Page 125 of Perfect
“I’m yours,” Theo says, his voice tender and adoring. I tuck my face against his neck because I can’t look at him. I know what I’ll see on his face, but I can’t see it.
I can’t let him see how I feel, either.
I pull off him and lie down on the couch, pulling him on top of me and begging him to fuck me. He’ll fuck me hard, and it’ll just be sex, and then I’ll get that hazy, warm feeling he gives me, and I’ll have the fantasy back.
Theo starts to make love to me instead, cupping my face in his hand as he kisses me sweetly. I know I need to keep my eyes closed, otherwise I’m beyond fucked.
“Sweetheart, please look at me,” he begs, and I do because I’m stupid. He’s got that look on his face, the one he’s beengiving me all weekend, for much longer, and I see how he feels, and I want to cry.
We’re telling ourselves two different versions of the same lie right now. Both of us want the fantasy, both of us want what we can’t have, but the only difference is that I don’t get to believe it’s real.
I try to focus on the sex, focus on separating my body from my feelings, but it’s not working. Instead, I’m feeling everything all at once, and I can’t get rid of the feeling, can’t ignore it anymore. It’s suffocating me.
The sex was supposed to make it better and let me sink deeper into the fantasy, but it only made the reality worse.
It’s been so good with Theo lately, especially today. It’s been a perfect day, the kind of day I want to build my life around. A wave of longing chokes me as the reality of the situation comes rushing in hard on its heels, overwhelming me.
For the first time in a long time, I’mloved, but I don’t get to have it or return it because I don’t have the option to. Theo ruined it, just like he’s ruined everything else. He’s taken everything away from me, leaving only him, and I can’t even have him now that I want him.
Something in his face changes, and he’s less and more and different and the same, entirely vulnerable with me for maybe the first time ever. Something raw and electric courses through me as I look at him, and I know what’s coming, and I know I can’t handle it.
I can’t handle any of this anymore.
I’d rather die.
“Alex?”
38
THEO
TUESDAY, DECEMBER 26
This is the happiest I’ve ever been in my life.
The storm howling outside sounds so soothing from the couch, and the dim firelight illuminates Alex, warm and soft and perfect beneath me. We’re so fucking connected right now. I know she’s still scared, but I can see how she feels when she looks up at me.
She loves me, too.
“Alex?” My voice is barely audible, and I can see on her face that she knows what I’m going to say. Her eyes go wide and tear up, and she starts sobbing. For a split second, I’m thrilled she’s so overwhelmed with happiness, but I go cold when I realize she’s not crying tears of joy. I pull out of her and hold her close,shushing her, touching her, trying to soothe her and ignore the panic I’m feeling.
This can’t be her reaction. She’s a fuckingwreck.
“Sweetheart, what’s wrong?” She buries her face in her hands and sobs, her body heaving in my arms. She hasn’t cried like this in a while, maybe ever.
Shelovesme, I know she does, so there has to be something else going on.
It takes her a long time, but eventually she calms down enough to take a few deep breaths, pulling out of my arms and facing me. I reach for her immediately, but she backs away.
“Honey, what’s going on?” She looks at me with a devastated expression and shakes her head, wiping her cheeks. “Pleasetalk to me. What happened? Everything was going so perfectly.” I wince at how desperate I sound, but Alex doesn’t seem to notice. She just stares at me, her bottom lip trembling.
“That’s the problem, Theo,” she whispers. “Everything going perfectly is making me fucking miserable.” Ice courses through my blood. That can’t be true. She finally adjusted to our relationship, and she’s been so happy since then.
She’snotmiserable, she’s just not.
“I don’t understand.” She sighs and looks into the fire, chewing on her bottom lip and crying softly. She seems torn about what she wants to say, opening her mouth and closing it several times, but eventually, she closes her eyes, nods to herself, and takes a deep breath.
She seems like she’s steeling herself for something, which makes me nervous.
