Page 141 of Perfect
anything?
Whatever you want.
oysters from the place on the pier?
Fuck yes.
Pick you up after work.
It feels normal. Not normal for us, but what normal dating is supposed to feel like.
***
On Saturday, we drive out to the beach and walk up the shore, not talking, but our silence is comfortable again. We sit up on a dune and watch the waves come in, the wreck of theIredalevisible down the beach. It’s cold and rainy, so I sit close and lean into Theo, and I can feel his arm jerk against mine as he keeps himself from wrapping it around me.
“How are you feeling?”
He snorts and shakes his head. “I have no idea. Not great.” I slip my hand into his, interlocking our fingers and squeezing his hand.
“How are you feeling aboutthis?” He grips my hand tightly, not looking at me.
“I don’t know. I’m so grateful and excited, but I’m stressed and confused, and I feel so fucking guilty all the time. Mostly I’m just terrified that I’m going to fuck it up or hurt you again. I’m really worried that you don’t want to be here, or that it’s unhealthy for you to be with me, which is probably what Dr. Mills thinks.” He runs his hand through his hair quickly and huffs out an angry breath.
I pull his face towards me, and I can tell he’s searching for any indication of how I’m feeling, so I smile softly at him, rubbing my thumb over his cheekbone.
“Well,Ifeel good about this so far,” I say as I lean in to kiss him. He makes a soft noise and kisses me back but doesn’t move, letting me set the pace of the kiss. I can tell he wants more, and I can feel him holding himself back, and I grin against his lips.
He’s trying so hard.
“I feel really good about it, honestly,” I say, kissing him again. “I feel really good aboutyou.” Theo’s smile is small and fragile, but it reaches his eyes, and I don’t think he can help how he melts into me, wrapping his other arm around my waist and pulling me closer. He looks down at me, and I can tell he’s unsure, but I’m starting to see that means he’s thinking about me, and warmth spreads through me.
I like that I’m the one in control now, and I like making him feel good.
I likehim, even like this.
***
Outside of our dates, we start running together again on Sundays, even though it’s usually pouring. We always end our runs at the coffee shop by my work, which I find out Theo started frequenting when he was following me. When I make a joke about him stalking me, he gets so upset that he leaves immediately, and I bring him his coffee and a pastry, and we end up sitting on his porch and talking for hours about everything that happened between us.
We’re both completely honest, and Theo has a panic attack when we talk about the first few times we had sex. He swears he’snevermaking coq a vin again, and I have to hide my disappointment, mostly because I want to reinforce him having boundaries, even if they’re boundaries I don’t like.
The more we talk, the more I get to see what his perspective was from inside the delusion. I had a decent understanding of what his delusion was from pushing to find the limits, but it wassoreal to him. His justifications for his behavior are almost well-intentioned, and his understanding and interpretation of my behavior was so off base, but not entirely. I feel so much softertowards him after hearing his side, knowing that he always genuinely cared about me in his own insane way.
Knowing that makes me less nervous about us making this work.
When we talk about his behavior, there are things Theo can accept and take accountability for, and things he can’t. He feels terrible about scaring me, about triggering me, about making me feel like I’d lost control of my life, about anything that made me feel bad, and he takes accountability and apologizes profusely.
He knows he shouldn’t have stalked me or broken into my apartment, and he does apologize, but his apologies seem so pale in comparison to how he apologized for hurting me that I don’t think he feels bad about any of it.
He getsexceptionallycagey and evasive when I try to address his stalking impulses, and he won’t give me a straight answer on how many people he’s stalked besides Ashley and I, so I drop it.
He’ll have to tell me eventually, though.
The only thing he can’t seem to accept as part of the delusion is the connection he thinks we have. He tells me he logically recognizes it’s most likely delusional, but he explicitly avoids answering whether he thinks we’re connected. I drop that, too.
It’s delusional, but it wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world if it were true.
***
