Page 204 of Perfect
It takes me six months after my failed attempt to have sex with Theo to start masturbating again, and I don’t push myself, but I do everything I can to feel in control of my body again. I talk to Theo about it, and he begs me to take it slowly.
It doesn’t work at first, but I eventually get there, and I cry from sheer happiness the first time I have an orgasm. I work to get used to the feeling of having something inside me again, which takes alotlonger to adjust to, but I finally get to the point where I can feel pleasure with no undercurrent of fear.
Once I have back the final thing Danny tried to take from me, I bring all the paintings down from the attic and burn them. Once they’re burnt, I write Theo a long, detailed, explicit letter about what I want him to do to me when he’s home, complete with a small pile of polaroids.
The next time I see him, he looks at me like he’s starving.
***
When his release is a few weeks away, we talk about what we’re going to do when he gets out.
Theo tells me that besides marrying me immediately and getting me pregnant as soon as I let him,ifI let him, he’d like to take me somewhere, anywhere I want to go, because we both deserve a fucking vacation. I ask him if he wants to help plan it, but he says he doesn’t care where we go, what we do, or how long we’re there, as long as it's somewhere he won’t lose sight of me easily.
He tells me he wants one week at home before we leave, to decompress and cook and fuck and relax, and I flash him a big, shit-eating grin.
“So, what you’re saying is that you want to fuck and play house?” He shakes his head at me, smirking.
“That’s pretty much all I’ve ever wanted, Alex.”
“I fuckingknewit.”
59
THEO
SUNDAY, AUGUST 3
The meds made time pass faster and made my separation anxiety easier to manage, but I stop taking them a week before I get out. Alex notices the difference immediately, but she doesn’t say anything.
I can tell I’m not the only one who prefers it when I’m not on them.
Once they wear off, I’ve got so much energy that I feel like I’m crawling out of my skin. I can’t sleep much, and I have no appetite anyway because the food, even the stuff from the commissary, is all fuckingdisgusting. I notice that my anxiety and nightmares are much worse without the meds, but I know it’ll all go away once I finally get my fucking hands on Alex again.
The day before I’m released, she visits wearing the exact green dress she wore the first time I saw her in Catherine’s office two years ago, and I freeze when I see her.
She’s still stunning, but she looks so different now. She stopped dying her hair, changing it back to her natural honey-colored blonde, and she cropped it halfway up her long, delicate neck. The stress of dealing with everything killed her appetite for a long time, but she’s been eating regularly and looks healthy again.
She’shealthy for the first time since I’ve known her. She’s calmer and confident, more stable and grounded in herself. She drinks a lot less than she used to, and she won’t drink at all if she’s upset. She’s better at regulating and dealing with her emotions. She doesn’t shut down as often, and she doesn’t lie to me at all anymore.
She’s so fucking perfect.
I pull her tight and give her the short kiss I’m allowed to before we sit down. I look at the guards on duty and know I’m not going to get away with sitting next to her, so I reach my hand across the table and touch any fucking part of her I can. I have less than twenty-four hours, and then I can touch her as much as I want.
A sly smile spreads across her face as she slowly massages my right hand.
“Change of plans for tomorrow. We’re not going home right away.” I’m too worked up to handle this right now, and I close my eyes and exhale hard, trying to stay calm, but my knee starts bouncing instantly.
“Sweetie, what thefuck? Why not?” She grins at me and drags her fingernails across the inside of my wrist, and being turned on by her calms me down slightly.
“Um, I told Bailey that a three-hour car ride after a year without you would be torture, and she surprised us with a nicehotel room ten minutes away.” She blushes as she speaks, and I relax at once. “I’m checking in after I leave here. We’ll go straight there tomorrow, and then we’ll go home the next morning.” I make a mental note to add more money to the trust I had Catherine set up for Miles. “She also tried to give me a box of pregnancy tests,” Alex mutters under her breath, and I grin.
“Have I ever told you that Ireallylike Bailey?” She laughs.
“Constantly, and the feeling is mutual.Anyway, the hotel is nice and the reviews on the restaurant are good. I called ahead and asked about room service, so we don’t have to leave the room.”
“You’re so fucking wonderful.”
She smirks at me. “I also brought some things I thought you might want.”
