Page 4 of Perfect
I can be there tomorrow, and I can start work on Monday.
With the knowledge that the job is actually happening and I’m not completely screwed anymore, I spend the day buying clothes that I think will be good for an office job. I still have no idea what I like to wear and figuring it out is overwhelming. I drift from store to store, getting used to only thinking about myself when I pick things out.
That night, when I lay out all the clothes I bought on my hotel bed, I realize with a pang of grief that everything I bought reminds me of the clothes my mother liked to wear.
***
The next morning, I pack my few belongings into my new suitcase, check out of the hotel, and take the bus to Astoria to pick up the keys from Suzie’s office.
Cairn & Reed is a small, converted house a few blocks from the quaint downtown. Suzie introduces me to her partner, Catherine, a woman in her early fifties with salt and pepper hair piled on top of her head artfully, and their paralegal, Bailey, a woman in her late thirties with a mass of curly black hair and bright red nails.
They’re kind and welcoming, and I wonder how much Suzie has told them about me. Not much, most likely, because I avoided talking about myself as much as possible, but it’s entirely possible they know about my situation.
I hope not.
Suzie leads me out to her car, her blue and gold license plate proclaiming Oregon as a “PACIFIC WONDERLAND,” and she drives me to a small, crumbling Victorian on the south side of town. She lets herself in and I trail behind her up the narrow stairs, grimacing at the peeling wallpaper and faint smell of dampness as we approach a small landing on the third floor.
She opens the door to the apartment, making a quiet, displeased noise as she shows me inside the converted attic. It’s old and drafty, with sloping ceilings and paper-thin walls covered in cracking plaster. The shallow, stained laminate breakfast bar juts out of the tiny kitchen into the small living space, and the hardwood floors are scratched and unpolished.The cramped bedroom won’t fit a queen-sized bed easily, and the ensuite bathroom has a tiny, stained porcelain tub.
Suzie looks at me, seeming embarrassed, and I keep my face neutral as I survey the absolute shithole I’m about to live in.
“I’m so sorry about this, Alex. I promise that Rogerdidsay it was nicer than this.” I shake my head at her, smiling a little too widely.
“It’s great. I don’t need much, Suzie, just something that’s mine.” She gives me a tight, understanding smile and lets out a long sigh.
“Well, the rent’s $750 a month, although that seems extremely steep to me now. It’s due on the first of the month, and you can leave your rent in the mail slot of the first-floor apartment. Roger lives there, but he’s a long-haul driver, so he’s not home that often. The second floor is a vacation rental, so you might have strangers in and out, but based on your apartment, I’m going to hazard a guess that it’s not the nicest rental around, so I’m not sure how often you’ll have people there. I think Roger said the laundry is in the basement.” Tears prick at my eyes, and I look away briefly as I blink them away.
“Suzie, I really can’t thank you enough. I don’t know what I’d do without this.”
“I’m happy to help. Lord knows I could have used it, once.” I raise my eyebrows at her, and she gives me a tight smile. “I’ll see you on Monday.” With that, she leaves me alone in my empty, shitty apartment with two sets of keys.
I look around the place I’ve ended up in, as a different person than I was, and I curl up on the floor and I cry until I feel empty.
For the first time in my life, the emptiness feels like an opportunity.
2
ALEX
MONDAY, MAY 1
“You stupid fucking bitch!” The empty wine bottle flies towards my head, and I duck out of the way just in time. I lose my balance and fall to my knees as it smashes into the wall behind me, and I can feel glass shards hitting my shoulders and back.
I wish I could take one of them and drive it into his thick fucking neck.
“I don’t know how I ended up with such a pathetic fuck up of a wife!” I look up at Danny’s face, at the hideous shade of red he turns when he’s angry, and I laugh at him. I know it’s the wrong thing to do, that it’s dangerous to provoke him, but I’m too drunk and furious to care anymore.
“Youdon’t?” My drunken, bitter laughter sounds manic. “Well,Daniel,let me fucking tell you -” I pause as I push up off the floor, steadying myself against the wall, and then I start to yell at him. I’ve never yelled at him before, but I’m so angry I can’t control myself. I don’t stop yelling when he tells me to shut up, or when he starts screaming back, or even when he charges at me and shoves me into the wall so hard my head spins. I stop briefly when he punches me in the stomach, but the rage and adrenaline coursing through my body dulls the pain, and I start yelling at him the second I can breathe again.
I only stop when I’m staring down the barrel of his loaded gun.
“If youeverspeak to me like that again, you worthless fucking cunt, I’ll put you in theground.” He grabs a fistful of my hair and shoves me down to my knees, the gun pointed at my forehead. “Apologize, Alice.Now.” I feel the cold metal of the gun touch me between the eyes, and I start to sob.
“NO!” I shout as I sit up in bed, panting heavily, my heart pounding out of my chest as I look around the room, confused. I’m not in the kitchen, I’m in bed. I look beside me, but I’m alone in the small bed in the tiny room with the cracking plaster walls, and I heave a sigh of relief.
It was just a dream.
I’m in Astoria, Danny isn’t here, and I’m still safe - for now, anyway. I flop back onto my mattress and run my hands over my face, trying to force the panic back down and ignore it.
