Page 56 of Perfect
“I mean it when I say I just like to cook, and I don’t care what you look like. I mean, you’re fucking gorgeous, but I think you’d be gorgeous no matter what.”
She scoffs. “Yeah,right.”
I wince slightly. What thefuckwas her marriage like?
***
Alex frowns while she watches me cook, seeming shocked when I make the cheesecake she asked for. She eats half a slice of it slowly, looking at me like I’m insane when I ask her what she likes to eat so I can start meal planning for us. She gives noncommittal answers and makes another shitty comment about me dieting her, but that’s fine. I’ll figure it out. I can adjust the food I make and how I portion it, so she doesn’t feel like she’s being scrutinized or dieted.
I refuse to adjust to the fact that Alex does not seem to like me or trust me atall, because I know this fucking works.
It will, anyway, once she stops fighting it.
She seems confused when I make us tea and put onSleepless in Seattle. I know she likes it, so I thought it would make her comfortable to see that I like it. I don’t, actually, but I act like I do. Alex relaxes enough to start joking about the movie, and she tells me halfway through that it’s her least favorite Nora Ephron film, and that she sort of hates it.
I relax a little. She’s opening up to me, and we’re more similar than I thought. This is working.
She’sveryconfused when I don’t initiate sex. I can’t help that it’s obvious how much I want her, but I ignore it and hold her in my arms, focusing on syncing my breath to hers. It takes her a long time to relax, but once she falls asleep, she melts into me the way she only does when she’s sleeping.
The next morning, I greet her with a kiss, ignoring that goddamn fucking flinch of hers. She keeps giving me these wary looks over breakfast, but she eats most of the omelette I make her. When I drop her off at work, I’m sweet to her and pretend everything is fine before I go home and do everything in my power to keep my shit together.
I just need to focus on the small list of things that are working rather than the laundry list of things I have to fix.
My phone chimes, and I almost drop it when I see the texts from Alex.
Alex, 1:15 PM:
I liked the omelette
I like osso buco
I hate turnips
please don’t make food a sex thing
Theo, 1:16 PM
No turnip butt plugs, then?
freak
I grin down at my phone, feeling lighter. We’re joking around. This is finally going in the right direction, and I just need to keep working for it.
I didn’t realize it would be so much goddamn work, but I know the extent of her trust issues now, and I know I need to work a lot harder to earn her trust. I’ll do whatever it takes, because Alex is worth it.
She’s mine whether she likes it or not, but I want her to like it.
17
ALEX
SATURDAY, OCTOBER 7
Theo and I have reached a weird detente where he pretends we’re dating, and I pretend that I’m not afraid of him. I’m still sure he’s going to kill me, but I can’t keep living in fear every moment of my life, so I do my best to ignore my feelings and pretend nothing is wrong.
I spend my days at work trying to think about how to get out of the trap he’s set, but it seems impossible. Bailey and Catherine don’t seem to notice that anything’s wrong, but I think Suzie can tell. She’s asked me out to lunch more than once in the last two weeks, but I keep finding reasons to put it off. I don’t want to ask her for more help until I figure out what type of help I need, or if Theo’s a danger to anyone else.
He’s a danger to me, even if he seems to buy his own lie that he won’t hurt me. I know it’s bullshit, but his insistence means I can push him hard enough to figure out the boundaries of his delusion.
