Page 142 of Perfect
After that conversation, it gets easier to talk about things. Both of us struggle to be open, but we work hard to answer questions honestly and to volunteer information, and being vulnerable with each other starts to feel good. On top of that, we get back to just enjoying each other’s company, and things start to feel real between us.
We agree not to go out more than three times a week, besides running on Sundays, and the more comfortable we get together, the more Theo starts asking me about my days in minute detail. He acts casual when he asks, trying not to make it obvious how much he misses stalking me.
It’sveryobvious.
I start to feel calmer, more in control of myself and my life as time goes on. Being in control is good for me, and I’m able to emotionally invest so much more because of it. It’s my choice to go slowly with him, to make sure he’s proving himself to me, but I miss what we had.
I miss spending days on end with him. I miss his constant, overwhelming amounts of affection. I miss him showing up randomly when I’m not expecting him. I miss the fridge full of homemade food and coming home to him when he shouldn’t be there. I miss the weird, unexpected texts about what I’m doing in the moments we’re not together.
I’m horrified once I realize I kind of miss the stalking, too.
I don’t tell Theo.
Over the weeks, Theo’s mood seems to pick up and even out. He seems less anxious and more sure of himself, and I see more and more flashes of the Theo I know. He second-guesses himself more and seems unsure if things are what they are occasionally, but he starts to feel more secure in what’s happening between us.
I think the therapy is helping, even though I know he’s only trying because I’ve asked him to.
He really doesn't like his therapist.
He also doesn’t seem to like himself.
That makes one of us.
Because my biggest demand of him is honesty, and we’re talking so much, I’m getting to know Theo on a deeper level. He’s not great at being vulnerable, but he tries hard to let me allthe way in. He’s got so many fucking issues, but he’s genuinely a sweet, caring person at his core. The more I learn about him, the more sense he makes to me, and every time I look at him, I see a depth that I didn’t see before.
I let Theo get to know me, too. He made alotof assumptions about my life based on stalking me and what information he could find online. While he wasn’t entirely off base, he never really knew everything, either. I get to tell him whole, messy truths about my life and let him see the parts of myself I tried to hide from him. The more he gets to know me, the more it feels like he sees me as less of an idea and more as a person, and he loves me all the more for it.
For the first time in my life, I don’t feel like I have to do anything to earn the love I’m receiving. It gets harder for me to ignore and push down and manage my feelings about him, so I stop trying.
After that, it’s hard to go slowly.
***
Alex, 10:03 AM:
no gifts! no valentines day!
Theo, 10:05 AM:
Flowers aren’t technically gifts.
And they have nothing to do with Valentine’s Day.
i love them
thank you
I hope you have a good day, sweetheart.
After a lonely day and a lonelier night with a bottle of wine and my vibrator, I take a photo of myself for the first time, making sure not to get my face.
Theo, 11:50 PM:
When I get my fucking hands on you, you won’t walk for a week.
Alex, 11:51 PM:
sexting counts as sex
