Page 84 of The Games We Play
“Fuck,” Spark mutters, and then he turns his back on me and shoves his hands in his wet pockets.
Skin stretches tightly across his shoulders. The Iron Outlaws tattoo flexes.
I stand beneath the shower, transfixed, as I rinse away the sting.
Our hurts are different. And I want to ease his as much as he’s trying to ease mine. I turn him to face me, then drop to my knees to remove his boots. I’ve been on my knees once today already; this time feels different.
I clumsily undo the laces. The sleeve for my brace makes it harder. “Step out of them,” I say.
“Iris. Don’t.”
“You need to hear me, Spark. I chose not to sayrain.” I look up at him until he steps one foot out. I remove his sock. Then we do the other foot.
With as much care as he showed me, I remove his jeans and boxer briefs. When we are both naked, I switch places in the steamy shower. His skin is cool to the touch after being out of the spray so long.
“I don’t deserve this,” he says quietly.
I place my palms on his chest; he covers them with his hands. “I think you do. I think we both do.”
We take it in turns. Silently, he rinses the conditioner out of my hair. I soap his body. We finish showering and stand beneath the spray, holding onto each other like we might drown, until the water turns cold.
Spark wraps us both in towels, then finds a hand towel for my hair, bundling that up too. Then he gently removes the sleeve that kept my brace dry. I don’t argue when he picks me up, carries me to his bed, and settles us both down, me on his lap. His chest is warm against my cheek, but his hold works like an anxiety blanket. Easing me.
I still don’t see things clearly, but the sense of panic is gone.
“Do you really not see us the way I do, Iris?”
“I see us exactly as you do, Spark. But it doesn’t change the fact that you are you and I’m me. We’re as different as chalk and cheese. Your life terrifies me. Your brothers were amazing. Funny. Their old ladies were so lovely and welcoming. I mean, we’re going to need to talk about those other girls, because I’m monogamous and hate conflict. But even though I like these people, your life is dangerous.”
Spark caresses the crease of my hip with his thumb. “I love being alive, little chick. Don’t intend to die or do anything to stop me seeing you. You need monogamy from me, I’ll give it, so long as you realize I need your faith in us in return. Those other girls, I’ll make sure they’re clear on who you are to me, but we’re also going to have to toughen you up a little. I’ll teach you to fight back. Not just against them, but because women should always feel safe and capable of taking care of themselves. We’ll spend time here. Get you comfortable. Just, I need you to meet me halfway. And if after all that, you still can’t deal, then we’ll face what happens next.”
His confidence is us inspires me to not give up on finding a solution to the mess I’m in. “And what does that look like?”
Spark shrugs. “I have no fucking clue. I hope everything else works so we don’t need to think about it. But it starts and ends with you and me.”
We sit in silence for a moment as I process everything that’s happened. My brain is finally catching up with what my body and heart just went through.
“I’m sorry for treating you like that, Iris.”
I can’t let him feel bad for something that deep down, I actually enjoyed. “Admitting this is hard. But I liked it, Spark. My brain is quiet again. Empty even. I liked seeing that side of you, of knowing I could get you to a place where you lost yourself. I’ve never had sex like that in my life. Not in the way it felt, not in how good it was. I don’t know that it’s how I always want it, but it’s a dark kind of special, don’t you think?”
Spark tips my chin with his thumb and forefinger. “Special?” He huffs a laugh. “Fucking understatement, little chick.” His lips brush mine softly, the kiss feeling like an apology. But I need to clarify something.
“Did you enjoy it, Spark?”
He sighs deeply and looks up at the ceiling. “Honestly, yeah. I feel calm now. But hurting you, no. That feels like a blow torch to the skin.”
I stroke the hairs on his forearm until they are all lying in the same direction. The calm he feels—I feel it too. The storm that brewed inside me all day has dissipated. “Is that how you usually like it though?”
“You really want the details?”
Looking up, I face him. We are as vulnerable as two people can be right now, and I don’t want to break this spell of honesty. “Not really, but I think it’s something we should discuss.”
“I love fucking. But sometimes I need it as an escape from my own demons. I’m a big guy; I like to overpower. Dominating someone on the battlefield, on the road, and in bed all do it for me. I’ve never really given much of a shit about the person on the receiving end of that. Until you.”
“Me?”
He wiggles us down on the bed; my towel falls open, and his eyes drop to my breasts. Leaning forward, he kisses the bruise softly. “Yeah, you, Iris. I’ve fallen in love with you when I didn’t intend to. I don’t want to hurt you, ever. Wanted to ease us in gently. Explore how far I could push you. So, do I still want to dominate you? Of course, I fucking do. Almost brought me to my fucking knees when you opened your mouth to suck my dick even after everything I’d already done. But actually hurting you? No, I’d rather cut my heart out. The idea that my ‘dominating’ might cost you if the power exchange isn’t equal? That the pleasure you got from submitting didn’t equal mine? No, I don’t need it more than I need you.”
