Page 71 of The Vows We Keep
“Now get on with whatever it is you’re off doing so you can get back here soon.”
“I will.” After saying our goodbyes, I hang up.
“The dopey look on your fucking face is thoroughly entertaining,” King says.
“Fuck you,” I say, but I don’t put any weight behind it.
“You sure you want to do this?” King asks Rae.
She smiles, then reaches up and ruffles his hair. Normally that shit would make me puke. But I think about how it felt when Catalina washed my hair, and I suddenly understand why King’s a different man around Rae.
“You make her cry, hurt her in any way, stress her out, or otherwise piss her off, you and I are gonna come to blows,” King says.
Rae nudges him to the hallway. “You will never know because what happens between a therapist and their client is confidential so go back upstairs and wait for me.”
When King disappears up the stairs, Rae smiles. “You seem like a different person than the one who arrived at my door in Michigan,” she says.
I sit back down on the purple stool. “I’m sorry for that, Rae. Real sorry. The whole thing was a dick move.”
She studies me for a minute. “Thank you for saying that ... wait, what’s your real name?”
“Colton.”
“Thank you for saying that, Colton. I appreciate it.” Rae pulls out the stool next to me. “Why don’t you explain how I can help?”
“You meant what you said to King? That what I say to you is private and just between us?”
When she nods, I give her a rundown. About my childhood. About my sister. About how I joined the club. And Rae listens. Really listens. To all of it. By the end of it, I feel like I just poured my soul out onto my president’s floors.
“When you were young, we didn’t understand ADHD and ASPD in the way we understand them now,” she says. “If we had, you would have had so much more support than you got, Niro. I’m sorry the system wasn’t equipped to help you, and that the attempts made only made you feel worse about yourself. I’m also deeply sorry you lost your sister, Lacey. And that it led to the loss of your relationship with your mom. None of those things could have been easy. Carrying that amount of trauma must hurt immensely.”
Tears sting my eyes. I don’t remember the last time I cried. “Don’t be nice to me, Rae.”
“Look at me, Colton.” Her tone is stern, like a schoolteacher, but I respond and look up at her. “I’m not saying these things to pacify you. It’s genuine. My heart hurts for you in every word. I know you think you don’t feel anything because of the ASPD, but there’s nuance to all the Cluster B disorders, including yours.”
“I hate that term. Cluster B.”
Lying, irritability, lack of remorse and empathy, increased aggression and impulsivity.
“I misjudged you when I first met you. I apologize. Cluster B personalities don’t tend to show guilt and have limited regard for right and wrong. A higher percent of Cluster B personalities ends up in prison. They break the law, repeatedly. It’s estimated that somewhere between fifty and seventy percent of incarcerated men have ASPD.”
“So, the definition of me then.”
“Yes. And no. You haveincredibleinsight into how your actions affect others when you want to. I felt how much King’s father meant to you, and I heard the grief you still carry for his loss when you just spoke about him.”
I rub my hands together. “Can you fix me, Rae?”
She places her palm on my knee. “You don’t need fixing, Niro. But I can give you tools as to how you regulate your behavior. There are drug options we can consider. Mood stabilizers. Typically, a person’s belief system combined with their environment and the stresses they carry creates their thoughts. Those thoughts lead to behaviors that cause your actions. In ASPD, you go straight from stress to action, thanks to lack of impulse control. We can work on that.”
I nod. I like the idea that I’m not broken.
“And, if you agree, I’d like to help you process everything that has happened in your life through a new lens, one that allows you to leave things in the past.”
“Like what?”
“Grief, Niro. Camelot wasn’t just your president; he was the closest thing you had to a father. Knowing the man you are, how protective you are of Uther, I can only imagine the layers of grief Lacey’s loss has left behind. And rejection. When you are ready, we can think through your relationship with your mom. Maybe even think about steps you might want to take to connect with her or let her go with love, knowing that she was doing her best.”
“I’m a bit shit at words,” I admit.
