Page 47 of Perfect
I breathe deeply and think of the affirmations I’ve been repeating for months, but I can’t seem to remember them.
Theo, 2:02 AM:
You should get some sleep.
I don’t sleep, but I lay in bed and pretend so that he stops texting me. I replay the weekend in my mind, getting stuck on the sex. Rape? Sex? I don’t even know what I think thatwas, and I can’t handle how it made me feel, so I try to ignore it. This has to be about more than sex if he thinks we’re dating, but I don’t know. He’s going to kill me either way, but if I play along, maybe he won’t hurt me until then.
How did I end up in this situation? Maybe this is just what happens with me and men. Maybe this is my fault, somehow, the same way Danny was.
I close my eyes and exhale harshly, pinching myself.
I can’t think about it like that anymore – there’s no fucking way that was my fault, and this isn’t, either.
I lay there until my alarm goes off then get up and start getting ready quickly, staying as clothed as possible. When I walk out into the living room, I groan when I notice all the gift bags. I can’t accept anything from him, but I can’t piss him off by throwing them out, so I put them all under my bed.
My phone chimes repeatedly, but I ignore it. I need to play along with him, but I can’t lean into his delusion, so I’ll just try to ignore him for the most part.
Theo, 7:00 AM:
Good morning. How are you feeling?
You haven’t had insomnia before.
Theo, 7:14 AM:
You forgot your lunch.
I get to work early, skipping the cafe just in case he knows I go there, and I sit at my desk and stare into space trying to figure out how to handle this.
Theo, 7:53 AM:
Why didn’t you come to the coffee shop?
Of course he’s been stalking me there. God, how did I not noticeanyof this?
Theo, 8:32 AM:
Why aren't you eating breakfast?
Oh my god, he’s got cameras in my office, too. Isthatwhy he was here last week? How long has he been following me?
I pull up the web browser on my work computer and start looking for surveillance equipment to see what I should be looking for, but my web browser crashes. I pull up the browser again, searching for “THEODORE ANDERSON OREGON” and the browser crashes. I search for what to do if you’re being stalked, and the browser crashesagain.
I’m on the verge of tears when I hear my phone chime.
Theo, 9:17 AM:
Please don’t be upset.
This is just while we adjust.
Theo, 10:09 AM:
You look gorgeous today.
Theo, 10:20 AM:
You don’t usually have this much coffee.
