Page 37 of Fall to Me
As I take a plate out of the cabinet, she turns around to face me, clutching her neck nervously while holding the empty wine glass at her side.
She turns her face away to look out the window over her shoulder, then glances back at me. “Um . . . it’s stupid really,” she says, shaking her head.
I pop the food in the microwave, then spin around, resting my back against the countertop to give her my full attention.
“I’m pretty sure it’s not.”
She turns back to face the window and stands there in silence for a while, watching the busy city below us before speaking.
“Last week my therapist asked me who I was, and it got me to thinkin’ . . . I don’t even really know myself. And that, um, well . . . that everything around me is changing. You know?” She turns back to face me. “Like, I used to know who I was, but that person doesn’t even exist anymore. The things I used to enjoy,I just don’t anymore. My beliefs have changed. I feel like I’m a completely different person.”
She shakes her head in disgust. “I lost my identity while I was with my ex, then after the divorce, my life revolved around Aspen and Tucker. I hid behind them, and now I have to figure out who I am.”
She pats her chest. “Life seems to be moving at hyper-speed. We happened, and I . . .” She sighs as she trails off.
“Don’t want to lose the opportunity to discover who you are before you even begin to,” I finish for her.
“Exactly. I have therapy again tomorrow, and she’s gonna ask me the same thing, and again, I won't have an answer because I don’t fucking know.”
Abandoning my food, I walk over to her and take her hand, leading her to the couch.
She sits beside me, one leg folded under the other, and gestures to the window. “I see this great big world moving forward around me. Everyone else is going on with their daily life, but I feel like I’m stuck at a stalemate.”
I brush a stray hair back behind her ear. “Maybe you can’t tell her who you are yet . . . and that’s okay, baby. You don’t have to figure this out overnight. I’m gonna ask you a couple of questions.”
“Okay . . .” She says it like a question.
“Tell me one thing about you that I don’t know.”
“Hmm. Umm.” She worries her bottom lip. “I love when it rains.”
“I do too, though, it makes it hard to get out of bed. Okay, next question . . . First thing that pops into your head . . . when you look at your life right now, very short term, what you want?”
Her lashes flutter as she shakes her head. “I don’t want to look over my shoulder anymore. I don’t want to be scared anymore. I want to be strong.”
I rub circles on the top of her hand still clutched in mine. “I can help with that, but only if you trust me.”
She gives me a curious look.
“I know I’ve said this over and over, but I’m gonna say it again. I understand that you don’t approve of me fighting, and I know that’s part of the reason why you never wanted to get close to me, but fighting comes along with my job. I can’t help that. It is what it is. But you can use my skills to your advantage. Let me train you. Even if it’s basic self-defense. I think it can help you.”
I can’t help her find her identity, she has to do that on her own, but I can help with this, and it’s something I’ve been meaning to talk to her about for the past few weeks. I want her to feel strong, empowered, and be able to defend herself if, God forbid, she ever needs to. She chews on the inside of her cheek, mulling it over. A few seconds pass and then she looks at our hands and gives a slight nod.
“Yeah?” I chuckle.
“Yeah.”
There’s no stopping the smile that spreads across my face. I pull her into a hug, speaking low against her temple. “You’re a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for. It doesn’t feel that way right now, but I think with time you’ll begin to see in yourself what I see in you.”
The morning sun peeks out just above the horizon of the tall buildings across from Central Park and slices through the living room, giving us enough natural light to work. I pick up the coffee table and move it in front of the window to clear out some space. We could train at the facility, but River seems more comfortable here, and for the things I’m gonna ask her to let me do, she needs to be in a place where she feels safe.
“If anything triggers you at any time, let me know. Okay?”
She nods with her head down, staring at her bare feet.
I take the few steps between us and lift her chin. “Hey, eyes up here. You got this.”
Her smile is unsure, but she lifts her chin with determination.
