Page 77 of Full Tilt
“Jen, please don’t cry,” Kendra pleads.
We’re not really girls who cry, so when we do, the other knows and feels the pain.
With the corner of my hoodie sleeve, I wipe roughly at my eyes, feeling the material chafe my sensitive skin.
“Do you know how hard it is to watch my friends all get married and have babies? I don’t want to sound like that person who isn’t happy for her friends because I am and I always will be.”
“I know, Jen.”
The confession continues to tumble from me in a landslide of emotion.
“But at some point, you have to reach a conclusion where you accept that you aren’t desired because you’re nothing but undesirable. You start to look in the mirror and think,What’s wrong with me? Where did I go wrong? Is it because I have a resting bitch face, or did I do something in another life that has left me with a big red flag above my head that only the opposite sex can see?Maybe that’s why Lee backed off our relationship—because he could see I wasn’t long-term material and there were better options out there for him than me.”
“I didn’t mean to upset you with what I said.” Kendra sounds full of regret and sorrow, and I feel the same emotions too. Deep in the pit of my gut.
Unloading on my friend like this when all she called about was her pregnancy announcement party was unfair and selfish.
“I’m going to come over and see you right now.”
I shake my head to no one. “You don’t need to do that. Jack will be home soon and hasn’t seen you in over a week.”
“Doesn’t matter,” she immediately counters. “I’m going to come over, and we’ll eat ourselves silly and watch all the movies you want. You need me tonight, and I need you, friend.”
When I pull the phone away from my ear, the final minute on Tommy’s window expires, and more regret and sadness overwhelm my senses.
I could really use a friendly face tonight.
“Okay,” I eventually reply, uncrossing my legs and drawing my knees toward my chest. “Bring some wine too.”
CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE
JENNA
“I’m sorry, but nonalcoholic wine is gross and totally counterintuitive if you ask me.”
After my meltdown earlier, I’m trying to be as upbeat as possible since I don’t want Kendra to harbor any guilt for what she said to me over the phone.
Swirling the clear, gross liquid around in my glass, I set it down on the coffee table in front of me and kick my feet up to rest them next to my drink.
In all honesty, Kendra is probably right about Tommy. Not that he’s as bad as Tyler—not many people are as callous and cruel as he is. However, she was right when she said that Tommy wasn’t boyfriend material. Although it’s not like I ever thought he would be.
“Can I ask you something?” Kendra holds a hand out in front of her as she sits beside me on the couch. Dressed in one of Jack’s Blades sweaters and blue jeans, you’d never know she was pregnant, aside from her rosy cheeks and thicker hair. “Andplease don’t answer if you’re not comfortable talking about it again.”
I roll my lips together and nod once.
“What did you want to get out of sleeping with Tommy?”
It’s a great question and one I know I’ll struggle to answer.
Picking up my fake wine, I take a small sip and slide the glass back onto the table.
“I think you hit the nail on the head when you said it was a fuck to scratch an itch. He wanted me and wouldn’t let it drop because he knew I wanted him too.”
My friend tips her head to the side as she studies me. “How many times did you sleep together?”
“Twice.”
She seems surprised by that.
