Page 90 of Fall to Me
Nothing. He gives me a side of him I’ve never seen . . . cold . . . distant.
I let a ragged breath fill my lungs and nod. He’s not in the mood to talk. Maybe if I just give him space . . .
Laying down in our bed, I let the tears fall.
Sleep finally takes over my exhausted body. I don’t know how long I sleep, but it’s well into the early morning hours when I feel the bed dip, and it wakes me up. I look at the alarm clock; it’s after four. We didn’t get in until one this morning, and I’m still exhausted. I roll over to talk to him, but he faces away from me, toward the door to our bathroom, with at least two feet of space between us. Scooting closer, I curl into him, placing a kiss on his back. My hand slides around to his chest, and his fingers tangle with mine.
“I’m so sorry,” I cry. “I’m so sorry I hurt you.”
Again . . . the silent treatment. I try not to focus on my feelings. This isn’t about me; it’s about him. We lay there in the quiet until I hear the faint sounds of his tiny snores and I feel myself drifting again.
Sometime just after dawn, I’m stuck between a dream state and being awake, and I feel Carter drape my leg over his arm and push into me. My eyes flutter open, and I look up at him as a sigh of relief passes my lips. I smile.
Sunlight pours into the room, highlighting every detail of his body. The cut of his abs. How his pecs flex each time he rams into me. My eyes travel up to his. They’re vacant. I reach for his cheek, but he grabs my wrist to keep me from touching him. He flips me onto my stomach, lifts my hips, and begins pounding into me.
“Mmmm. You feel so good, Carter. Yes. God, don’t stop.”
His movements still and his body warms my back as he leans over and growls into my ear, “This is for me, not you.”
Carter isn’t trying to make up with me. He’s angry fucking me.
Tears gather in my eyes. Over and over, he thrusts into me, hard and punishing. I’m on the brink of climax when he pulls out and cums all over my ass. His breaths are ragged as he stays in place. I turn my head to look at him with tears streaming down my cheeks. A whimper escapes me.
This isn’t my Carter.
We lock eyes, and the devastation I see staring back at me is worse than the blank expression on his face when I tried to gain his attention on the couch.
Twenty-Eight
Carter
I drag my hands up my face and grip my hair. I can’t do this. This isn’t right. This isn’t me.
“Fuck!”
River gathers the sheets and covers herself. I can’t bear to look at her. Not because of anything she’s done, but because of what I did to her. Seeing the complete devastation in her eyes hurts worse than anything she could ever do to me.
“I’m sorry.” Tears fill my eyes, and though I try to collect myself, I feel them roll down my cheeks and choke out a sob. “I’m so fucking sorry, baby.”
I lay back down on my side of the bed as the weight of everything that’s happened crushes me.
“I was so mad at you for hurting me that I couldn’t even think straight, but what I just did? That wasn’t okay.”
She doesn’t speak . . . and when I glance over, tear drops glimmer on her cheeks. My chest constricts a little tighter, and I take a ragged breath. Even though she’s lying right here besideme, I feel like we’re a million miles apart. I miss her. I miss her so goddamn much. And even though I don’t think anyone has ever hurt me like she did, that’s not what matters. Our marriage is what matters, and if I don’t fix this, it could very well be over.
Gathering her into my arms, I pull her closer and wind my leg around hers. My tears dampen her hair as hers fall onto my chest. My stomach turns. I broke my promise. I broke her heart. And I possibly broke her trust. I told her I would never hurt her, yet I did, and I did it on purpose. We lie there, in the space of our quiet room, and draw comfort from one another, neither one of us speaking for a while until I finally break the silence.
“Generally, I like to talk things out right when they happen, but I was hurt, and after you gave me the silent treatment, I didn’t know how to respond except to retaliate. When you left the game last night . . . and then you said what you did about playing a hero, it cut me so fucking deep. I wanted to punish you the way you punished me, but I also needed time to sit inmyfeelings for a while and process. I worried that anything I said could’ve escalated our fight or . . . I’d give in, like I always do.”
She nods. “Fighting like this, Carter. It’s breaking my heart. I can’t take it.”
I push back the loose strands of hair—clinging to her forehead—and tilt her chin up to look me in the eyes.
“We’re gonna fight. All couples do. But I promise next time, I’ll fight fair.”
“You’re so good to me, and I used that against you. I’m so sorry. I was awful.”
“You’ve apologized enough. I love you,” I say, holding her tighter. “I love you so damn much that it feels like at any moment my heart might explode out of my damn chest. This distance between us right now . . . it’s killing me.”
