Page 25 of The Biggest Secret
“You’re mine!” he exclaims. “You were mine,” he corrects himself, only quieter this time.
My breath catches and I wait. I wait and wait for more words.
Because I’m out.
“And maybe I didn’t do all that I should have to make you know that,” he continues.
“Adam.” He won’t look at me. Like he knows he’s shown his hand and there’s nowhere left to go now. But I can’t let him take the fall for this. This is on me, even if he had a hand in my feelings, I still chose to stay away. “Adam, I’m sorry. If I could do it again, I’d change it all. Every last word, every last move. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t hate myself for leaving how I did. Avoiding you. Running. And I will have to answer to Dominic for that one day too.”
That seems to awaken his anger again. He sits up in the chair, his eyes flash when they connect with mine.
“I missed all the firsts, Chelsea. You took that from me. His first breath. First steps. First words. First birthday,” he scrubs his face again with his hands. “Fuck! I’m his father and I don’t even know his birthday.”
“May fifth,” I whisper, as a tear escapes me, and I quickly brush it away, but he sees.
“Don’t cry Chelsea. YOU DON’T get to use tears on me anymore.”
I look away. It’s too much. His pain is too intense, and I see what I’ve done to this man now. I played the victim for so long that I actually made myself believe it. But I wasn’t the victim. I was the villain. So, I let him continue with his anger at me.
“You left. You were just gone. And I was so afraid. I thought something happened.” He stands and starts pacing. “I went to your house, you know. It was empty, locked up.” He stops pacing and turns to me quickly. “I wondered how you left so fast? And then it hit me. You had been planning it all along.”
I try to interrupt, shaking my head in disagreement. “No Adam I wasn’t planni?—”
“And then I had relief. Not that you were gone but that you were alive because that meant I could still find you. Have you. Make it work. I didn’t know what I did to make you leave.”
I wait. Not able to say any words.
“And then I hated myself for still wanting you. What kind of man was I that I still wanted a woman who didn’t want me? Who would ghost me? But I had to go on with my days like it didn’t hurt. When my brothers asked me, I had to dismiss you. When my mom cried for Gramps, I had to be strong and act like I didn’t know her pain. But I did. Because it felt like you had been pulled from me, too. You were here and then you weren’t. Just like he was.”
He says those last words in a whisper and it’s my undoing. I let out a sob and it’s ugly and loud and I can’t breathe. His pain hits me like a brick wall. He drops to his knees in front of me. The same way I saw my mom drop, begging my dad to stay when he finally said he was leaving, abandoning us, that he’d rather be alone than listen to her nag about his gambling and drinking. I guess crying about wanting to save her family, to save her husband, was classified as nagging to him. Just another annoyance he wanted to get rid of.
“Why, Chelsea? Make me understand how I fell in love with all your flaws, but you left me because of mine?”
I can’t talk. The lump in my throat is so large right now I don’t know how I’m not choking. My mom cried out for answers too. And I hate my dad even more right now because my reasons for leaving were so immature and selfish. Adam didn’t do anything nearly as horrible as what my dad did, but I was blinded by what I saw as a child; and instead of seeing Adam for who he was and the choices he was making for his family, I wanted his attention, all of it, and I didn’t deserve it. His family needed him, and he stepped into exactly the manhe’s supposed to be for them.It’s not a flaw, it’s something to be admired.
The man I should have let him be for me.
I stole that chance from him.
And pushed him into the arms of another along the way.
I shake my head and reach for him. I lay my palm on his cheek and run my thumb along the corner of his lips. He closes his eyes and leans into my touch.
“I’m sorry,” is all I can choke out.
He opens his eyes and looks at me. He takes my hand away from his face, turning my palm to his lips and lays a kiss in the middle of it. I’ve missed his touch for so many years. And just when I’m beginning to get my fill again, he places my hand back in my lap and stands. And I see it. The wall I made him put between us. His heart has been hurt so bad and it’s all my fault.
“It’s not enough.”
“What?”
“Sorry isn’t enough.”
“Adam.”
“Chelsea Jo, this is all too much. I need to think. Process the last few days, hell, the last few years. You walk back in with my child, and I’m supposed to just accept it all?” He has the decency to correct that word. “I accept Dominic, I’m not saying I’m not. He’s the best thing to come of this mess.”
I stand because I have to leave. I have to get out of here before my heart breaks even more.
