Page 48 of A Christmas Baby for the Cowboy
But if he could do something like that, they wouldn’t have come to this point. So he was going to have to suck it up and talk instead.
“Let’s hit on a few housekeeping details first,” he said, rocking back on his heels. “My parents decided to throw their own New Year’s party, but only for the grandchildren. I think everyone else came here, except Ryder and Rosie, who jumped at the chance to sleep. They don’t expect to be without the girls all night.”
Ramona swallowed visibly, then dabbed at her damp face with her knuckles. She did not look at him. “I would think not. They’re too young.”
“They bunked down in one of the rooms in the ranch house, so they can have the best of both worlds. Some peaceful sleep, and access to the girls when they cry.” He nodded, like he’d crossed that off the list. “But while I was there with Hailey, they all kept asking me what I’d decided.” He tilted his head a little to one side. “Did you tell someone that I hadn’t made up my mind yet about keeping her?”
Ramona looked at him and frowned, but only a little. “I didn’t say that. I said you were appropriately considering all your options.”
“There aren’t any options,” he told her, gruffly. He reached up and knocked his hat off his head, and then raked his hand through his hair. He set the Stetson down on the banquette beside her, then he straightened again. “After you left, I had a lot of thinking to do.”
“Is that a new experience for you?”
Knox nodded, then ran his tongue around his teeth. “I deserve that. I ran out after you, but you were already gone. And I’m not sure that would have stopped me, but what I was clear on was that you didn’t want me following you. So I went back inside.”
He looked past her, out toward Cowboy Point, at this view that he didn’t have to know anything about real estate to know was spectacular. The kind of view that people would kill for, because it wasn’t simply beautiful, it was evocative. Dallas Lisle’s ridiculous lighthouse, which should have been an eyesore, instead bathed the town in light at intervals, illuminating it in swathes so it was like Knox was staring straight down into his own history as it flashed by.
The entire life he’d lived in and around this little valley hidden behind Copper Mountain.
This place he’d considered too small, too remote, and had always planned to leave.
And yet somehow, tonight, it seemed like the whole world.
Knox knew that was because Ramona was sitting here in front of him, framed by that view, the center of the universe for all intents and purposes.
The center of him, now that he allowed himself to accept it.
He blew out a breath. “I’m going to take you through this step by step, because I know you won’t believe me if I just tell you where I ended up. Because I’ve given you no reason to believe me. I know that too.”
She looked stunning. He had never known her not to look stunning, of course, but it was on a different level tonight. Every time she wore blue it was like she was turning the dimmer up. She was going from the quiet inevitability of her innate, elegant beauty straight off into the stratosphere.
He’d seen very clearly that Wyatt Stark certainly appreciated her. Not that he was jealous. He actually, truly wasn’t. He knew what he and Ramona had between them hadn’t disappeared overnight, and, probably, Wyatt didn’t have a chance with her.
What he’d been worried about was that she would choose Wyatt anyway, because she was sick of Knox’s shit.
Which would have been perfectly fair. Reasonable, even.
But she was sitting here now, looking at him. Her tears had dried, but he wouldn’t say that the expression on her face was all that welcoming. It seemed a lot more like she was just waiting to see what he would say.
He reminded himself that she was a doctor. She liked data. She liked research, facts, and the compilation of supporting evidence.
Knox cleared his throat. “When Hailey woke up, I changed her and fed her. And as I was feeding her, she was staring up, and I had this wild, almost lightheaded sensation.” He was holding one of his hands flexed open over his chest, but he didn’t drop it when he realized he was doing it. “I was thinking about all the things you’d said to me, and I was looking at her, and it was almost as if the horizons just…”
He shook his head. “I don’t know if this makes sense. But it was like I thought the world was one size. And then the more I looked at Hailey, the more I realized it was infinite, and she was the reason why, and it was obvious to me in that moment that I was only ever pretending that I was going to let someone else raise her.”
Ramona pulled in a breath. Her hands were in her lap and she was holding them tight together, and Knox couldn’t tell if that was because she wanted to jump up and run away, or maybe just jump up and run.
“I’ve never spent a single second of my life wondering what it would be like to be a father,” Knox told her. “Not that I don’t want a family, or didn’t assume that I might someday, but I thought someday was far away. I had a solid idea of all the things I needed to accomplish between this day and someday. But the more I look at Hailey, the less I think any of that matters.”
He found her gaze and held it. “I’m not giving her up. Ever. I’m not surprised that you knew that before me, but I want you to know that I know it now.”
There were all kinds of things swimming around in all of the blue in her eyes, but all she did was nod. “Good,” she said, quietly. Calmly. “I’m glad to hear that. And for the record, I think you’ll be an excellent father.”
Knox thought that sounded… not terrible, so he pushed on. “And once I realized that none of those things I thought were important mattered to me, not anymore, it was like I could finally see the past year and a half for what it was.” He held her gaze. “I hope you know that I truly never meant to hurt you. I truly believed that what I was doing was protecting you, and I’m sorry that I didn’t see how obviously that wasn’t the case.”
Her eyes closed, like they were too heavy to keep open, then she shook her head. “These are all things I’ve wanted to hear from you for a long time, Knox. But what’s the point of it all now?”
She looked past him to where the party was carrying on below them. The music swelled. There was laughter and conversation and the clinking of glasses. It all sounded so happy, so bright.
