Page 79 of The Vows We Keep
I lean back in the chair and stare at the swirl of steam above my untouched coffee cup and think about how to answer. “I’ve seen my mom as an old lady, turning the other way when it came to my father’s extracurricular sex life. I’ve seen club girls give up their best years for bikers who don’t even want them because they are happily married but enjoy sleeping around—with or without their old lady’s blessing. I’ve seen bikers throw away marriages because they’re aging, doubt their own virility, and think banging a twenty-year-old proves something. It’s all bodies being traded for some kind of security. Men sleep around all the time. And yet women who sleep around, who enjoy sex, who weaponize sex are called sluts, whores, tramps, harlots. So, yes. I feel a superficial level of shame because I’ve been told my whole life that this is not what good girls do, while being shown the exact opposite. But deep down, I enjoy what I do. I love the planning, the execution, the thrill.”
Rae leans forward conspiratorially. “I think you and I are going to be the best of friends.”
“Yeah?”
“Yes. There is a huge double standard in the way women view themselves and the way society tries to put them in boxes. And it’s not even really society. It’s misogyny. And patriarchy. There’s a trope in romance books called grumpy-sunshine. The problem is, when the hero is grumpy, he can be an actual on-page asshole. And readers inhale that like it’s gold. In that instance, the woman is sunshine and readers understand her. But when it’s a grumpy woman, reviewers find the character hard to connect with, cold. And the problem is internalized misogyny. We’ve been told we should smile more, pacify more, capitulate more. Keep the peace, smooth things over. When we read a character on a page who lives her truth, who doesn’t smile on demand, who lives her life to the beat of her own drum, it’s super tempting to label her as unlikeable. And the same happens when it comes to sex in the real world. Men are heroes if they sleep around, women are sluts. It’s the most ridiculous construct.” Rae stops abruptly and takes a deep breath. “I think you and I have lots to discuss. But I would be remiss if I didn’t offer one word of caution.”
“What’s that?”
“Perhaps the unhealthiest thing for Niro is to be enabled. What you seek could be his downfall. We all know that given how Niro is behaving at the moment, he’ll back you up in any revenge you undertake. He needs to learn how to manage who he is, not be encouraged to give in to those desires. Can you be what he needs without diminishing who you are? Do you need revenge more than Niro needs a soft and safe environment to grow in?”
The words hit me square in the chest, but she’s right.
“I’m so angry,” I say quietly.
“That’s understandable. But processing grief and anger is very different than exacting revenge. It might be useful to separate the two so you can make progress here.”
“I’m not prepared to let go of holding those who killed my father accountable.”
Rae smiles softly. “Yet.”
“When Niro said I should speak to you, I asked him how many people you had killed.”
Rae’s eyes go wide. “Why is that relevant?”
I shrug. “Because I wasn’t sure you and I would find common ground.”
“And now?” Rae lifts her coffee and takes a sip.
“Now, I agree with you. I think we’re going to be good friends.”
King reappears in the bar; this time he has other men and women with him, Niro included.
Rae grins over the rim of her cup. “Splendid. I’m going out with some of the other old ladies for drinks before dinner. I think you should join us.”
“I think that’s a terrible idea,” King says, but a brunette with long hair steps forward.
“Cat. I’m Briar. Nice to meet you. Come with us. We’re all curious about you, which is a terrible thing to admit, but everyone is a little shocked that Niro has a girlfriend.”
“And I’m Gwen. You booted my fiancé, something I’ve been tempted to do on many occasions.” The women laugh, but Clutch looks offended.
I stand and place my hand ever so slightly in front of Gwen to nudge her behind me.
“Steady, cariño,” Niro says from behind me. “That’s not his pissed-off face.”
Clutch raises his hands. “Not my proudest moment, getting sent flying by a woman, but I’m not gonna do anything but laugh about it, yeah?”
Niro entwines his fingers with mine. “She’s just teasing him, Cat. Nothing we haven’t all said.”
Yet again, this club is resetting what I know. That an old lady must know her place. I can only imagine what Felipe would have done if I’d made a joke like that in front of his brothers.
“Cat’s growing on me,” Spark says as he faces Niro. “She armed?”
Niro looks at me. “Are you?”
He knows I am but lets me answer for myself. “Yeah. I’m armed.”
“You said you weren’t,” King says.
