Page 75 of The Vows We Keep
I check in with my body. I feel content. Despite Niro’s weight over me, I feel like I can breathe for the first time in days. “Thank you,” I whisper.
Niro raises himself up on his elbows and places his palms on either side of my face. “It’s okay to need to be fucked like that. You ever need me to do that with you, you ask me. And know I’ll be counting my lucky stars that I’ve found a woman who’ll let me take her this way.”
My heart squeezes, then eases. I realize I’m here to stay. “Next time, I won’t hold back.”
Niro touches his lips to mine. “Next time, neither will I.”
24
NIRO
There are many noises I’m used to in this house. There’s the whir of the AC in the summer that seems to clunk on and clunk off as if offended every time it’s needed. Sometimes, I hear the cry of gulls that have strayed too far from the shore.
But one sound I’m not used to? The sound of a woman crying.
I pat the side of the bed as I struggle to open my eyes.
Catalina isn’t there, but the warmth in the sheets tells me she hasn’t been long gone.
Rubbing a hand over my jaw, I force myself up into a seated position and yawn. There’s a sliver of light in the hallway.
I tug on some jeans and head to the stairs, where I find her sitting on the bottom step. Slowly, so as not to scare her, I walk down the stairs and take a seat on the one that’s two up from her. I slip my legs on either side of her and tug her back to me, holding her tightly as place gentle kisses on the side of her neck.
“What hurts?” I ask.
“All of it,” Catalina says on a hiccup and starts to cry again. “I hate this.”
I don’t know what she means, but I want to. So I sit and wait it out while she cries. I bite down the need to drag her to her feet, to make her laugh, or go make cookies so she can eat away whatever is bothering her. I’m the master of distraction. It’s served me well. I’ve been the class clown. The asshole. I’ve never sat with feelings of being needed by anyone, but for Catalina, I’m desperate to figure out how to simply be here for her.
Her shudders hurt me. I never thought I could feel something so deeply, but the way every shake and shiver affects me, not just physically, but somewhere deep within my chest, shows me I can.
“I think I buried the pain to avoid caring,” I blurt. Then I curse myself for centering me in a conversation that should be about her.
“Can you teach me how?”
Her words surprise me, and I kiss the top of her head. “Not sure my way is the right one, Catalina. I feel like your way is better. You’ve let yourself love deeply. What you’re feeling now is painful. But offset against all those happier memories, would you rather have not loved your father at all? Would you rather have not trusted your friends? Would you rather not have had a home within the club you grew up in?”
Crying turns into jerky shudders as she tries to catch her breath. I wonder if she has any idea what her vulnerability does to me. Do I love that she’s a badass? Of course. But the feminine energy she’s sharing right now, the softness of it all, calls to me.
I bury myself in the thick hair by her neck that smells like sunshine and oranges as I tighten my hold on her. The more I hold her tightly, the more she calms. I think back to all the days when I felt utterly untethered, when my brain was on a tilt. How I wished I’d had something to ground me. Then Mom would hold me tight. And just that pressure around my rib cage would help bring things back into focus.
Catalina tilts her head to the side, and I press my lips to it, running a line of kisses up her neck to behind her ear.
“What’s going on?” I say finally. “What has you up at three in the morning this upset?”
Catalina sighs and turns slightly so she’s looking up at me. “I’m lost, Colton.”
The use of my real name makes me feel like I’m a superhero. “Tell me,” I encourage.
“My life makes no sense. I’ve spent it trying to become something valuable to the world I live in, yet as a result, I’m neither in nor out of the Los Reyes Motorcycle Club. I have no stability. The club pays me some money. But I’m neither in the life nor out of it. I thought I wanted to be fully in Los Reyes, but if they hurt my father, I’m going to want revenge on every single one of them. I want Perrito to take his last breath while my hands are around his throat. I live in Barstow and want to go home, yet I don’t want to leave here. I’m everywhere and nowhere. I guess I don’t know what I want the rest of my life to be. I’m used to doing everything by myself, but I see how it could be different with you.”
When she’s done speaking, she lowers her forehead onto my thigh, and I stroke her hair gently. It’s smooth and cool as it slips through my fingers.
“You’re not lost, Catalina. You’re stuck. There’s a difference.”
She lifts her head, and when those red eyes and tearstained face look up at me, I know I’d move heaven and earth to help her. “What’s the difference?”
“You know exactly where you are. You’re in Asbury Park, New Jersey. You’re with a man who cares for you a whole lot more than he should. You’re on a quest to figure out what happened to your father. You don’t need to worry about basic needs because I’ve got you. There’s a roof over your head for as long as you need it. I’m happy to buy food, especially if you are happy to cook it. You’re not lost. But you are stuck. You’ve got hard decisions to make, and I know you’ll make the right ones.”
