Page 167 of Perfect
“Theodore,” she asks hesitantly, “can I ask you if you think you’re capable of loving Alex?” I snap my head up and glare at her.
“How fuckingdareyou?” Dr. Mills frowns and holds up her hands in a placating gesture.
“I’m not questioning yourfeelingsfor Alex, I’m asking if you think you have a genuine understanding of what love is,” she says, her voice calm and gentle.
“What the fuck kind of question is that? Of course I do.” She blinks and purses her lips, and anger courses through me.
“Are you familiar with bell hooks at all?” I shake my head, and Dr. Mills’s eyebrows raise slightly, as if to indicate she’s not surprised. “She proposed a definition of love that goes beyond sex and desire – one that’s based in care, respect, trust, and honesty. Importantly, she makes the point that love and abuse can’t coexist. She said that most people will cling to a false notion of love that makes abuse acceptable, because embracing a definition of love without abuse would mean people may need to accept that love wasn’t present in their families.” My knee bounces faster as I stare at Dr. Mills, her words ricocheting around in my brain. “What do you think about that?” She watches me patiently as I process what she’s saying.
I get angrier the longer I think about it.
“What the fuck are you trying to say to me?” Dr. Mills sighs a little and leans forward in her chair, speaking gently.
“From what you’ve told me, I’m not sure you had real love modeled to you, so I’m not sure you know what it feels like.” I’m instantly nauseous and much angrier. “I know you care very deeply for Alex, but do you think you can love her by the definition I’ve provided?”
“Idolove Alex,” I snap.
“You said earlier that, by her own definition, Alexcan’tlove you because you’re lying to her and manipulating her, right? How is the inverse not true?” Panic tightens every muscle in my body.
“You’re fucking wrong.” Actually, shemighthave a point, and I hate her for it.
“Do you think Alex wants to be in another relationship where she isn’t treated well?”
“Don’t you dare compare me to her piece of shit husband,” I spit at her. “I’m not a pedophile, or a cop, or a wifebeater. All I did waslieto her.”
Amonglotsof other things.
“I think you’re missing my point, Theodore. Don’t you think Alex’s husband believed he loved her? I’m sure he tried to fix things with her at one point or another.” I shoot her a warning look, and she gives me a piteous frown. “People don’t always want to acknowledge the way they abuse others, especially if they believe they love them.” My eyes widen, and Dr. Mills raises her eyebrows at me and says nothing.
I stare at her for a long moment, a low, angry buzzing starting in the back of my brain, the edges of my vision getting red.
Oh,shit. I need to get out of here,right now.
I shoot up out of my chair and grab my coat.
“Theodore, please sit down.” I take a step towards her, bending down quickly and getting in her face. Dr. Mills leans back in her chair, her eyes widening in fear.
“Fuck. You.” I storm out of the room before I lose my shit. I won’t do that, no matter how much I hate her.
I’m only this angry because she has a point.
I throw myself into the car and try hard to keep myself from having a panic attack, try to regulate my breathing, try to figure out what the fuck I’m supposed to do now.
Goddammit, I know what I have to do.
Dr. Mills might have a point, but she’s fucking wrong about me. She has no idea how much I love Alex. All I want is to make her happy, and to do that, I have to give her back all her options, which is what I should have done in the first place.
I’m going to go home, pull her out of work, tell her about the tracker, take it out, relentlessly apologize, and fucking beg her to stay. She’ll probably never forgive me, but I love her enough to tell her the truth, and I’m miserable enough about lying to her that killing myself will be a fucking relief if she leaves me.
Still, she might forgive me. She might even understand why I lied in the first place and give me another chance. I don’t deserve it, and I don’t deserveher, but maybe she sees it differently. She spent all morning telling me how much she loves me and how wonderful she thinks I am.
She’sthe fucking delusional one now, but that might work in my favor here.
I call Alex the second I’m on the road, but she’s not answering because she’s at her stupid fucking Pilates class.
I know she’ll be done soon, but I keep calling her anyway, texting her between unanswered calls, getting progressively more upset the longer she doesn’t respond.
I need to talk to her, need to hear her voice, need to tell her I love her and hear her say it back one more time before I ruin everything.
