Page 126 of Perfect
“Theo, I didn’t stay married to Danny for nine years because things were always bad. You know that, right?” She looks at me and must see on my face that I didn’t know that, and she sighs. “I know it’s probably easier for you to think he’s just some horriblebastard, which heis, but he’s also the only reason I didn’t kill myself after my parents died.
“I was so fucking lost, and he came into my life and made everything worse, but I let him make choices for me and take care of me and he let me completely withdraw into myself. It took me years to realize that it wasn’t good for me, that he’d let me isolate myself in a way that made controlling me easier, but at the time, it was all I wanted.”
My knee starts bouncing quickly, and I can feel my shoulders tense. I don’t understand why she’s telling me all of this, but it’s making me really fucking uncomfortable.
She looks over at my leg and smiles sadly.
“Danny, at his best, was a provider. He grew up working class, and his dad died when he was eighteen, so he felt like it was his job to take care of everything. He got a decent job and took care of his mom and his little brother, and after his mom died, he made it his job to take care of his aunts and his cousins however he could. When he met me, he wanted to take care of me, too. He was really controlling, and it only got worse over time, but if I toed the line, he made my life easier. He could also be sweet when he wanted to be, and I was happy sometimes.”
It feels like she’s just hit me over the head with a bat. That can’t be true. She can’t possibly have been happy with Danny. He was fuckingabusive,sothere’s no way. She takes in the shocked look on my face and raises her eyebrows, looking down at her hands and exhaling hard.
“Look, anytime Danny lost his shit and hurt me and made me apologize the way he liked, he’d feelsoguilty afterward, and my life would become extremely easy. He’d apologize and dote on me and feel so ashamed that he’d take on extra shifts at work so he didn’t have to see me. Danny likes to stay really busy, so I had a lot of time to myself anyway, but if he felt guilty for hurting me, it was basically like I lived alone. I got to do whatever I wanted,within reason. I took online classes, I read, I helped organize precinct fundraisers, I worked out, I had a book club with his coworkers’ wives, and I spent pretty much every Saturday shopping and going to movies and restaurants by myself. It was fucking great, honestly.” She laughs humorlessly, pressing her forehead against her knees for a moment before she curls in on herself tighter, resting her chin on her knees and staring into the fire.
“That would go on for weeks or months before he’d be around more, and then he’d start getting angry about everything again. I tried to do everything to keep him from getting mad at me. I looked the way he liked, I played nice with his friends’ wives, I endured his family with a smile, I let him fuck me whenever he wanted, everything. I was on my best behavior all the fucking time, and it was never enough. Any time he’d get mad at me, I’d get angry with myself for being this absolute fuckup, and it always kind of felt like I deserved what happened to me. I know that’s not true, but I felt that way for a long time.” She takes a deep breath and wipes her cheeks with her palms quickly.
I want to touch her, to comfort her, but I feel frozen. She’s sharing so much with me, but something about how she’s acting has me extremely on edge.
“Theo, the point I’m trying to make is that things going wellsometimesmade it easy for me to pretend things were normal. I was able to ignore what was wrong and occasionally buy into the fantasy that my marriage was good. I was still trapped in it, still fucking miserable, but I got to lie to myself most of the time.” She looks at me and shakes her head, sighing. “Now I’m trapped here with you, but I can’t lie to myself about it.” Shock and indignation flood my body.
I can’t believe she’s comparing me to her fucking husband.
“I’mnotlike that, Alex. This relationship isn’t like that.” She levels me with a pitying look that sets my teeth on edge.
“I know you care about me, Theo, and I don’t think you mean to be the way you are, but you’re more delusional than I thought if you can’t see how hard you worked to trap me here.” What she’s saying doesn’t make sense, but a chill runs down my spine at her words anyway.
“You know, Danny was the wrong person at the right time. I was young, and I had just lost my parents. I needed somebody, and he took advantage of that to create a situation that worked for him. That’s not how he sees it, but that’s what happened. He had some level of access to me, though.Youcame out of fuckingnowhere. You stalked me, youfigured out that I was vulnerable, you inserted yourself into my life, and you’ve used the fact that I’m hiding to keep me under your thumb.” My temper flares, hot and sharp in my core. Why does she keep lying to herself like this? That’snotwhat’s happened between us, not atall.
“I didn’t fucking do that,” I snap.
“Yeah, you did, and you did a great job,” she snaps back. “You knew I would run and found a way to stop me. You knew if I went to the cops, I’d have to use my real identity and Danny would find me. I know you know who he is, Theo. I know you know about my life in Boston, my real name, my parents, all of it. I’m sure you’ve known everything since before you broke into my house, and you used all of it to trap me here with you.” Something inside me cracks slightly, and anxiety buzzes under my skin. Is that what she thinks happened? She’s so wrong about this.
I mean, she’s not wrong aboutsomeof it, but I didn’t doallof that.
I shake my head at her, too anxious to talk, and she looks over at the fireplace and lets out a long sigh.
“My only options now are to go home to my husband, who’ll kill me because I ran away, or stay here with you, and you’ll kill me when you don’t get what you want. It’s him or you, but it ends the same for me.” I look at her incredulously, my heart sinking.
Is she seriously fucking afraid of me?
“I…Alex, I wouldn’t…no,” I force out, and she gives me a tight, sad little smile.
“I believe youthinkyou won’t hurt me, but I can’t trust you. You’re violent and delusional and wound so fucking tightly that you’ll snap the second you realize you can’t ever have what you want from me, which will happen soon.” Tears prick behind my eyes, and I try to hold them back. I can’t believe she’s saying these things.
I’m not like that at all.
“Sweetie, what thefuck?” Alex reaches out for my hand, squeezing hard. I’m so confused and hurt and angry right now, but I twine my fingers through hers and hold on tightly, focusing on the feel of her skin against mine. She gives our joined hands a conflicted look as she runs her thumb against mine soothingly.
“I never reallylikedDanny, you know? We didn’t have anything in common, and I think he sucks as a person.” She laughs bitterly and shakes her head, looking over at the fire. “I likeyou, though. After what you did and how everything played out, it wassucha shock for me, but we sort of fit together.” A brief wave of relief calms me down enough to kiss the back of her hand. She closes her eyes, wiping her face quickly with her other hand before turning and looking up at me. “Theo, I like yousomuch. I have fun with you, and I like talking to you and getting to know you and spending time with you – all of it. Oh, and thesex,” she laughs and rolls her eyes, her thighs clenching together a little bit. “The sex is fucking incredible. Everything feels so good with you.”
This is exactly how I want her to feel, so why is hearing her say this so upsetting? It feels like she’s trying to break up with me somehow. She takes a deep breath and pulls her knees tighter, shaking her head as she looks at me with pity.
“You’re a sad, lonely mess of a person, you know that? You have no friends, no family, no life, noboundaries, and you’re kind of fucking scary.” I recoil in pain like she’s just hit me, and she gives me this soft, sad smile and lifts my hand to her lips. “You’re also smart, and funny, and sweet, and you’resofucking thoughtful. You’re amazing most of the time, even if you’re so fucking intense abouteverything, but I like that. I like you,allof you, so much. You’re my best friend,” she says quietly, looking up at me and squeezing my hand, tears streaming down her face.
Everything’s so confusing right now, but I feel that familiar hum of connection between us, and I cling on to it. She’s my best friend, too, even if she’s hurting my feelings in every possible way. I take a shuddering breath and squeeze her hand, struggling to push down my anger.
Goddammit, this was just getting good, and now we’re right back here.
“Sweetie, I think you’rereallyconfused right now, okay?”
