Page 128 of Perfect
I can’t feel my body, and there’s a loud buzzing sound in the back of my head, and my hands are shaking so hard that Alex’s head is moving a little. I think I’m hurting her, and I don’t want to hurt her, but I’m so fucking angry and confused right now that I’m not in control of my body anymore.
“What’s happening?” My voice sounds wrong to me, too quiet and so scared, and Alex finally looks me in the eyes. Her face is still shaking in my hands, and the miserable, exhausted, relievedlook on her face terrifies the shit out of me. She’s so quiet that her words are barely audible, but I hear them perfectly.
“You’re going to kill me, Theo.” My vision starts to go red, and I panic as my mind spins.
I would never fucking hurt her.I would never intentionallyhurt her.I didn’t hurt her.I did hurt her, though.She has to be lying.She hasn’t been lying.I wouldn’t do any of that to her.I did all of that to her.I didn’t ruin her life.I ruined her life.What we have is real.None of this is real.
I hurt Alex.
Oh my god, I hurt Alex.
She thinks I’m going to kill her.
Something inside of me snaps, and everything goes red.
39
ALEX
TUESDAY, DECEMBER 26
Terror floods through me as Theo’s eyes go wide and he makes a horrible choking noise, his body tensing up and his hands gripping my head shaking so hard that I feel like my teeth are rattling.
I fuckingknewit, I knew that he’d kill me once he figured out he couldn’t have what he wanted from me, and I pushed him anyway.
I need to get out. I’m not going to spend the rest of my life trapped in a situation where I want to love someone but can’t, or where I want to leave but can’t, or where I don’t get to make any real choices for myself. I’m so tired of not being able to live my life on my terms, so I’m choosing to let it go.
It was going to be him or Danny, and I’d rather have it be him.
I sob, rubbing my thumbs over the soft skin on the inside of his wrists and slamming my eyes shut. I don’t want to see his face when he snaps. That’s not how I want to remember him. I want to remember his stupid fucking crooked smile, or his dumb, smug smirk, or the soft, awestruck way he looked at me right as he was about to tell me he loves me.
I just hope he loves me enough to make it quick.
He makes a guttural groaning sound and shoves my head back roughly, yanking his wrists out of my hands. I fall back on the couch and curl into a tight ball, tensing up and waiting for the first blow.
It doesn’t come.
I hear his breath, gasping and rough, and I keep my eyes closed for a few seconds longer, but when I open them, I see he’s far away from me on the couch, his body curled in on itself. He’s rocking back and forth, his head buried in his hands, his chest heaving rapidly as he hyperventilates.
Oh, my fucking god, I’malive.
I launch myself off the couch and run downstairs, grabbing his wallet, phone, and car keys off the dresser. I can finally get the fuck away from him. I don’t know how he’s tracking me, but I’ve got all his shit, and that means I can leave him here and get away long enough to beg someone for help. Maybe I can seek sanctuary somewhere from him and Danny? I don’t know, I’ll figure it out. I run back upstairs and throw the front door open, but I freeze when I hear Theo crying.
I pushed him until he fucking snapped. This was the thing that would have made him kill me,shouldhave made him kill me. I’m sure he wasaboutto kill me, but he didn’t.
That doesn’t matter, I need to leave. I need to step through this door and fuckingrun.I go to take a step out of the house, but I can’t.
Instead, I turn around and watch him as he freaks out, watch his breath saw in and out of him, watch tears stream down his face as he has a massive panic attack.
Why didn’t he kill me?
I stare at him, considering him for a long time, stunned.
I look out the door towards his car and then look back at him. I should walk out this door right fucking now, I know I should. I have everything I need to run. I watch Theo for another minute longer before I turn away, closing the front door behind me.
I sigh, shaking my head as I walk towards him.
I’m moreinsane than he is.
