Page 135 of Perfect
I need to start preparing to kill Danny.
I need to write Alex a letter, explaining how sorry I am and how much I love her.
I’ll do all of that while I wait for her to break my heart, which she will.
41
ALEX
WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 27
Waking up the next day feels like a dream. I walk to work, still unsure of my new reality, but it feels real once I see Theo waiting at my office to take the cameras out.
He looksmiserable,which he should, and he brought me breakfast, which I only accept because he seems so miserable. He takes the cameras out, shows me the camera feeds are off on his phone, and leaves. Once he texts me with proof that the cameras are out of the rec center, I go to yoga and relax fully for the first time in months.
After work, I walk home, but he’snowhere.
My life is just for me again.
It’s fuckingawesome.
Everyone can tell I’m in a good mood, and I try not to let it bother me when Bailey asks about Theo. I answer vaguely and turn the conversation away from him.
When I get home, I take all the presents he’s ever given me and put them in bags under my bed and ignore them. I've run out of the food he bought, so I go grocery shopping for myself. I don’t cook dinner, and I enjoy eating canned tuna directly from the tin without being questioned.
I spend the night painting a big, abstract canvas in warm colors, and when I prop it up to dry, I notice the small painting of Theo reading, which also goes under the bed.
The next day, I chat with some of the regulars at my dance fitness class, just because I’m in a good mood and I can. I get dinner at a brewery I haven’t tried and walk home slightly drunk. I pull up the stupid Purple Ribbon Yoga video and recite the long-abandoned affirmations to myself. I masturbate successfully for the first time in months, and I don’t think of Theo once.
I spend the rest of the night masturbating, thrilled to have control over my body back.
On Friday, I babysit Miles, and we play dinosaurs, hang out on the couch together with Biscuit, and watch cartoons. Bailey drives me home, and I stay up late, drink a bottle of wine, put on a face mask, and watch a dumb movie just because my time is my own.
I take the bus to Portland on Saturday, and since Theo’s not hovering over me, trying to see what I like or don’t like, I go shopping and buy myself whatever I want as a treat for being free again. I see whatever movie I want, since I’m the only person I have to consider when I choose the movie. There’s no leg bouncing out of boredom next to me, and no one reminds me it’s not real butter that they pour on my popcorn.
Anna, Jessica, and I get brunch on Sunday, and I finally feel like I can start being more open about myself and my feelings because Theo’s not hanging around, trying to listen. I deflect when they ask about him, being as vague as possible without seeming suspicious. After brunch, I swing by a stationary store downtown and buy a planner for the new year, almost crying when there’s no blocky handwriting in red ink anywhere in my new planner.
I go to Bailey’s for New Year’s Eve and tell everyone that Theo is sick when they ask about him, and then I don’t mention him again. I get drunk on champagne and walk home drunk, open another bottle of champagne, play loud music, and dance around my apartment. No one freaks out about my safety, or criticizes my music, or asks why I’m getting shitfaced, or makes a stupid little concerned face when I fall on my ass.
I show up to work the next dayveryhungover, and no one texts me to ask me if I’m feeling okay or shows up with lunch, ibuprofen, and a disapproving look.
My life is back in my hands, and I focus on how amazing it feels to be in control again.
I work hard to ignore any of the other feelings I’m having.
I go to trivia on Tuesday, and I run into Ben for the first time since Theo beat the shit out of him. Anna and I ignore him, mostly talking to each other and Zach. Ben seems nervous, looking around occasionally, but Theo’s nowhere to be seen. He doesn’t text me or show up at the bar or at my house after. I’m almost disappointed, but I become elated when I realize that it means he actually isn’t following me or watching me.
I go out to a wine bar with Bailey on Wednesday, thrilled I have so much time to socialize. After work on Thursday, I go to the small bookstore downtown and pick up a used copy of a self-help book about shame and vulnerability that Bailey recommended.
I reread the section on numbing yourself to keep from being vulnerable twice.
On Saturday, I go to the beach and paint, and I allow myself to think about Theo. When I get home, I spend hours writing out color-coded pros and cons lists of reasons why I should or shouldn’t give him a chance, and every list has more red ink than green. All the evidence points to Theo being a bad fucking idea, and I try to convince myself that should be enough for me to make the right choice about him.
The next morning, I go on a long run along the waterfront, not used to running alone anymore. I walk back to my place slowly, and I finally stop ignoring the feeling I’ve been shoving down since I got back from Yachats. I look at the pros and cons lists, but they don’t cover everything, so I throw them all out and start over, using a third column to list how I feel about him.
I know how I feel about him and the fucked-up mess he made of my life, but I don’t know what to do about it. I want to give myself the time to fully consider every option, so I let myself think about it for another week. I go through my routine, go to work, see my friends, but in the back of my head is a constant churn of what to do about Theo.
The next Sunday, I think I’m finally ready to see him, but I know I need to make up my mind before I talk to him. I spend my entire run trying to decide what to do, but by the time I get to his house, I'm still unsure.
