Page 197 of Perfect
I’m nervous as I’m sworn in, catching the eyes of Bailey, Elise, and Theo to ground myself as I stutter through the oath. When the prosecutor starts asking me questions, I have to work hard to focus on staying present and not dissociate. Elise and I prepared extensively for the testimony, but talking to the prosecutor is still harder than I thought it would be.
I don’t want to talk about any of these things, but I need Theo to come home, so I sit on the stand and I cry and I answer all of the questions the way Elise and I practiced and I let everyone on the jury pity me, even though I fucking hate it. I pretend the crime scene photos aren’t as horrifically brutal as they are, and I pretend like watching Theo kill Danny wasn’t terrifying, and I do my best to carefully playact around the truth of what happened, the truth that everyone in the room knows but that no one can acknowledge.
What Theo did wasn’t self-defense.
It was an act of love.
***
Elise instructed us to act dignified and somber if Theo got acquitted, so I bite my cheeks not to smile, and we keep our heads down as we hurry to our car. We’re barely out of the courthouse parking lot when Theo leans in towards me, his dimples bracketing his wide smile as he slips his fingers through mine.
“Hi, sweetheart,” he whispers, and I grin at him, squeezing his hand and trying not to cry.
“Hey, baby.”
“You’re a fucking angel,” he says softly, “a lying, manipulative littleangelwho just saved me from a lifetime of prison food.” I laugh, crying because it’s the first time I’ve laughed in six months and because I’ve missed him so badly.
When I pull up to a red light, he’s immediately in my space, halfway in the driver’s seat as he cups my face in his hands, whispering that he loves me in between soft, deep kisses. I’m lost in the kiss until someone behind us honks, and Theo swears, flipping off the driver behind us as I push him back to his seat and start driving again.
“I didn’t even lie that much,” I say, and Theo rolls his eyes at me. “Okay, well, your legal argument couldn’t be ‘he fucking deserved it,’ which hedid,” I say a little more bitterly than I intend. Theo doesn’t respond, and when I look at him, his face has gone entirely blank, his knee bouncing quickly.
“Teddy?” He shakes his head, running his hand through his hair.
“What? Sorry, I was just…yeah. Anyway, it’s over. We don’t ever have to think about it again.” His hand grips mine hard, and I grip his back.
“No, we don’t. I’d rather think about what you’ll do to me when we get home,” I say, trying hard to keep my voice light. He looks over at me and smirks, but the corners of his mouth are tight and he’s much more tense than he was a minute ago.
I swallow my creeping anxiety and focus on the fact that everything can finally go back to normal now.
***
I start sobbing the second we’re through the front door, all the stress of the last six months overtaking me in a heartbeat, and Theo pulls me into his arms immediately, kissing every part of me he can reach.
“It’s okay, sweetheart, I’ve got you. Come here,” he whispers as he bends down to pick me up, and I wrap my legs around him and bury my face into his neck. He grips the back of my thighs as he walks us into the living room, holding me closely on thecouch, one hand cupping the back of my head and his other arm locking around my waist.
He talks to me as I cry, telling me how much he missed me, how much he loves me, how he’s going to make up for everything, how he’s going to make sure I’m happy from now on, and his breath catches as he starts to cry, too.
We stay like that for a long time until he takes a deep breath and I follow, and we calm each other down. I pull back and smile at him, taking his face in my hands and looking at his teary, vulnerable expression.
“Welcome home.” His face lights up with an ecstatic smile, and he pulls me into a slow, deep kiss.
It takes me a minute to realize that we’re home, completely alone, and that I’m straddling him on our couch. Every nerve comes alive as I feel his body responding to mine, and for the first time since everything happened, desire rushes into my blood. I push the kiss from something sweet to something far hungrier, pressing my body into Theo’s and grinding my hips down into his. He makes a soft, deep sound as his hands grip me, and I break the kiss to trail my lips along his jaw.
“I need you,” I whisper into his ear as I reach between us and graze my fingers against his hard cock. His hips jerk and he makes a harsh sound in the back of his throat, but he tenses up and stops me as I start to undo his belt. I look at him in surprise, and he seems anxious as he gives me a forced smile.
“Can we take this slowly?” I laugh and shake my head, continuing to undo his pants and swallowing the anxiety flooding the back of my throat. It’s fine, everything is fine. Theo very gently moves my hands away, and panic slices through me. “Sweetheart, I think we should talk about this, okay?” I can’t look at him, so I stare down at my hands as the happiness drains out of me.
I was worried about this, but I didn’t think it would actuallyhappen. I thought it was so unlikely that I didn’t even bring it up to my therapist. Dread starts to numb me as I climb off him, curling up into a ball and burying my face in my hands.
“Alex? What’s going on?” I focus on breathing, trying not to cry. This isn’tfair.“Honey, can youpleasetalk to me?” Theo’s voice is panicky.
“I can’t fucking believe you,” I spit, finally looking over at him to see that he’s gone pale. “I didn’t think you were a piece of shit, but I guess I waswrong.” Theo looks confused as he reaches a hand out for me, and his face becomes devastated as I flinch away from him. “Don’t you fucking touch me. I can’t believe you don’twantme because of what happened.” Once it’s out of my mouth, I can’t keep myself from sobbing.
Theo looks at me, stricken, then leans over quickly and grabs me around the waist, hauling me into his arms and holding me tightly as I try to push away from him.
“Fuck, no,” he says harshly. “That’s not…I wouldn’t…no fucking way, Alex, not a fucking chance.” I collapse into him, and he holds me closely as I cry, rubbing my back and whispering reassurances I can barely make out. Once I’ve calmed down slightly, he cups my face, gently wiping my tears away with his thumb and looking at me with concern. “I will always want you more than anything, I fuckingpromise.Nothing will ever change that, do you understand me?” I nod, the anxiety draining out of me, and I rearrange myself in his arms until I’m straddling him again, running my hands along his chest.
“I’m just worried that sexisn’t a good idea,” he says quietly. I close my eyes, trying to keep my face neutral to hide my anger. This is bullshit, and he and my therapist are both wrong. It’s fine,I’mfine,and I want to feel normal again. Ineedto feel normal again. I force myself to smile at him, trying to be reassuring as I run a hand through his hair.
