Page 83 of The Biggest Secret
“You’re leaving again, aren’t you?”
I nod once. “I got a call last night. My old unit is being activated for a short stint. Security detail, it doesn’t sound too serious,” I shrug. I can’t give away information, but I can downplay the trip. “I’ve already spoken to my sergeant at the precinct. No problem there, they gave me leave and when I come back, I step right back in to where I was.”
“Don’t devalue this. I know what you’re doing.” He scrubs his face with his hands and leans back in the chair, letting out a loud breath. I see the despair written all over his face. “I thought you were done, Tom. I thought the last time was it.”
“I can’t tell them no if they call.”
“No, but you can get out. You can retire. You have a good gig here, bro. What more are you looking for?”
“Adam, that’s not how it works, you don’t understand.”
“Then make me understand, Tom! Help me here. Why do you need to do this? My kids are here, Tom. They need their uncle. We need our brother. How can you leave us so easily?”
I just watch him. I don’t know how to explain that it’s a feeling deep down that I was born with. An innate need to protect those who can’t do it for themselves. A need to make things better, at least for the short time that I’m placed somewhere. To protect what could possibly become something worse from happening, down the line.
“Adam, the same feeling you have to protect and control the family, is the same feeling I have. But mine is broader. Mine is for our country, not just here. If I can protect our country, then I can make it better for your kids, Adam.” When he just looks at me, I keep going. “Adam, if anyone threatened your family, what would you do?”
“I’d fucking hunt them down and kill them.”
“Then you understand how I feel. Bro, I want to do everything inmy power to make the world better. I know that sounds corny and probably selfish to you, but I can’t change who I am. I’m a born protector.”
“Then stay here and protect us,” Adam pleads.
“I can’t do that. I need to do more.”
His face is becoming red, his breathing picking up. I’d normally be afraid that I’m going to send him into a tailspin with this news, but I know Chelsea Jo will be the one to hold him down. She’ll be the one to keep him focused on what he needs to do here for them, and not on what I’m doing a world away.
“What about Farrah?”
I drop my head. I never committed to Farrah, and I never will because she deserves better than what I can give. She deserves someone who’s going to stay. She deserves someone who isn’t always going to be looking for or waiting for, the call to run towards something bigger.
“I can’t give her what she wants.”
“It seems to me like you’ve already been doing that. Looks that way to all of us.” He stands abruptly, knocking the chair he was sitting in on its side. It hits the cement with a loud clank but neither of us flinches. I’m trained not to, and Adam is too mad to care. “I can’t continue this conversation. I think you’re selfish and I think you’re looking for hero status. You can have all of what you’re looking for right here. In fact, youdohave it all. Right. Fucking. Here.”
He walks past me, bumping my shoulder aggressively as he goes, and my heart literally hurts. I knew this would be the reaction from Adam. He was going to take it personally and it’s going to make it that much harder for me to tell the rest of the family.
“I leave Thursday,” I call over my shoulder.
He comes to a halt but doesn’t turn to look at me. “That’s two fucking days, Tom.”
“Yeah, I know.”
He continues walking away and when I hear the door open and close, I know our conversation is over. I take a moment, then stand and walk through the side gate back to my truck. I’ll head to Francesca, then Billy and mom and dad. And finally, Farrah. For those who don’t understand, no explanation is possible. But I’ll listen to the questions, accept the yelling and finally,watch the tears.
I’ll break my family’s heart.
Again.
Then break hers.
Mine is already shattered.
