Page 13 of Perfect
“No, I still barely know anyone here. I thought I could make some friends,” I say, trying not to sound as pathetic as I feel. I haven’t had friends in so long, and I want to be more social now that my life feels established. I was always friends with Danny’s coworkers’ wives, but I couldn’t be myself with them, so I don’t think that counts.
Bailey is the closest thing I’ve had to a real friend in almost ten years.
“Friends,right,” she says, rolling her eyes. “I had those before Dylan knocked me up and moved me out here to be close to his sister. He just wanted me all to himself.” She laughs, pulling her curly black hair into a bun, and I force a smile. I know she’s exaggerating - Bailey is close with her sister-in-law, has a standing monthly girls’ night with her college friends back in Portland, and has a best friend in Seattle whose life is so chaotic that everyone in the office occasionally gets long-winded updates about her over coffee - but even the idea of being kept isolated like that makes me anxious.
“Well, at least Miles is good company?” She laughs, making a face.
“He’s okay. If you ever want the company of my spoiled toddler, let me know. We pay top dollar for good babysitting.”
I smile, spearing a tomato. “Sure. I used to babysit all the time, actually. I make killer mac and cheese, I’m a nut about flossing, and I don’t pay attention to bedtimes on weekends.”
Bailey laughs and shoots me an interested look. “You got lots of nieces and nephews or something?” Danny did, but I shouldn’t tell her that. I shouldn’t be telling anyone anything too personal, which might make having friends hard, now that I think about it.
“Oh, uh, friends with kids. Back home. In Maine.”
Bailey shrugs. “Well, if you’re serious, I’dlovea date night.”
***
I didn’t look into trivia at all before heading there after work, which might have been a mistake. I didn’t realize there were teams, or that you couldn’t play without a team of at least two, or that there was a two-drink minimum.
I take a deep breath and push down the anxiety. I’m determined to try something new, so I tap the shoulder of a tall blonde girl around my age and ask her who runs the trivia, explaining that I’m here alone and hoping to find a team. I want to die of embarrassment, but she’s sweet and tells me I can join her team.
She introduces herself as Anna, and I sit with her and a few of her coworkers, who are all around my age and work at one of the local parks as rangers or something like that. She tries to loop me into their conversations, but they all know each other so well that it’s easy for them to slip into talking about work drama or people I don’t know.
Still, it’s nice.
It’s new, at least.
Someone buys a pitcher of beer for the table, and I have a drink to calm down. Once the game starts, I have a reason to be part of the conversations, and interacting is easier. I find trivia boring, but I’m surprisingly good at it, and I’m having a nice time with Anna and her coworkers. I try to pay Anna back for the beer when trivia is over, but she waves me off with a sweet smile.
“Don’t even worry about it.” She leans in close with a conspiratorial smile. “Will’s parents are real estate developers in Bend, so he can afford to buy us a round once in a while,” she says, laughing a little. “Did you have a good time?”
I smile at her, nodding. “Yeah, it was fun. You and your coworkers are great.”
“The guys are cool, but youneedto meet Jessica. She’s awesome, and she’s definitely coming next week, so you should join us again if you want to. No pressure,” she says, smiling a little shyly.
I beam at her. “Absolutely. I’d love that.” I sound too eager, but Anna doesn’t seem to notice as she pulls out her phone to swap numbers with me.
I think I just made a friend, and she’s going to help me makeanotherfriend.
I leave the bar feeling giddy.
***
When I get home, I change out of my work dress into baggy sweats and an oversized green knit sweater that I found at the thrift store last week, which has quickly become my favorite. It has a few yellow and white stripes bracketing the word OREGON, and it’s the perfect amount of worn in without being worn out. It must have just been donated when I bought it, because the thrift store smell hadn’t gotten to it yet. I sniff the sweater again, a little disappointed that the clean, warm, faintly spicy smell is fading so quickly.
When I’m done getting ready for bed, I crawl under the thick duvet and grab my vibrator. I lay back in bed, turning on audio porn on my phone, and let the man’s deep voice start guiding me through masturbating.
My reference for porn before going to that sex shop a few months ago was whatever Danny liked. He’d make me watch it with him to show me what he wanted and to tell me how I should be acting, and I thought all porn was horrible. Apparently, some porn is kind of amazing - I just didn’t like what Danny liked.
It took me every night of June and July to figure out the basics of whatIlike.
June and July werethe best.
I used to think I hated sex. I’d only ever had sex with Danny, but from the very first time it happened, I hated it. I’d occasionally want it and even enjoy it, but those occasions were few and far between.
Now, I think I only hated sex with Danny.
