Page 170 of Perfect
This is all my fault. I can’t believe I fucked up this badly. I didn’t want to let Alex out of my sight this morning, and I should have paid attention to that. I should have taken more precautions to protect her, namely killing Danny the second I wanted to. I should have checked the tracker the second she didn’t answer the phone.
The fucking tracker.
Lying about it was the right thing to do.
Fuck everything Dr. Mills said to me today. Honestly, fuck everything Dr. Mills haseversaid to me. She’s a fucking idiot, and Inevershould listened to any of her bullshit in the first place. I never should have let her get in my head or make me doubt myself, especially not when it comes to Alex.
I did everything for a reason, even if I didn’t understand it at the time. I listened to my fucking impulses, and they were right,again, because Alex and I are connected. Inevershould have tried to convince myself that we weren’t connected.
Not that I tried that hard.
I’m not sorry about anything I did anymore. I was right to doallof it. Every impulse I’ve ever had about Alex feels completely rational and entirely justified now. Even my delusion feels justified, because I was absolutely right about us. Honestly, the delusion is kind ofhowwe got together, so it served a purpose.
Tight knots of guilt inside of me start to loosen and unwind as I realize that I’m not the awful person I thought I was.
Me stalking Alex isn’t wrong, or crazy, or abusive.
It’s how I show love.
Fuck trying to be a different, better person to convince Alex to love me. She loves me anyway and she needs me exactly how I am, which she’s about to realize. I know she’ll understand everything when I explain it to her, which I’ll do right after I kill Danny.
I’m going to find her, I’m going to save her, I’m going to keep that tracker in her, and I’m never letting her out of my fucking sight again. Everything is going back to the way it was. I’m putting back all the cameras, all the trackers, everything. Fuck it, I’m adding more. She can be angry with me if she wants, but it’s not like she’s going anywhere. We’ll get back to where we are right now, even if it takes us years. I’ll spend the rest of my life begging her to forgive me if I have to.
I’ll be able to, because she’ll be alive.
Unlike Danny, who will beveryfucking dead.
I’m two minutes away from her when I realize I don’t have anything with me that I can use to kill him. Not a knife, not a gun, not a screwdriver, absolutely nothing.
Whatever, fuck it. I’ll kill him with my bare hands if I have to.
50
ALEX
TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 27
The force of the blow to the side of my head sends white dots swirling across my vision, and one of my ears feels like it’s going to explode.
“You’remyfucking wife, you stupid cunt! You loveme. You need to remember how good I am to you, even though you don’t fucking deserve it.” I keep my head down and nod, forcing myself to play along instead of screaming at him.
“You’re right. I’m sorry.”
“You’resorry? Then it’s time for you to apologize.” Oh, my god, is he fucking serious? He is, apparently, because he stands in front of me and starts undoing his pants, and I can see he’s already hard.
I wish Theo were here to beat the shit out of him.
“None of the half-ass bullshit I normally get from you. You’re going to make it good.” I look up at him and see how angry he is, how resentful, how excited he is to make me do this for him.
He’s so fucking pathetic.
I roll my eyes at him before I can stop myself, and he slaps me again. My head snaps to the side, my broken nose stinging and starting to bleed again.
“Don’t you fucking disrespect me,” he spits at me. I nod my head and steel myself for what I know is coming. Danny grabs a fistful of my hair, but he doesn’t do it correctly and it hurts. I gasp in pain, and he shoves his cock into my open mouth. I can taste the blood from my broken nose start to mix in with the saliva as he starts to use me.
I close my eyes and focus on breathing. I just need to get through this for a few days. We’ll go back to Boston tomorrow, and then Theo will show up. Knowing him, he’s already freaking out that I’m not answering my phone. I’m sure the girls at the office will call him when I don’t come back, and he’ll figure out what happened and start driving to Boston immediately. He might even get there before us.
Danny starts screaming at me, berating me for what a stupid fuck up I am. That was the worst part in the past because I believed what he was saying. Now, I don’t listen to him – I just breathe and zone out and try to get through it, but it’s hard because he’s being so much rougher than usual. He keeps pulling my head back and slapping me, and I can’t help but start crying from how bad my nose hurts, and he hits me for that, too.
