will, anyway. She’s very confused right now, but I trust that she’ll see that this is good for her soon.
“I’m concerned that she may not be in a place right now to judge what’s best for her.” My knee starts bouncing, and I give Dr. Mills a tight smile. I really fucking dislike her.
“Your concern is misplaced.” She blinks and purses her lips.
***
All I want to do after therapy is spend time with Alex and reassure myself that Dr. Mills is wrong, but my stomach sinks as I watch Alex open the door and sigh in defeat when she sees me.She drops her bag and coat on the floor and beelines for the cabinet where she keeps her wine, pouring herself a glass almost to the brim. I force a smile as she comes into the living room, sipping her wine quickly and not looking at me as she curls up on the couch as far away from me as she can get.
This is off to such a bad start.
She’s been subdued and kind of depressed since Saturday, and I know it’s because I fucked up and lost my temper and went alittletoo far. I could tell she enjoyed it, though. I think it was fine until the misunderstanding about the apology thing. I think that’s where it all went wrong.
“What are you cooking and how are you fucking me?” Her voice is flat and she’s drinking quickly, still not looking at me, and my knee starts bouncing quickly. I need her to see I’m a normal boyfriend, not an abusive fuck like her ex, but she’s so guarded that even that seems like a huge hurdle.
“I thought we could order in and watch the Red Sox game?” Her face flickers with interest, and relief washes through me as she finally looks at me.Thiswas the right move. She nods, turning on her TV and pulling the game up.
“What do you want to order, sweetheart?”
