Page 148 of Perfect
“Ireallywant to be in this relationship with you.” She smirks at me. “You just want to hear me say you’re my boyfriend again, right?” I shrug, smiling sheepishly, and she laughs at me. “You’re my fucking boyfriend, Theo.” I laugh weakly, sucking in a breath as she sips her wine.
Okay, here goes.
“When we were having sex, were you trying to tell me that you love me?” She spits her wine out in surprise, covering her mouth in horror. I laugh, handing her a towel, watching her face flush a bright red as she dabs at the stains on my shirt.
She takes a deep breath, exhaling quickly, looking distressed. “Um, I tried, but I couldn’t say it.” Panic grips me and my brain starts running sideways and in reverse, second-guessing everything about what happened. I try to breathe, but my chest feels too tight.
“I didn’t expect you to say it back,” I say quickly. “I couldn’t help it, but you already know how I feel about you. Please don’t say it if you don’t mean it. I don’t want you to lie to me, especially not about that.” She cocks her head to the side, giving me a fond, slightly sad smile.
“Oh, baby, that’s not what’s happening. I think I just got overwhelmed because I felt sohappy and connected to you.” My brain speeds up to the point that it shuts down entirely, leaving me standing there staring at Alex like a fucking idiot. She frowns and slips off the counter, standing before me, her hands gripping my shoulders and pulling me towards her.
“Theo, this isn’t a delusion, okay? This is real. I have the option to be here, and I want to be here. I have the option to love you now, and I do.” A sharp thrill runs down my spine at her words, and she kisses me quickly, pulling back to look at me with a vulnerable and tender expression. “I love you so fucking much, Teddy.” She smiles up at me, and it’s the first time I’ve seen her so happy and unguarded, so genuinely joyful. Her smile looks like it did in the photos of her before her parents died, but broader, sweeter, and infinitely warmer.
I take her face in my hands and kiss her, and a slick slide of guilt in my stomach ruins the best moment of my life.
I don’t want to keep lying to her.
I should tell her about the tracker, but I can’t because I’m a weak, selfish asshole who just got everything I ever fucking wanted. She’s here, she loves me, and she’s so fucking happy right now, so there’s no way I’m ruining this for myself. Instead of telling her about the tracker, I tell her I love her over and over while I make love to her on the kitchen counter. She wraps herself around me and looks at me with an open, adoring expression as she talks constantly between kisses, telling me that she’s mine, that she loves me, that she’s so happy this ishappening, and every whisperedI love youthat pours out of her fills a space inside of me that’s always been empty.
Being loved by Alex makes me feel completely whole for the first time in my life.
There’s no fucking way I’m giving this up.
I shut everything else out and stay in the feeling with her all night. Food tastes better, her laugh sounds like music, every smile is a gift, her kisses make me feel like I’m burning from the inside out, the slow, passionate sex is the closest thing I’ve ever had to a spiritual experience, and beneath everything is the constant hum of our connection resonating between us.
It’s the best night of my fucking life.
I’m able to stay in the feeling as we lie there, talking softly until she falls asleep in my arms, and then it slowly fades away, the familiar emptiness returning. I wait until I’m sure she’s asleep before I slip out of bed and head down to the basement, where I sprint on the treadmill to keep from freaking the fuck out.
It’s fine. As long as she doesn’t find out I’m lying, I can fix this and keep her forever. All I need to do is remove the tracker, which will make this whole problem disappear. I just need to focus on the fact that she’s here, even though I’m a massive fucking asshole, and that she wants to be with me, despite the warnings of my concerned therapist, and that shelovesme, even though I don’t deserve it.
It’ll all be fine.
I’ll take out the tracker and tell her about it when our relationship isn’t so new, like in a few years when we’re married and have kids. She’ll be mad at me, but she won’t want to leave at that point. She’ll know how happy I can make her, and she’ll let me spend the rest of our lives making it up to her.
I’m not going to fuck this up again.
Ican’tfuck this up again, because I won’t get another chance with her.
I don’t even deserve the chance she gave me, but Alex gave it to me anyway because she’s a kind, wonderful, forgiving person who I don’t remotely deserve.
That’s real. That’s not a delusion. I know that for a fact.
45
ALEX
FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 23
Alex, 9:45 AM:
baby you need to stop
Theo, 9:46 AM:
Indulge me.
we’ve talked about the gifts thing
