Page 7 of The Biggest Secret
My sister and I got used to his unknown arrivals, seeing him walk in from work every night for a week and then missing him for the next three. His presence was erratic, and I became jumpy and always on edge because of it. It’s like we were living on eggshells waiting for the door to open.
The problem was we didn’t know which man we were getting when that door finally did open. Sometimes he’d be happy, and not because of anything we had done, but just because he had hit a good cash out for the week in his gambling, or he had already been to the bar and had a few beers before coming home to us.
But the times he wasn’t happy, that’s when it was bad, and I wish he hadn’t come home at all.
My dad has always chosen liquor, gambling, and other women over my mother, and us. Even though we knew not to expect much from him, it was hard to watch her let him come and go in and out of our lives. I don’t know why she let it continue. It did nothing to teach us what a good marriage was.
I hate it more for my sister, who’s been stuck there going through it while I’m here at school. It wasn’t fair for me to leave her, but I needed to get out. Adley’s current relationship is showing those same signs of non-committal and I worry for her. Her boyfriend has bailed on her numerous times at the last minute. She plays it off like it doesn’t bother her, but I know it does. And I also know she’s only with this guy because he shows her a bit of attention.
I refuse to be in that kind of relationship. I definitely don’t want a man who’s always running out the door.
Getting up and heading to the bathroom to wash my face, I change my tee shirt that is soaked through with sweat. After two years, I still won’t let Adam stay over for more than two days in a row. I only get a small window of reprieve before the nightmares return and I don’t want to have to explain them to him. He knows my dad bailed; we don’t need to go into the gory details.
I check the clock and see it’s almost time to get up anyway. I have an appointment with my therapist, Mrs. Landow, this morning. After taking a psych class last semester, I can see that I have underlying trauma caused by the absence of a good father, or more so, the inconsistencies of him in my life. If Adam and I are going to work out, I need to make sure my abandonment issues don’t rise to the top of our relationship.
* * *
“Chelsea, we’ve spent several sessions discussing your need for control. We know that it likely stems from you losing control of your home life growing up. I’m concerned that as soon as a situation begins to spiral for you, you will quickly instigate change to make sure to flip the script so you’re the one back in control.”
“How would I do that?”
“I’m going to give you a few examples of what I’ve heard from youin our past sessions because I want you to be aware that it’s already happening and now you can be mindful of how to work on changing it.”
“Ok, I’m listening.”
“For one, you chose a college a great distance away from home. This ensured you were too far away to make a quick decision to go home, and it also prevented your family from showing up unexpectedly to see you. Moving away gave you control over who you had in your life and when.” I nod.
“Secondly, holding Adam at arm’s length gives you control over what he learns about you. You’re not giving him your full self because you’re afraid he will leave if he knows the dirty details.”
“Arm’s length? But we’re together all the time.”
“You’ve told me that you don’t allow him to stay over for more than two nights in a row because you’re afraid of the questions that will arise if you have a nightmare while he’s there. You avoid the topic of where you two will end up once you graduate. You haven’t introduced him to anyone besides your sister. You’re keeping big secrets, Chelsea and it’s not fair to Adam. You have to be willing to give him a chance to either help you move forward from this trauma together, as a couple, or let him decide on his own if it’s too much for him to handle. And then let him go.”
I don’t like the way my body reacts to those words. My worst fear is losing Adam because of my past, but I could already be losing him for not opening up to him.
Chapter Eight
ADAM
Senior year of college—Twelve years ago
“Can you believe we’re going to graduate next week? The time here went by so fast.”
Chelsea asks me a question but I’m not really listening. I’m reworking the speech I prepared in my head over and over as I absently fiddle with a ring in my pocket. It’s notthering, but a promise ring. She’s it for me and I want her to know it. I want everyone to know it. There will never be anyone who takes her place.
I also want her to move home with me, back to Christmas, but she’s been standoffish every time I bring it up. I’m hoping the ring will help her see I’m completely serious about us.
She’s opened up more about her family. I know she has trust issues when it comes to people, specifically her father. She doesn’t like to talk about him, but the basic takeaway is that he bailed on her and her family. A man doesn’t do that in my book. And I need to show her she can trust me. She needs to be able to rely on me, like my family does.
“Babe, so listen, I’ve been thinking. I’m moving back home after graduation to help my dad run the business. He eventually wants me to take over and after getting my business degree I think I’m in a prime spot to really help House O’Love grow.”
“I know, I’m happy for you. This will be great for you, and him. He’ll be able to enjoy life more with your mom and you can help ease him into retirement.” She’s giving me an easy smile and my brain goes haywire.
“I want you to come home with me.” Fuck. I barked out those words with no feeling and in a gruff tone. “No. I fucked that up.” That’s not how I wanted to deliver that. I cringe and I look at her as she watches me with furrowed brows.
“You want me to come home with you or you don’t want me to come home with you?”
Damn it, why am I sweating right now? This isn’t me. I speak and people listen. I make things work, that’s who I am. I deliver the idea, and everyone falls into line. I take her hand and take a calming breath. “Let me start over, I had the words planned out in my head, but you make me lose track sometimes.”
