Page 131 of Perfect
“Uh, yeah, pretty much.” A sharp laugh escapes her, and she shakes her head slowly.
“Are you fucking joking?”
“No. I want this to be real, and I’ll do fucking anything to make that happen. Iknowyou’re going to say no, but I need to try. I can’t help it, I really can’t. I just need to try.” She looks at me over her shoulder and gives me a strange, conflicted look before sighing heavily and turning back to the food.
“Why try if you know I’m going to say no?”
“Because I love you, Alex.” She makes a sharp little inhale as she flips the next two pieces of French toast out of the pan. She takes her time soaking more pieces of bread before putting them into the pan, turning away from the stove to start slicing a banana at a glacial pace.
It feels like the oxygen is being slowly sucked out of the room as I wait for her to respond.
“I kind of figured that out when you didn’t snap my fucking neck,” she says quietly. Dread lances through me, and I repeatedly run my hands through my hair, trying not to panic. She’s going to say no, and she absolutely should say no if that’s what she thinks happened.
I watch her chop walnuts into fine pieces, my gaze landing in the space between her shoulder blades. I need to take that tracker out of her no matter what she says to my asinine, delusional fucking request.
She’ll say no, and I know I won’t be able to deal with her saying no. There’s no fucking way I’ll ever leave her alone if left to my own devices. The only way I’ll be able to stay away from her is to go back to prison.
Either that, or I’ll kill myself, which seems like the more appealing option.
I’ll go to Boston and kill Danny either way as an apology, so she can get her life back, so I can make him fucking pay for how badly he hurt her, so I can make sure he won’t ever hurt her again. If I kill him and then myself, I can fix two problemsfor her, but if I kill him and go back to prison, she could always choose to come see me, which she probably wouldn’t.
When she finally speaks again, she’s turned away from me so I can’t see her face, but I can hear the wariness and frustration in her voice.
“You’re seriously asking me for a chance to fix this fucked up situationyoumade?”
“I’mbeggingyou.”
“Do you honestly think that giving me a choice now will fix everything?”
“Uh, probably not.”
“Itwon’t,” she snaps.
“I want to try anyway. Please.”
She shakes her head, flipping the toast. “Theo, you’re asking for something impossible here.”
“I know that.”
“You don’t evendeservea chance after what you did.” It feels like she’s lodged a knife in my gut.
“Believe me, I know.”
“If I say no, you’ll leave me alone?”
“Yes,” I choke out.
“You think you couldactuallyleave me alone?” My heart plummets. She’s going to say no.
“I’ll make sure of it, I promise.” One way or another.
She slides the last pieces of toast out of the pan and turns off the stovetop before walking over to me, crossing her arms and frowning up at me.
“You know you’re delusional to evenaskfor this, right? I think you mightactuallybe insane.” I shrug. She’s probably right. She gives me a hard stare, searching my face for something, but I don’t know what.
She’s slipping further out of my grasp, so I focus on memorizing her face. She’s so angry and sad, and I know that’s partially my fault, and I want to undo that.
She should get a choice, and she should be able to say no, but I’m such a selfish fuck that I want her to say yes. I want to give her life back, but I want her to share that life with me. I want to give her a choice, but I want her to choose me. I want to give her what she wants, but I want to be what she wants. I love her, and I am so desperate for her to love me back that I would do anything she asks. I know shecouldwant me. She doesn’t, but shecould.She’ll say no, and then I’ll kill Danny and then figure out what to do with myself.
