Page 183 of Perfect
“Alex, I’m not delusional anymore. I know what’s real. I know I fucked everything up, I know you hate me, and I know this is the last time I’ll ever see you.” I don’t think there’s a point in me telling her that I love her again, so I don’t.
She stares at me for a long moment before her face softens a little.
“You’re still delusional,” she mutters quietly, and I watch her closely, trying to figure out what she’s saying. “I’m so fucking angry with you, but that doesn’t mean I hate you. I mean, Idohate you a little bit right now, but not really. The only reason I even get to be mad at you is because of you and your stupid stalker bullshit,andI’m so grateful for that.” She glances down at her hands quickly, drawing in a sharp breath before looking up at me with wide, teary eyes.
“I don’t think I can ever thank you enough for saving my life,” she says, her voice quiet and warm, and the numbness is suddenly replaced by sharp, painful longing. Her breath hitches and she wraps her arms around herself, and I wish I could touch her one last time. “Theo, I…IknewI was dying, and all I couldthink about was how much I wanted to live. I was…I think I was almost gone before you showed up.” She lets out a sharp exhale and shakes her head. “I didn’t think you were going to find me, but youdid. I hate to admit it, but your stupid lie saved my life.” A small, dangerous amount of hope starts to blossom in the center of my chest, and I raise my eyebrows in surprise. She shrugs, turning away from me.
“I still can’t believe you didn’t tell me you put that fucking thing in me. You hadso manychances.” I cringe and she takes a deep breath, still not looking at me. “Nothing would have changed for me if you’d told me about the tracker, Theo.Nothing. I still would have given you a chance. You should have believed me when I told you I wanted to love you.”
The hope withers away as she looks back at me, quickly brushing tears from her cheeks. “I hate that you lied to me, but what broke my heart was that you didn’t love me enough totrustme. I wanted you so badly, and I spent weeks and weeks trying to talk myself out of it, but you wereallI wanted the whole time. Why couldn’t you have just trusted me?” I look down at my hands as I start to feel numb again.
“I don’t…I just…” I trail off, trying to swallow down the guilt lodged in my throat. “I’m so sorry for hurting you,” I whisper. I can’t think of anything else to say. She’s quiet for a minute before she lets out a long, loose exhale. In my periphery, I see her lean further across the table towards me, but I can’t look at her anymore.
I’m tired of seeing how much I’ve hurt her.
“I forgive you.”
What the fuck did she just say?
My eyes snap up to hers, and I’m deeply confused when I see her soft, adoring expression. “I’m going to yell at you the next time we talk, though. I think I’ve earned that,” she says, the corner of her mouth quirking up.
I stare at her, my mind skipping. “What?”
She smiles at me a little. “You know I can be angry at you and still want you, right?” I stare at her mouth in confusion. Iknowthat’s a lie, so I must have missed her teeth on her lip. She studies my face as I struggle to smother the hope I’m starting to feel again, and she gives me a small, warm smile. “I don’thateyou, Teddy. I love you.” Her teeth don’t touch her lip as she speaks, and my brain shuts down entirely.
Alex looks almost amused as I stare at her.
There’s no way this is happening.
This is fuckingimpossible.
“This is real,” she whispers, and I shake my head slowly. I don’t think it’s real. I think it’s a dream, or another delusion, but I’ll take it no matter what it is. I lean over the table and reach for her, gently cupping her face in my hands as I kiss her. It’s fragile and tentative, barely even a kiss, but my entire body feels like it’s on fire when our lips meet. It’s like the feeling I had the first time I kissed her, but infinitely stronger, resonating in every nerve.
The only thing that permeates the feeling of our connection is the overwhelming certainty that it’sreal.
Alex’s hands come up to mine, her thumbs brushing softly over the skin on the inside of my wrists, and there’s no black hole inside of me anymore, there’s onlythis, there’s onlyher.She makes a soft, content noise and I lean farther into her, deepening the kiss as I chase after that small sign of her happiness.
Someone whistles and a guard yells at me, telling me to let her go, but I can’t.
I’m not letting go of her ever again.
Alex gently pulls my hands away and breaks the kiss, pouting just a little as she looks at the guard. I’m so shocked that I can’t say anything, so I just stare at her as I sit back down. She stares back, her light brown eyes brimming with tears, and Ican feel our connection humming between us, deeper and more complete than it’s ever been.
She smiles at me again, tapping my foot with hers, and I trap one of her ankles between mine, desperate to hold her in any way that I can. She huffs out a soft laugh and I have no idea how to react besides grinning at her like a fucking idiot, which is precisely what I do.
She reaches up to wipe tears from her face and I can see scars from the handcuffs peeking out from her sleeve, which instantly grounds me. This might be real, but I still fucked everything up. I’m in jail, I’m probably headed back to prison, Alex has been through something unimaginable, and it’s all my fault.
Wait, why the fuck does she still love me?
“Visitors, time to go!” I stand up quickly to help Alex up. I don’t know how much pain she’s in, so I keep my touch light as I pull her close as gently as I can, every point of contact between us burning. Alex leans into me, her hands coming up to the sides of my face and her thumbs grazing over my temples as she pulls me down towards her.
“I love you,” she whispers against my lips. “You’remine.” I feel dizzy when she kisses me. The guard snaps at us and I reluctantly let her go, holding on to any part of her as long as I can before she leaves.
***
I call Elise the second I’m allowed to use the phone and start talking rapidly, letting her know that I refuse to take the ten year plea deal she’s been negotiating, that under no circumstances can I go back to prison, that she needs to do whatever she can to get me the fuck out of here immediately, and that they can take me off suicide watch now.
Elise is quiet for a second, then laughs softly. “Would you be surprised if I told you I had a similar conversation with Alex about an hour and a half ago?” I can’t help the manic laughter that spills out of me.
