Page 39 of The Loves We Lost
“Because she wasn’t given a fucking choice.” Miles links his hands on the top of his head, the flex of his biceps a momentary distraction. “So here’s the thing: She’s not going to live the rest of her life without me in it. We can do that the easy way or the hard way, Vi, but I’m not letting the two of you drive off into the sunset, never to see her again.”
“What do you mean, the hard way?” My heart lurches and my stomach drops. “You’re going to fight me legally for her?”
“That’s not what I said, Vi. I said I want to play a part in her life. We can work it out together. Or you can speak to the club’s lawyer.”
Tears sting my eyes again, and this time they are of frustration. “I’ve lived a peaceful life, Miles. The kind I dreamed of. I write books. I stay home. I provide a decent life for Avery. She has friends and a good school. And somehow, someone finds out my connection to you. Somehow, they find out where I live. And they come looking for you. Knowing that the only person who could help me figure out who these people are was you, I did the safest thing I could think of. I came here to ask you to help me understand what kind of trouble I’m in. And now you use that against me. You’re going to use it to step into my life and never leave. You’re going to use it to take my daughter away from me. You’re going to upset her world and mine. You’re going to increase the risk I’m already in because of my association with you. And you don’t care. I wish I’d never met you. I wish I’d never trusted my heart and fallen in love with you. I can’t regret making Avery because she’s my life. But everything else ...”
Miles steps back as surely as if I slapped him.
The air around us vibrates with the energy of my words, but I can’t suck them back in. I wouldn’t even if I could, because I meant every single one of them.
When Miles finally speaks, it’s in a strangled tone. “Send me the video or at least screenshots of the men. I’ll have Vex see if he can figure out who they are. In the meantime, I’ll need the keys to your house. I’ll make plans to go with a few of the guys to increase the security measures. And then today, I’m gonna get to know my daughter.Youcan do whatever the fuck you like.”
This time when he leaves the room, he slams the door, and a shiver runs through my body.
As women, were conditioned to capitulate. So many of the decisions we make revolve around our safety. We back down even when we’re right because the other person’s anger scares us. We take paths we don’t want to because we think the outcomes will be less severe. I don’t want to be here, but it’s where I’m safest. Miles is the only one who can help me, so I don’t really want to piss him off. But he’s also the man who didn’t choose me.
He. Didn’t. Choose. Me.
And I guess all along that’s what has hurt most.
He rejected me when he put the club first.
And he’ll do the same for Avery.
She needs consistency. While I know he’ll always take care of her, I don’t know if he can shield her from the effects of his choices.
I go into the bathroom and splash some water on my face. There are dark circles beneath my eyes. Fear slithers through me like a snake wrapping itself around my organs, squeezing them tight. I’ve never had a panic attack before, but I feel like one is edging close. Blood pumps so fast, I swear I can feel it pulsing at my temples, and the world seems a little fuzzy around the edges.
Dizziness creeps in.
I can’t breathe.
The bedroom door slams open. “Another thing, Vi,” I hear Miles shout, but the words are muffled. I try to focus on his footsteps, and the bathroom door is shoved open. “Where do you get off being—”
I raise my hand. At least I try to. It shakes uncontrollably.
“Fuck,” Miles mutters. “Vi. Sweetheart. Come here.”
He picks me up into his arms, and I let him. Mainly because I’m about to fall. All of me shakes. I can’t even cry. I feel utterly out of my own body. I’m not normally an emotional person. Being a single mom means I’ve had to be strong, to be tough and roll with the punches. But in the last twenty-four-hours, I’ve stood my whole world on end, and it’s been as emotionally and mentally draining as it is terrifying.
Miles manages to get us both onto the bed, me across his lap, in his arms, holding me like you would a baby. “Just breathe, Vi. Please. Just breathe.”
15
BATES
I’m an asshole.
I say that to myself ten more times. Doesn’t make me feel any better as Viola shakes herself apart in my arms. I hold her tight as I try to figure out what to say next. I’m like Jekyll and Hyde. How can she know where I stand when I’m not even consistent?
One minute I’m so fucking furious at the decision she made to keep Avery from me. Hell, to keep herself from me. The next, I want to hold her just like this. To step up, be the bigger man, and reassure her that we’ll get through all this somehow.
Her crying so hard taunts at the masculine part of me, which says that I should be making this right, not sitting here in silence.
“I’m sorry,” Vi says as she tries to climb off me.
I tighten my arms around her, holding her close, thinking of what to say next that won’t do irreparable damage, but also won’t let Vi off the hook.
