Page 86 of The Bonds We Break
I work hard to keep the club a million miles from my thoughts.
Finally, we fall asleep together.
That’s a lie.
She falls asleep, and I listen to her breathe, wondering if I’ve actually got the strength to do what I need to do.
There is one thing I know for sure. Rae doesn’t belong with a man like me.
There’s an invisible snake around my neck and it’s constricting. The idea of leaving her here while I go home hurts even worse.
She doesn’t deserve the deal I’ve dealt her. She doesn’t deserve living her life for the next five months in the shadows of what I’ve done.
Letting her go will be hard. But letting her go five months from now? Impossible.
I said she was brave, and she fucking is. I look at her sleeping. There’s enough light from the moon that I can see her creamy skin. She’s on her back, her fist up by her cheek. Her lips are soft, her breath steady.
I imagine a world where I could wake up next to Rae Miller every day for the rest of my life.
But instead, I creep from the bed and pull on the clothes I discretely stacked with the rest of my things under the guise of tidying up. I place the note I’ve already written on the pillow so she’ll see it when she wakes up. Then I leave Rae Miller and my heart in Michigan.
31
RAE
“So are we going to talk about why we’re suddenly here in Ann Arbor celebrating Christmas, or do you want to keep on pretending the last month didn’t happen?” Ryker asks as we rinse dishes and load the dishwasher.
My brother looks older. Wiser. The past few months have been hard on him. He arrived last night. After a panicked morning call from me explaining how I couldn’t bear to spend Christmas Day alone, he and Briar upended their lives to get here.
He isn’t mad. Simply asking me the question.
I try to not let the tears well up again. I’ve had forty-eight hours’ practice, despite re-reading the letter thirty-two times. I think of some of the lines.
You’re free, Rae.
Can’t bring you into my life.
Be happy in yours.
Parting is such sweet sorrow.He quotedRomeo and Julietfor God’s sake. Romeo. And fucking Juliet.
“He let me go.”
“Why?”
I look at my brother. “Why? I thought you’d be relieved.”
“I am. For you. I ... shit. No, you’re right.”
“Spill, Ike. Just tell me everything you’re thinking about.”
“Fine. He seemed happier of late. I know the difference is you. And you seemed ... affected by him, when we all went out for dinner. So maybe I got to a place in my mind where we all lived in Jersey, and you and Briar were friends or some shit. So, tell me honestly. How are you really?”
My tear spills over at his words. Because in the moments when I’m honest, I know I let myself daydream about that too. “You want to know how I feel? I’m hurt. I have questions. I wish he’d told me face-to-face. And I’m mad because I put my trust in a guy who didn’t think enough of me to look out for me like he said he would.”
Ryker shakes his head. “How did you end up back here? Why didn’t you call?”
I turn off the tap and place the platter that held the turkey back on the counter. “I did call. Yesterday morning when I woke up and realized he was gone.”
