Page 181 of Perfect
I can’t believe I didn’t see how miserable he was.
He wasn’t delusional this time, either. He knew he was doing something wrong,knewhe was betraying my trust, and he did it anyway. I think about how he acted that morning, how stressed he was, the way he held me tight and told me he was sorry, how he promised that he’d make it up to me while he fucked me.
I thought he was talking about things that hadhappened, not things that werehappening.
My heart breaks a little more, and I set the polaroid face down on the counter. I should have known better than to let him in. Ididknow better, but I chose him anyway because I’m a fucking idiot.
I grab a bottle of wine and head into the bathroom to draw myself a bath.
I’ve felt enough pain today.
I’ve felt enough pain for the rest of my life.
***
I’m terrified to walkanywhere, so I mostly stay in my apartment. I have a hard time eating, but I’m mostly able to keep from drinking like I used to because of the Xanax and the antidepressants they prescribed me in the hospital. I want to avoid my feelings, but it’s hard to do, so I lie in bed and reckon with them the way I did in the hospital.
After a week at home, I cook for myself for the first time in a year. It’s just pasta, and I barely eat it, but it feels good.
It feels like afuck youto Danny.
Bailey comes by every day for the first two weeks, spending time with me and bringing food and taking me anywhere I need to go. She brings me over to her place for dinner as often as I’ll let her, and Dylan pulls me aside and lets me know that he and Bailey have an extra room, and I can stay with them for as long as I need. Miles, who doesn’t understand what happened, occasionally asks me if I’m still sick.
Catherine and Suzie frequently stop by my apartment after work, and Suzie’s the first to realize that I haven’t left the house on my own since I got home. Two weeks after I get home, she offers to go on a walk with me, and I refuse until she pulls a small gun out of her purse and tells me nothing bad will happen to me. I look at her, surprised, and she pulls me into a brief hug before she shepherds me out of the house. We start going on walks to Shively Park every time she comes over, and after another two weeks, I make the walk by myself.
I cry the whole time, but I still do it.
Anna and Jessica come over on Tuesdays instead of going to trivia, and we order takeout and watch dumb TV together, keeping our conversations light and easy. Jessica ragging on a dating show as though nothing happened to me lets me feelalmost normal for a little while, but I don’t miss the concerned looks she and Anna occasionally shoot at me.
No one asks me about Theo, but I can tell they all want to.
***
I know I have to talk to Theo before I can make a decision about him, so I call Elise and ask her to help me register to visit the jail without him knowing. I tell her I have no idea how our conversation will go, but since she’ll have to deal with the fallout, I tell her she should be prepared for the worst.
I certainly am.
54
THEO
MAY 17
I don’t know what day it is when I’m called to the visitation room, but I saw Dr. Mills two days ago, so it’s probably Elise coming to ask about the plea deal. When I’m led to the public visitation room instead of the private one, I assume it’s Catherine or Bailey, who both visited when I first arrived.
I freeze the second I enter the room, and everything else disappears instantly.
It’s Alex.
It’s been two and a half months since I’ve seen her, and she’s so fucking beautiful, but she looksterrible.She’s in a dark green dress with long sleeves, but it’s too loose on her. She’s noticeably thinner and worryingly pale with dark circles under her eyes.Her nose is slightly crooked now, and the scar across the bridge is still a swollen dark pink. Her roots have grown out and her nails are all bitten to the quick, and she looks beyond exhausted.
I don’t know why she’s here, but she’shere.
She tenses up the second she sees me, but I can’t understand her expression at all. Her face is blank, but her gaze is sharp and exacting as I walk towards her slowly. We sit there, staring at each other for a long time, and hopeless longing churns in my stomach.
I know what I want to say to her if she gives me the chance, but she probably won’t. I have no idea what she wants to say to me, but I know it won’t be good. I don’t think either of us know how to start, so I wait for her to talk first, mostly so I can enjoy the last few minutes I get in her presence before she destroys me.
“You’re not a shitty liar after all,” she says finally, her voice as flat and indecipherable as her expression.
