Page 101 of Full Tilt
Jenna shakes her head, squeezing the back of my neck. “It’s not that. I still want all of those things. It’s just …”
“You don’t want them with a guy like me?”
I’m fully aware that I don’t know what I want in my own life. Having a girlfriend has never been at the top of my priority list, never mind starting a family. But the idea of Jenna not envisioning herself doing that with me evokes a kind of nausea I never want to feel again.
“I want to spend time with you, Tommy.” Her fingertips brush through the clipped hair at the back of my head. “I want us to start over and find out what it is that keeps driving us back together. I share and have feelings for you too. But I’m scared that you’ll hurt me.”
I’m desperate to fill her head with affirmations and reassurance that her fears won’t happen. Something tells me that those words will come across as empty. She doesn’t need lip service. She needs something more tangible. To feel my vulnerability.
I press my forehead against hers again and release a steadying breath, knowing that while this may be the hardest thing I’ve ever done, it’s the strongest move I can make right now.
“My dad … Alex,” I begin, nausea creeping back up my throat, “he wanted nothing to do with me. From the second I was born to the present day.”
Jenna’s eyes hold nothing but understanding. “I know, Tommy. Despite the name you wear on your back.”
The thought of someone—anyone—knowing the truth behind my father’s rejection has always filled me with the deepest sense of foreboding. So, why is it only relief flooding my insides?
“How did you find out?”
We aren’t fucking anymore, but I’m still hard and inside my girl. I wrap my arms around her shoulders, pulling her body closer to mine. Her warmth acts like a balm.
“I didn’t. I worked it out.”
I smirk against her lips. “Am I that transparent?”
She just grins back. “A little bit, yeah. You aren’t as dark and mysterious to me as maybe you think you are. I do have one question.”
“Shoot,” I reply.
“Why do you play under his name? Back when you were younger, you played under Williams. I’m guessing that was your mom’s name.”
I’m desperate to turn this conversation and focus on the fact that she looked me up. Instead, I opt to keep it centered on me and the uncomfortable truths I know she needs to learn about my life.
“When I was seventeen, I took a trip from my home in Minnesota to Brooklyn. I’d always had this feeling that my dad wasn’t who my mom claimed he was—a soldier in the US Army who died on a tour in Afghanistan. The older I got, the less likely that story became.”
I pause for a breath, and Jenna cups my cheek in her hand. I know this is exactly what she needs from me.
“I looked like Alex Schneider, skated like him. And the more time that passed, the more convinced my friends and teammates were that we were related. As a teenager, I thought their theories sounded crazy. But the more times I asked Mom if I was his son, the less convincing her denial became. That was when I finally saved up enough money from a job I was working at to get a flight to Brooklyn. Alex didn’t exactly make where he lived a secret since he was constantly pictured with girls as he took them back to his apartment.”
“What happened?” Jenna asks quietly, her heart breaking on my behalf.
“I showed up and gave my name to the security guard on shift. As I stood there, waiting for him to call Alex, I was convinced I’d be turned away. Maybe even laughed at. But when I was told to head upstairs, a spark of hope ignited that maybe—just fucking maybe—I was right to travel all that way and hold out hope that my dad wasn’t dead and he was actually a hockey player. One I’d looked up to for his presence on the ice. I thought maybe he wasn’t the asshole people had made him out to be in the sport and in his personal life, that he was actually decent. I hoped that I was some kind of secret baby my mom had hidden from him, and now we were about to reunite, and my whole life was about to change.”
Silence descends between us until I finally speak again. It doesn’t feel like my voice belongs to me any longer.
“What I found was both what I’d hoped for and my worst fear. He was my dad—he confirmed it. But he had known all about me. He’d basically been paying my mom inflated child support payments, and he’d had her sign an NDA to keep quiet about him being the father since he wanted zero association with her and me. He told me he never wanted a family and looked at me like I was a fucking disease.”
“Tommy … I don’t even know what to say.”
Placing my hands over hers, I close my eyes and sit with my reality. I feel different than I did a few minutes ago, having shared my secret with the one person I could only ever imagine telling. The weight feels lighter, easier to digest.
It feels like I might be fully falling for Jenna Miller.
“You don’t need to say anything, Hellion. Just having you here, listening to me without judgment, is everything I need.”
She nods lightly. “You played under his name to spite him, didn’t you?”
I smile because it’s like she’s in my head, pulling the strings and controlling me. Even if I wanted to keep something from her, I don’t think I could.
